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Allen Richter

VA, Virginia Beach, 3810 Atlantic Ave, 23451

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Allen Richter profiles | LinkedIn
View the profiles of professionals named Allen Richter on LinkedIn. There are 10 professionals named Allen Richter, who use LinkedIn to exchange information, ...
Al Richter - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Allen Gordon Richter (born February 7, 1927 in Norfolk, Virginia) is a retired American professional baseball player. A shortstop, he was listed at 5 feet 11 inches ...
Al Richter | SABR
Allen Gordon Richter was born in Norfolk, Virginia, on February 7, 1927. He took to sports right away. There was a grammar school playground right next to the ...
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NPS OSS Ch 9 w headers - National Park Service
Eng. Allen Richter was off buying radio equipment in New York City, but augmenting the trainees was an officer who was not a member of Detachment 101, ...
Modeling Stress- and Moisture-Induced Variations in Pavement ...
Nov 14, 2002 ... Cheryl Allen Richter and Charles W. Schwartz. 1. MODELING ... Cheryl Allen Richter, P.E., Ph.D. (corresponding author). Federal Highway ...
Modeling Unbound Base And Subgrade Layers For Pavement ...
Cheryl Allen Richter. Federal Highway Administration. Office of Infrastructure Research & Development. Turner-Fairbank Highway Research Center. McLean ...
Spring/Summer 2010 TRANSCAER® Today
Sep 18, 2010 ... TRANSCAER.com/events For specific information regarding the New Jersey sessions, contact Al Richter, Conrail, allen.richter@conrail.com ...
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Bandenwerbung Bauschilder Digitaldruck
Wenn Sie kompetente Partner und Fachleute rund um das Thema Werbung bzw Werbetechnik suchen dann sind Sie bei Richter Partner richtig In allen Arbeitsbereichen verfugen wir uber gro te Fachkompet
Bandenwerbung Bauschilder Digitaldruck
Wenn Sie kompetente Partner und Fachleute rund um das Thema Werbung bzw Werbetechnik suchen dann sind Sie bei Richter Partner richtig In allen Arbeitsbereichen verfugen wir uber gro te Fachkompet
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Whatever the case, a familiar face will aid him in his quest to build on the Allen/Paar/Carson/Leno legacy: That would be former "Late Night" sidekick Andy Richter, who'll serve as announcer (and partaker in comedy bits). First guest/Conan pal Will Ferrell should put our host at ease -- or at least make him appropriately uncomfortable.
Father, you asked me recently why I am afraid of you
Growing up in the shadow of someone as loud, opinionated and aggressive as his father was almost too much to bear for novelist Franz Kafka. In fact, so emotionally scarring was their relationship that, on November 10th of 1919, then-36-year-old Franz began to write the following desperate letter to Hermann in an effort to candidly express his feelings on the subject and, just maybe, heal the ever-growing rift between them. Two months later, Franz gave the completed letter to his mother and asked her to pass it on; for reasons still unknown, it never reached him. Franz passed away 5 years later. Lengthy transcripts follow, both in German and English; click here to be whisked quickly to the translation. The image below shows the first of the letter's 104 pages, all of which can be seen at Wikimedia Commons. Recommended reading: Kafka's Letters to Friends, Family and Editors, and Franz Kafka: The Complete Stories. Source Transcript Liebster Vater, Du hast mich letzthin einmal gefragt, warum ich behaupte, ich htte Furcht vor Dir. Ich wusste Dir, wie gewhnlich, nichts zu antworten, zum Teil eben aus der Furcht, die ich vor Dir habe, zum Teil deshalb, weil zur Begrndung dieser Furcht zu viele Einzelnheiten gehren, als dass ich sie im Reden halbwegs zusammenhalten knnte. Und wenn ich hier versuche Dir schriftlich zu antworten, so wird es doch nur sehr unvollstndig sein, weil auch im Schreiben die Furcht und ihre Folgen mich Dir gegenber behindern und weil berhaupt die Grsse des Stoffs ber mein Gedchtnis und meinen Verstand weit hinausgeht. Dir hat sich die Sache immer sehr einfach dargestellt, wenigstens soweit Du vor mir und, ohne Auswahl, vor vielen andern davon gesprochen hast. Es schien Dir etwa so zu sein: Du hast Dein ganzes Leben lang schwer gearbeitet, alles fr Deine Kinder, vor allem fr mich geopfert, ich habe infolgedessen in Saus und Braus gelebt, habe vollstndige Freiheit gehabt zu lernen, was ich wollte, habe keinen Anlass zu Nahrungssorgen, also zu Sorgen berhaupt gehabt; Du hast dafr keine Dankbarkeit verlangt, Du kennst die Dankbarkeit der Kinder, aber doch wenigstens irgendein Entgegenkommen, Zeichen eines Mitgefhls; statt dessen habe ich mich seit jeher vor Dir verkrochen, in mein Zimmer, zu Bchern, zu verrckten Freunden, zu berspannten Ideen; offen gesprochen habe ich mit Dir niemals, in den Tempel bin ich nicht zu Dir gekommen, in Franzensbad habe ich Dich nie besucht, auch sonst nie Familiensinn gehabt, fr das Geschft und Deine sonstigen Angelegenheiten habe ich mich nicht gekmmert, die Fabrik habe ich Dir aufgehalst und Dich dann verlassen, Ottla habe ich in ihrem Eigensinn untersttzt und whrend ich fr Dich keinen Finger rhre (nicht einmal eine Teaterkarte bringe ich Dir) tue ich fr Freunde alles. Fasst Du Dein Urteil ber mich zusammen, so ergibt sich, dass Du mir zwar etwas geradezu Unanstndiges oder Bses nicht vorwirfst (mit Ausnahme vielleicht meiner letzten Heiratsabsicht), aber Klte, Fremdheit, Undankbarkeit. Undzwar wirfst Du es mir so vor, als wre es meine Schuld, als htte ich etwa mit einer Steuerdrehung das Ganze anders einrichten knnen, whrend Du nicht die geringste Schuld daran hast, es wre wre denn die, dass Du zu gut zu mir gewesen bist. Diese Deine bliche Darstellung halte ich nur soweit fr richtig, dass auch ich glaube, Du seist gnzlich schuldlos an unserer Entfremdung. Aber ebenso gnzlich schuldlos bin auch ich. Knnte ich Dich dazu bringen, dass Du das anerkennst, dann wre - nicht etwa ein neues Leben mglich, dazu sind wir beide viel zu alt, aber doch eine Art Friede, kein Aufhren, aber doch ein Mildern Deiner unaufhrlichen Vorwrfe. Irgendeine Ahnung dessen, was ich sagen will, hast Du merkwrdiger Weise. So hast Du mir z. B. vor Kurzem gesagt: ich habe Dich immer gern gehabt, wenn ich auch usserlich nicht so zu Dir war wie andere Vter zu sein pflegen, eben deshalb weil ich mich nicht verstellen kann, wie andere. Nun habe ich, Vater, im Ganzen niemals an Deiner Gte mir gegenber gezweifelt, aber diese Bemerkung halte ich fr unrichtig. Du kannst Dich nicht verstellen, das ist richtig, aber nur aus diesem Grunde behaupten wollen, dass die andern Vter sich verstellen, ist entweder blosse, nicht weiter diskutierbare Rechthaberei oder aber - und das ist es meiner Meinung nach wirklich - der verhllte Ausdruck dafr, dass zwischen uns etwas nicht in Ordnung ist und dass Du es mitverursacht hast, aber ohne Schuld. Meinst Du das wirklich, dann sind wir einig. Ich sage ja natrlich nicht, dass ich das, was ich bin, nur durch Deine Einwirkung geworden bin. Das wre sehr bertrieben (und ich neige sogar zu dieser bertreibung.) Es ist sehr leicht mglich, dass ich, selbst wenn ich ganz frei von Deinem Einfluss aufgewachsen wre, doch kein Mensch nach Deinem Herzen htte werden knnen. Ich wre wahrscheinlich doch ein schwchlicher, ngstlicher, zgernder, unruhiger Mensch geworden, weder Robert Kafka, noch Karl Hermann, aber doch ganz anders, als ich wirklich bin und wir htten uns ausgezeichnet mit einander vertragen knnen. Ich wre glcklich gewesen, Dich als Freund, als Chef, als Onkel, als Grossvater, ja selbst (wenn auch schon zgernder) als Schwiegervater zu haben. Nur eben als Vater warst Du zu stark fr mich, besonders da meine Brder klein starben, die Schwestern erst lange nachher kamen, ich also den ersten Stoss ganz allein aushalten, dazu war ich viel zu schwach. Vergleiche uns beide: ich, um es sehr abgekrzt auszudrcken, ein Lwy mit einem gewissen Kafkaschen Fond, der aber eben nicht durch den Kafkaschen Lebens-, Geschfts-, Eroberungswillen in Bewegung gesetzt wird, sondern durch einen Lwyschen Stachel, der geheimer, scheuer, in anderer Richtung wirkt und oft berhaupt aussetzt. Du dagegen ein wirklicher Kafka an Strke, Gesundheit, Appetit, Stimmkraft, Redebegabung, Selbstzufriedenheit, Weltberlegenheit, Ausdauer, Geistesgegenwart, Menschenkenntnis, einer gewissen Grosszgigkeit, natrlich auch mit allen zu diesen Vorzgen gehrigen Fehlern und Schwchen, in welche Dich Dein Temperament und manchmal Dein Jhzorn hineinhetzen. Nicht ganzer Kafka bist Du vielleicht in Deiner allgemeinen Weltansicht, soweit ich Dich mit Onkel Philipp, Ludwig, Heinrich vergleichen kann. Das ist merkwrdig, ich sehe hier auch nicht ganz klar. Sie waren doch alle frhlicher, frischer, ungezwungener, leichtlebiger, weniger streng als Du. (Darin habe ich brigens viel von Dir geerbt und das Erbe viel zu gut verwaltet, ohne allerdings die ntigen Gegengewichte in meinem Wesen zu haben, wie Du sie hast.) Doch hast auch andererseits Du in dieser Hinsicht verschiedene Zeiten durgemacht, warst vielleicht frhlicher, ehe Dich Deine Kinder, besonders ich, enttuschten und zuhause bedrckten (kamen Fremde, warst Du ja anders) und bist auch jetzt vielleicht wieder frhlicher geworden, da Dir die Enkel und der Schwiegersohn wieder etwas von jener Wrme geben, die Dir die Kinder, bis auf Valli vielleicht, nicht geben konnten. Jedenfalls waren wir so verschieden und in dieser Verschiedenheit einander so gefhrlich, dass, wenn man es htte etwa im voraus ausrechnen wollen, wie ich, das langsam sich entwickelnde Kind, und Du, der fertige Mann, sich zu einander verhalten werden, man htte annehmen knnen, dass Du mich einfach niederstampfen wirst, dass nichts von mir brig bleibt. Das ist nun nicht geschehn, das Lebendige lsst sich nicht ausrechnen, aber vielleicht ist rgeres geschehn. Wobei ich Dich aber immerfort bitte, nicht zu vergessen, dass ich niemals im entferntesten an eine Schuld Deinerseits glaube. Du wirktest so auf mich, wie Du wirken musstest, nur sollst Du aufhren, es fr eine besondere Bosheit meinerseits zu halten, dass ich dieser Wirkung erlegen bin. Ich war ein ngstliches Kind, trotzdem war ich gewiss auch strrisch, wie Kinder sind, gewiss verwhnte mich die Mutter auch, aber ich kann nicht glauben, dass ich besonders schwer lenkbar war, ich kann nicht glauben, dass ein freundliches Wort, ein stilles Bei-der-Hand-nehmen, ein guter Blick mir nicht alles htten abfordern knnen, was man wollte. Nun bist Du ja im Grunde ein gtiger und weicher Mensch (das Folgende wird dem nicht widersprechen, ich rede ja nur von der Erscheinung, in der Du auf das Kind wirktest) aber nicht jedes Kind hat die Ausdauer und Unerschrockenheit, solange zu suchen, bis es zu der Gte kommt. Du kannst ein Kind nur so behandeln, wie Du eben selbst geschaffen bist, mit Kraft, Lrm und Jhzorn und in diesem Fall schien Dir das auch noch berdies deshalb sehr gut geeignet, weil Du einen krftigen mutigen Jungen in mir aufziehn wolltest. Deine Erziehungsmittel in den allerersten Jahren kann ich heute natrlich nicht unmittelbar beschreiben, aber ich kann sie mir etwa vorstellen durch Rckschluss aus den spteren Jahren und aus Deiner Behandlung des Felix. Hiebei kommt verschrfend in Betracht, dass Du damals jnger, daher frischer, wilder, ursprnglicher, noch unbekmmerter warst als heute und dass Du ausserdem ganz an das Geschft gebunden warst, kaum einmal des Tages Dich mir zeigen konntest und deshalb einen umso tieferen Eindruck auf mich machtest, der sich kaum je zur Gewhnung verflachte. Direkt erinnere ich mich nur an einen Vorfall aus den ersten Jahren, Du erinnerst Dich vielleicht auch daran. Ich winselte einmal in der Nacht immerfort um Wasser, gewiss nicht aus Durst, sondern wahrscheinlich teils um zu rgern, teils um mich zu unterhalten. Nachdem einige starke Drohungen nicht geholfen hatten, nahmst Du mich aus dem Bett, trugst mich auf die Pawlatsche und liessest mich dort allein vor der geschlossenen Tr ein Weilchen im Hemd stehn. Ich will nicht sagen, dass das unrichtig war, vielleicht war damals die Nachtruhe auf andere Weise wirklich nicht zu verschaffen, ich will aber damit Deine Erziehungsmittel und ihre Wirkung auf mich charakterisieren. Ich war damals nachher wohl schon folgsam, aber ich hatte einen innern Schaden davon. Das fr mich Selbstverstndliche des sinnlosen Ums-Wasser-bittens und das ausserordentlich Schreckliche des Hinausgetragen-werdens konnte ich meiner Natur nach niemals in die richtige Verbindung bringen. Noch nach Jahren litt ich unter der qulenden Vorstellung, dass der riesige Mann, mein Vater, die letzte Instanz fast ohne Grund kommen und mich in der Nacht aus dem Bett auf die Pawlatsche tragen konnte und dass ich also ein solches Nichts fr ihn war. Das war damals ein kleiner Anfang nur, aber dieses mich oft beherrschende Gefhl der Nichtigkeit (ein in anderer Hinsicht allerdings auch edles und fruchtbares Gefhl) stammt vielfach von Deinem Einfluss. Ich htte ein wenig Aufmunterung, ein wenig Freundlichkeit, ein wenig Offenhalten meines Wegs gebraucht, statt dessen verstelltest Du mir, in der guten Absicht freilich, dass ich einen andern Weg gehen sollte. Aber dazu taugte ich nicht. Du muntertest mich z. B. auf, wenn ich gut salutierte und marschierte, aber ich war kein knftiger Soldat, oder Du muntertest mich auf, wenn ich krftig essen und sogar Bier dazu trinken konnte, oder wenn ich unverstandene Lieder nachsingen oder Deine Lieblingsredensarten Dir nachplappern konnte, aber nichts davon gehrte zu meiner Zukunft. Und es ist bezeichnend, dass Du selbst heute mich nur dann eigentlich in etwas aufmunterst, wenn Du selbst in Mitleidenschaft gezogen bist, wenn es sich um Dein Selbstgefhl handelt, das ich verletze (z. B. durch meine Heiratsabsicht) oder das in mir verletzt wird (wenn z. B. Pepa mich beschimpft). Dann werde ich aufgemuntert, an meinen Wert erinnert, auf die Partien hingewiesen, die ich zu machen berechtigt wre und Pepa wird vollstndig verurteilt. Aber abgesehen davon, dass ich fr Aufmunterung in meinem jetzigen Alter schon fast unzugnglich bin, was wrde sie mir auch helfen, wenn sie nur dann eintritt, wo es nicht in erster Reihe um mich geht. Damals und damals berall htte ich die Aufmunterung gebraucht. Ich war ja schon niedergedrckt durch Deine blosse Krperlichkeit. Ich erinnere mich z. B. daran, wie wir uns fters zusammen in einer Kabine auszogen. Ich mager, schwach, schmal, Du stark, gross, breit. Schon in der Kabine kam ich mir jmmerlich vor undzwar nicht nur vor Dir, sondern vor der ganzen Welt, denn Du warst fr mich das Mass aller Dinge. Traten wir dann aber aus der Kabine vor die Leute hinaus, ich an Deiner Hand, ein kleines Gerippe, unsicher, blossfig auf den Planken, in Angst vor dem Wasser, unfhig Deine Schwimmbewegungen nachzumachen, die Du mir in guter Absicht, aber tatschlich zu meiner tiefen Beschmung immerfort vormachtest, dann war ich sehr verzweifelt und alle meine schlimmen Erfahrungen auf allen Gebieten stimmten in solchen Augenblicken grossartig zusammen. Am wohlsten war mir noch, wenn Du Dich manchmal zuerst auszogst und ich allein in der Kabine bleiben und die Schande des ffentlichen Auftretens solange hinauszgern konnte, bis Du endlich nachschauen kamst und mich aus der Kabine triebst. Dankbar war ich Dir dafr, dass Du meine Not nicht zu bemerken schienest, auch war ich stolz auf den Krper meines Vaters. brigens besteht zwischen uns dieser Unterschied heute noch hnlich. Dem entsprach weiter Deine geistige Oberherrschaft. Du hattest Dich allein durch eigene Kraft so hoch hinaufgearbeitet, infolgedessen hattest Du unbeschrnktes Vertrauen zu Deiner Meinung. Das war fr mich als Kind nicht einmal so blendend wie spter fr den heranwachsenden jungen Menschen. In Deinem Lehnstuhl regiertest Du die Welt. Deine Meinung war richtig, jede andere war verrckt, berspannt, meschugge, nicht normal. Dabei war Dein Selbstvertrauen so gross, dass Du gar nicht konsequent sein musstest und doch nicht aufhrtest Recht zu haben. Es konnte auch vorkommen, dass Du in einer Sache gar keine Meinung hattest und infolgedessen alle Meinungen, die hinsichtlich der Sache berhaupt mglich waren, ohne Ausnahme falsch sein mussten. Du konntest z. B. auf die Tschechen schimpfen, dann auf die Deutschen, dann auf die Juden, undzwar nicht nur in Auswahl, sondern in jeder Hinsicht, und schliesslich blieb niemand mehr brig ausser Dir. Du bekamst fr mich das Rtselhafte, das alle Tyrannen haben, deren Recht auf ihrer Person, nicht auf dem Denken begrndet ist. Wenigstens schien es mir so. Nun behieltest Du ja mir gegenber tatschlich erstaunlich oft recht, im Gesprch war das selbstverstndlich, denn zum Gesprch kam es kaum, aber auch in Wirklichkeit. Doch war auch das nichts besonders Unbegreifliches. Ich stand ja in allem meinem Denken unter Deinem schweren Druck, auch in dem Denken, das nicht mit dem Deinen bereinstimmte und besonders in diesem. Alle diese von Dir scheinbar unabhngigen Gedanken waren von Anfang an belastet mit Deinem absprechenden Urteil; bis zur vollstndigen und dauernden Ausfhrung des Gedankens das zu ertragen, war fast unmglich. Ich rede hier nicht von irgendwelchen hohen Gedanken, sondern von jedem kleinen Unternehmen der Kinderzeit. Man musste nur ber irgendeine Sache glcklich sein, von ihr erfllt sein, nach Hause kommen und es aussprechen und die Antwort war ein ironisches Seufzen, ein Kopfschtteln, ein Fingerklopfen auf den Tisch: Hab auch schon etwas Schneres gesehn oder Mir gesagt, Deine Sorgen oder ich hab keinen so geruhten Kopf oder oder kein Ereignis! oder Kauf Dir was dafr!. Natrlich konnte man nicht fr jede Kinderkleinigkeit Begeisterung von Dir verlangen, wenn Du in Sorge und Plage lebtest. Darum handelte es sich auch nicht. Es handelte sich vielmehr darum, dass Du solche Enttuschungen dem Kinde immer und grundstzlich bereiten musstest kraft Deines gegenstzlichen Wesens, weiter dass dieser Gegensatz durch Anhufung des Materials sich unaufhrlich verstrkte, so dass er sich schliesslich auch gewohnheitsmig gab geltend machte, wenn Du einmal der gleichen Meinung warst wie ich und dass endlich diese Enttuschungen des Kindes nicht Enttuschungen des gewhnlichen Lebens waren, sondern, da es ja um Deine fr alles massgebende Person ging, im Kern trafen. Der Mut, die Entschlossenheit, die Zuversicht, die Freude an dem und jenem hielten nicht bis zum Ende aus, wenn Du dagegen warst oder schon wenn Deine Gegnerschaft bloss angenommen werden konnte; und angenommen konnte sie wohl bei fast allem werden, was ich tat. Das bezog sich auf Gedanken so gut wie auf Menschen. Es gengte, dass ich an einem Menschen ein wenig Interesse hatte - es geschah ja infolge meines Wesens nicht sehr oft - dass Du schon ohne jede Rcksicht auf mein Gefhl und ohne Achtung vor meinem Urteil mit Beschimpfung, Verleumdung, Entwrdigung dreinfuhrst. Unschuldige, kindliche Menschen wie z. B. der jiddische Schauspieler Lwy mussten das bssen. Ohne ihn zu kennen, verglichst Du ihn in einer schrecklichen Weise, die ich schon vergessen habe, mit Ungeziefer, und wie so oft fr Leute, die mir lieb waren, hattest Du automatisch das Sprichwort von den Hunden und Flhen bei der Hand. An den Schauspieler erinnere ich mich hier besonders, weil ich Deine Aussprche ber ihn damals mir mit der Bemerkung notierte: So spricht mein Vater ber meinen Freund (den er gar nicht kennt) nur deshalb, weil er mein Freund ist. Das werde ich ihm immer entgegenhalten knnen, wenn er mir Mangel an kindlicher Liebe und Dankbarkeit vorwerfen wird. Unverstndlich war mir immer Deine vollstndige Empfindungslosigkeit dafr, was fr Leid und Schande Du mit Deinen Worten und mir zufgen konntest, es war, als httest Du keine Ahnung von Deiner Macht. Auch ich habe Dich sicher oft mit Worten gekrnkt, aber dann wusste ich es immer, es schmerzte mich, aber ich konnte mich nicht beherrschen, das Wort nicht zurckhalten, ich bereute es schon, whrend ich es sagte. Du aber schlugst mit Deinen Worten ohne weiters los, niemand tat Dir leid, nicht whrenddessen, nicht nachher, man war gegen Dich vollstndig wehrlos. Aber so war Deine ganze Erziehung. Du hast, glaube ich, ein Erziehungstalent; einem Menschen Deiner Art httest Du durch Erziehung gewi ntzen knnen; er htte die Vernnftigkeit dessen, was Du ihm sagtest, eingesehn, sich um nichts weiteres gekmmert und die Sachen ruhig so ausgefhrt. Fr mich als Kind war alles, was was Du mir zuriefst, geradezu Himmelsgebot, ich vergass es nie, es blieb mir das wichtigste Mittel zur Beurteilung der Welt, vor allem zur Beurteilung Deiner selbst, und da versagtest Du vollstndig. Da ich als Kind hauptschlich beim Essen mit Dir beisammen war, war Dein Unterricht zum grossen Teil Unterricht im richtigen Benehmen bei Tisch. Was auf den Tisch kam, musste aufgegessen, ber die Gte des Essens durfte nicht gesprochen werden - Du aber fandest das Essen oft ungeniessbar nanntest es das Fressen, das Vieh (die Kchin) hatte es verdorben. Weil Du entsprechend Deinem krftigen Hunger und Deiner besonderen Vorliebe alles schnell, heiss und in grossen Bissen gegessen hast, musste sich das Kind beeilen, dstere Stille war bei Tisch, unterbrochen von Ermahnungen: zuerst iss, dann sprich oder schneller, schneller, schneller oder siehst Du, ich habe schon lngst aufgegessen. Knochen durfte man nicht zerbeissen, Du ja. Essig durfte man nicht schlrfen, Du ja. Die Hauptsache war, dass man das Brot gerade schnitt; dass Du das aber mit einem von Sauce triefenden Messer tatest, war gleichgltig. Man musste achtgeben, dass keine Speisereste auf den Boden fielen, unter Dir lag schliesslich am meisten. Bei Tisch durfte man sich nur mit Essen beschftigen, Du aber putztest und schnittest Dir die Ngel, spitztest Bleistifte, reinigtest mit dem Zahnstocher die Ohren. Bitte, Vater, verstehe mich recht, das wren an sich vollstndig unbedeutende Einzelnheiten gewesen, niederdrckend wurden sie fr mich erst dadurch, dass Du, der fr mich so ungeheuer massgebende Mensch, Dich selbst an die Gebote nicht hieltest, die Du mir auflegtest. Dadurch wurde die Welt fr mich in drei Teile geteilt, in einen, wo ich, der Sklave, lebte, unter Gesetzen, die nur fr mich erfunden waren und denen ich berdies, ich wusste nicht warum, niemals vllig entsprechen konnte, dann in eine zweite Welt, die unendlich von meiner entfernt war, in der Du lebtest, beschftigt mit der Regierung, mit dem Ausgeben der Befehle und mit dem rger wegen deren Nichtbefolgung, und schliesslich in eine dritte Welt, wo die brigen Leute glcklich und frei von Befehlen und Gehorchen lebten. Ich war immerfort in Schande, entweder befolgte ich Deine Befehle, das war Schande, denn sie galten ja nur fr mich; oder ich war trotzig, das war auch Schande, denn wie durfte ich Dir gegenber trotzig sein, oder ich konnte nicht folgen, weil ich z. B. nicht Deine Kraft, nicht Deinen Appetit, nicht Deine Geschicklichkeit hatte, trotzdem Du es als etwas Selbstverstndliches von mir verlangtest; das war allerdings die grsste Schande. In dieser Weise bewegten sich nicht die berlegungen, aber das Gefhl des Kindes. Meine damalige Lage wird vielleicht deutlicher, wenn ich sie mit der von Felix vergleiche. Auch ihn behandelst Du ja hnlich, ja wendest sogar ein besonders frchterliches Erziehungsmittel gegen ihn an, indem Du, wenn er beim Essen etwas Deiner Meinung nach Unreines macht, Dich nicht damit begngst, wie damals zu mir zu sagen: Du bist ein grosses Schwein, sondern noch hinzufgst: ein echter Hermann oder genau, wie Dein Vater. Nun schadet das aber vielleicht - mehr als vielleicht kann man nicht sagen - dem Felix wirklich nicht wesentlich, denn fr ihn bist Du eben nur ein allerdings besonders bedeutender Grossvater, aber doch nicht alles, wie Du es fr mich gewesen bist, ausserdem ist Felix ein ruhiger, schon jetzt gewissermassen mnnlicher Charakter, der sich durch eine Donnerstimme vielleicht verblffen, aber nicht fr die Dauer bestimmen lsst, vor allem aber ist er doch nur verhltnismssig selten mit Dir beisammen, steht ja auch unter anderen Einflssen, Du bist ihm mehr etwas liebes Kurioses, aus dem er auswhlen kann, was er sich nehmen will. Mir warst Du nichts Kurioses, ich konnte nicht auswhlen, ich mute alles nehmen. Undzwar ohne etwas dagegen vorbringen zu knnen, denn es ist Dir von vornherein nicht mglich ruhig ber eine Sache zu sprechen, mit der Du nicht einverstanden bist oder die bloss nicht von Dir ausgeht; Dein herrisches Temperament lsst das nicht zu. In den letzten Jahren erklrst Du das durch Deine Herznervositt, ich wsste nicht, da Du jemals wesentlich anders gewesen bist, hchstens ist Dir die Herznervositt ein Mittel zur strengeren Ausbung der Herrschaft, da der Gedanke daran die letzte Widerrede im anderen ersticken muss. Das ist natrlich kein Vorwurf, nur Feststellung einer Tatsache. Man kann ja mit ihr gar nicht sprechen, sie springt einem gleich ins Gesicht pflegst Du zu sagen, aber in Wirklichkeit springt sie ursprnglich gar nicht; Du verwechselst die Sache mit der Person; die Sache springt Dir ins Gesicht und Du entscheidest sie sofort ohne Anhren der Person; was nachher noch vorgebracht wird, kann Dich nur weiter reizen, niemals berzeugen. Dann hrt man von Dir nur noch: Mach, was Du willst; von mir aus bist Du frei; Du bist grossjhrig; ich habe Dir keine Ratschlge zu geben und alles das mit dem frchterlichen heiseren Unterton des Zornes und der vollstndigen Verurteilung, vor dem ich heute nur deshalb weniger zittere als in der Kinderzeit, weil das ausschliessliche Schuldgefhl des Kindes zum Teil ersetzt ist durch den Einblick in unser beider Hilflosigkeit. Die Unmglichkeit des ruhigen Verkehrs hatte noch eine weitere eigentlich sehr natrliche Folge: ich verlernte das Reden. Ich wre ja wohl auch sonst kein grosser Redner geworden, aber die gewhnlich fliessende menschliche Sprache htte ich doch beherrscht. Du hast mir aber schon frh das Wort verboten. Deine Drohung: kein Wort der Widerrede! und die dazu erhobene Hand begleiten mich schon seit jeher. Ich bekam vor Dir - Du bist, sobald es um Deine Dinge geht, ein ausgezeichneter Redner - eine stockende, stotternde Art des Sprechens, auch das war Dir noch zu viel, schliesslich schwieg ich, zuerst vielleicht aus Trotz, dann weil ich vor Dir weder denken, noch reden konnte. Und weil Du mein eigentlicher Erzieher warst, wirkte das berall in meinem Leben nach. Es ist berhaupt ein merkwrdiger Irrtum, wenn Du glaubst, ich htte mich Dir nie gefgt. Immer alles contra ist wirklich nicht mein Lebensgrundsatz Dir gegenber gewesen, wie Du glaubst und mir vorwirfst. Im Gegenteil: htte ich Dir weniger gefolgt, Du wrest sicher viel zufriedener mit mir. Vielmehr haben alle Deine Erziehungsmassnahmen genau getroffen; keinem Griff bin ich ausgewichen; so wie ich bin, bin ich (von den Grundlagen und der Einwirkung des Lebens natrlich abgesehn) das Ergebnis Deiner Erziehung und meiner Folgsamkeit. Dass dieses Ergebnis Dir trotzdem peinlich ist, ja dass Du Dich unbewusst weigerst, es als Dein Erziehungsergebnis anzuerkennen, liegt eben daran, dass Deine Hand und mein Material einander so fremd gewesen sind. Du sagtest: Kein Wort der Widerrede! und wolltest damit die Dir unangenehmen Gegenkrfte in mir zum Schweigen bringen, diese Einwirkung war aber fr mich zu stark, ich war zu folgsam, ich verstummte gnzlich, verkroch mich vor Dir, und wagte mich erst zu regen, wenn ich so weit von Dir entfernt war, dass Deine Macht, wenigstens direkt, nicht mehr hinreichte. Du aber standst davor, und alles schien Dir wieder contra zu sein, whrend es nur selbstverstndliche Folge Deiner Strke und meiner Schwche war. Deine usserst wirkungsvollen, wenigstens mir gegenber niemals versagenden rednerischen Mittel bei der Erziehung waren: Schimpfen, Drohen, Ironie, bses Lachen und - merkwrdiger Weise - Selbstbeklagung. Dass Du mich direkt und mit ausdrcklichen Schimpfwrtern beschimpft httest, kann ich mich nicht erinnern. Es war auch nicht ntig, Du hattest so viele andere Mittel, auch flogen im Gesprch zuhause und besonders im Geschft die Schimpfwrter rings um mich in solchen Mengen auf andere nieder, dass ich als kleiner Junge manchmal davon fast betubt war und keinen Grund hatte, sie nicht auch auf mich zu beziehn, denn die Leute, die Du beschimpftest, waren gewiss nicht schlechter als ich und Du warst gewiss mit ihnen nicht unzufriedener als mit mir. Und auch hier war wieder Deine rtselhafte Unschuld und Unangreifbarkeit, Du schimpftest ohne Dir irgendwelche Bedenken deshalb zu machen, ja Du verurteiltest das Schimpfen bei anderen und verbotest es. Das Schimpfen verstrktest Du mit Drohen und das galt nun auch schon mir. Schrecklich war mir z. B. dieses: ich zerreisse Dich wie einen Fisch, trotzdem ich ja wusste, dass dem nichts Schlimmeres nachfolgte (als kleines Kind wusste ich das allerdings nicht) aber es entsprach fast meinen Vorstellungen von Deiner Macht, dass Du auch das imstande gewesen wrest. Schrecklich war es auch, wenn Du schreiend um den Tisch herumliefst, um einen zu fassen, offenbar gar nicht fassen wolltest, aber doch so tatest und die Mutter einen schliesslich scheinbar rettete. Wieder hatte man einmal, so schien es dem Kind, das Leben durch Deine Gnade behalten und trug es als Dein unverdientes Geschenk weiter. Hierher gehren auch die Drohungen wegen der Folgen des Ungehorsams. Wenn ich etwas zu tun anfing, was Dir nicht gefiel und Du drohtest mir mit dem Misserfolg, so war die Ehrfurcht vor Deiner Meinung so gross, dass damit der Misserfolg, wenn auch vielleicht erst fr eine sptere Zeit, unaufhaltsam war. Ich verlor das Vertrauen zu eigenem Tun. Ich war unbestndig, zweifelhaft. Je lter ich wurde, desto grsser war das Material, das Du mir zum Beweis meiner Wertlosigkeit entgegenhalten konntest, allmhlich bekamst Du in gewisser Hinsicht wirklich Recht. Wieder hte ich mich zu behaupten, dass ich nur durch Dich so wurde; Du verstrktest nur, was war, aber Du verstrktest es sehr, weil Du eben mir gegenber sehr mchtig warst und alle Macht dazu verwendetest. Ein besonderes Vertrauen hattest Du zur Erziehung durch Ironie, sie entsprach auch am besten Deiner berlegenheit ber mich. Eine Ermahnung hatte bei Dir gewhnlich diese Form: Kannst Du das nicht so und so machen? Das ist Dir wohl schon zu viel? Dazu hast Du natrlich keine Zeit? und hnlich. Dabei jede solche Frage begleitet von bsem Lachen und bsem Gesicht. Man wurde gewissermassen schon bestraft, ehe man noch wusste, dass man etwas Schlechtes getan hatte. Aufreizend waren auch jene Zurechtweisungen, wo man als 3tte Person behandelt, also nicht einmal des bsen Ansprechens gewrdigt wurde; wo Du also etwa formell zur Mutter sprachst, aber eigentlich zu mir, der dabei sass z. B. Das kann man vom Herrn Sohn natrlich nicht haben und dgl. (Das bekam dann sein Gegenspiel darin, dass ich z. B. nicht wagte und spter aus Gewohnheit gar nicht mehr daran dachte, Dich direkt zu fragen, wenn die Mutter dabei war. Es war dem Kind viel ungefhrlicher, die neben Dir sitzende Mutter ber Dich auszufragen, man fragte dann die Mutter: Wie geht es dem Vater? und sicherte sich so vor berraschungen.) Es gab natrlich auch Flle, wo man mit der rgsten Ironie sehr einverstanden war, nmlich wenn sie einen anderen betraf z. B. die Elli, mit der ich jahrelang bse war. Es war fr mich ein Fest der Bosheit und Schadenfreude, wenn es von ihr fast bei jedem Essen etwa hiess: Zehn Meter weit vom Tisch muss sie sitzen, die breite Mad und wenn Du dann bse auf Deinem Sessel, ohne die leiseste Spur von Freundlichkeit oder Laune, sondern als erbitterter Feind bertrieben ihr nachzumachen suchtest, wie usserst widerlich fr Deinen Geschmack sie das ass. Wie oft hat sich das und hnliches wiederholen mssen, wie wenig hast Du im Tatschlichen dadurch erreicht. Ich glaube, es lag daran, dass der Aufwand von Zorn und Bsesein zur Sache selbst in keinem richtigen Verhltnis zu sein schien, man hatte nicht das Gefhl, dass der Zorn durch diese Kleinigkeit des Weit-vom-Tische-sitzens erzeugt sei, sondern dass er in seiner ganzen Grsse von vornherein vorhanden war und nur zufllig gerade diese Sache als Anlass zum Losbrechen genommen habe. Da man berzeugt war, dass sich ein Anlass jedenfalls finden wrde, nahm man sich nicht besonders zusammen, auch stumpfte man unter der fortwhrenden Drohung ab; dass man nicht geprgelt wurde, dessen war man ja allmhlich fast sicher. Man wurde ein mrrisches, unaufmerksames, ungehorsames Kind, immer auf eine Flucht, meist eine innere bedacht. So littest Du, so litten wir. Du hattest von Deinem Standpunkt ganz recht, wenn Du mit zusammengebissenen Zhnen und dem gurgelnden Lachen, welches dem Kind zum erstenmal hllische Vorstellungen vermittelt hatte, bitter zu sagen pflegtest (wie erst letzthin wegen eines Konstantinopler Briefes): Das ist eine Gesellschaft! Ganz unvertrglich mit dieser Stellung zu Deinen Kindern schien es zu sein, wenn Du, was ja sehr oft geschah, ffentlich Dich beklagtest. Ich gestehe, dass ich als Kind (spter wohl) dafr gar kein Gefhl hatte und nicht verstand, wie Du berhaupt erwarten konntest, Mitgefhl zu finden. Du warst so riesenhaft in jeder Hinsicht was konnte Dir an unserem Mitleid liegen oder gar an unserer Hilfe. Die musstest Du doch eigentlich verachten, wie uns selbst so oft. Ich glaubte daher den Klagen nicht und suchte irgendeine geheime Absicht hinter ihnen. Erst spter begriff ich, dass Du wirklich durch die Kinder sehr littest, damals aber, wo die Klagen noch unter anderen Umstnden einen kindlichen, offenen, bedenkenlosen, zu jeder Hilfe bereiten Sinn htten antreffen knnen, mussten sie mir wieder nur berdeutliche Erziehungs- und Demtigungsmittel sein, als solche an sich nicht sehr stark, aber mit der schdlichen Nebenwirkung, dass das Kind sich gewhnte, gerade Dinge nicht sehr ernst zu nehmen, die es ernst htte nehmen sollen. Es gab glcklicher Weise davon allerdings auch Ausnahmen meistens wenn Du schweigend littest und Liebe und Gte mit ihrer Kraft alles Entgegenstehende berwand und unmittelbar ergriff. Selten war das allerdings, aber es war wunderbar. Etwa wenn ich Dich frher in heissen Sommern mittags nach dem Essen im Geschft mde ein wenig schlafen sah, den Ellbogen auf dem Pult, oder wenn Du Sonntags abgehetzt zu uns in die Sommerfrische kamst; oder wenn Du bei einer schweren Krankheit der Mutter zitternd vom Weinen Dich am Bcherkasten festhieltest; oder wenn Du whrend meiner letzten Krankheit leise zu mir in Ottlas Zimmer kamst, auf der Schwelle bliebst, nur den Hals strecktest, um mich im Bett zu sehn, und aus Rcksicht nur mit der Hand grsstest. Zu solchen Zeiten legte man sich hin und weinte vor Glck und weint jetzt wieder, whrend man es schreibt. Du hast auch eine besonders schne, sehr selten zu sehende Art eines stillen, zufriedenen, gutheissenden Lchelns, das den, dem es gilt, ganz glcklich machen kann. Ich kann mich nicht erinnern, dass es in meiner Kindheit ausdrcklich mir zuteil geworden wre, aber es drfte wohl geschehen sein, denn warum solltest Du es mir damals verweigert haben, da ich Dir noch unschuldig schien und Deine grosse Hoffnung war. brigens haben auch solche freundliche Eindrcke auf die Dauer nichts anderes erzielt, als mein Schuldbewusstsein vergrssert und die Welt mir noch unverstndlicher gemacht. Lieber hielt ich mich ans Tatschliche und Fortwhrende. Um mich Dir gegenber nur ein wenig zu behaupten, zum Teil auch aus einer Art Rache fing ich bald an kleine Lcherlichkeiten, die ich an Dir bemerkte, zu beobachten, zu sammeln, zu bertreiben. Wie Du z. B. leicht Dich von meist nur scheinbar hher stehenden Personen blenden liessest und davon immerfort erzhlen konntest, etwa von irgendeinem kais. Rat oder dgl. (andererseits tat mir etwas derartiges auch weh, dass Du, mein Vater, solche nichtige Besttigungen Deines Wertes zu brauchen glaubtest und mit ihnen gross tatest). Oder ich beobachtete Deine Vorliebe fr unanstndige, mglichst laut herausgebrachte Redensarten, ber die Du lachtest, als httest Du etwas besonders Vortreffliches gesagt, whrend es eben nur eine platte, kleine Unanstndigkeit war (gleichzeitig war es allerdings auch wieder eine mich beschmende usserung Deiner Lebenskraft). Solcher verschiedener Beobachtungen gab es natrlich eine Menge; ich war glcklich ber sie, es gab fr mich Anlass zu Getuschel und Spass, Du bemerktest es manchmal, rgertest Dich darber, hieltest es fr Bosheit, Respektlosigkeit, aber glaube mir, es war nichts anderes fr mich, als ein brigens untaugliches Mittel zur Selbsterhaltung, es waren Scherze, wie man sie ber Gtter und Knige verbreitet, Scherze, die mit dem tiefsten Respekt nicht nur sich verbinden lassen, sondern sogar zu ihm gehren. Auch Du hast brigens, entsprechend Deiner hnlichen Lage mir gegenber, eine Art Gegenwehr versucht. Du pflegtest darauf hinzuweisen, wie bertrieben gut es mir ging und wie gut ich eigentlich behandelt worden bin. Das ist richtig, ich glaube aber nicht, dass es mir unter den einmal vorhandenen Umstnden im wesentlichen gentzt hat. Es ist wahr, dass die Mutter grenzenlos gut zu mir war, aber alles das stand fr mich in Beziehung zu Dir, also in keiner guten Beziehung. Die Mutter hatte unbewusst die Rolle eines Treibers in der Jagd. Wenn schon Deine Erziehung in irgendeinem unwahrscheinlichen Fall mich durch Erzeugung von Trotz, Abneigung oder gar Hass auf eigene Fsse htte stellen knnen, so glich das die Mutter durch Gut-sein, durch vernnftige Rede (sie war im Wirrwarr der Kindheit das Urbild der Vernunft), durch Frbitte wieder aus und ich war wieder in Deinen Kreis zurckgetrieben, aus dem ich sonst vielleicht, Dir und mir zum Vorteil ausgebrochen wre. Oder es war so, dass es zu keiner eigentlichen Vershnung kam, dass die Mutter mich vor Dir bloss im Geheimen schtzte, mir im Geheimen etwas gab, etwas erlaubte, dann war ich wieder vor Dir das lichtscheue Wesen, der Betrger, der Schuldbewusste, der wegen seiner Nichtigkeit selbst zu dem, was er fr sein Recht hielt, nur auf Schleichwegen kommen konnte. Natrlich gewhnte ich mich dann auf diesen Wegen auch das zu suchen, worauf ich, selbst meiner Meinung nach kein Recht hatte. Das war wieder Vergrsserung des Schuldbewusstseins. Es ist auch wahr, dass Du mich kaum einmal wirklich geschlagen hast. Aber das Schreien, das Rotwerden Deines Gesichts, das eilige Losmachen der Hosentrger, ihr Bereitliegen auf der Stuhllehne, war fr mich fast rger. Es ist, wie wenn einer gehenkt werden soll. Wird er wirklich gehenkt, dann ist er tot und es ist alles vorber. Wenn er aber alle Vorbereitungen zum Gehenkt werden miterleben muss und erst wenn ihm die Schlinge vor dem Gesicht hngt, von seiner Begnadigung erfhrt, so kann er sein Leben lang daran zu leiden haben. berdies sammelte sich aus diesen vielen Malen, wo ich Deiner deutlich gezeigten Meinung nach Prgel verdient htte, ihnen aber aus Deiner Gnade noch knapp entgangen war, wieder nur ein grosses Schuldbewusstsein an. Von allen Seiten her kam ich in Deine Schuld. Seit jeher machtest Du mir zum Vorwurf (undzwar mir allein oder vor andern; fr das Demtigende des Letzteren hattest Du kein Gefhl, die Angelegenheiten Deiner Kinder waren immer ffentliche), dass ich dank Deiner Arbeit ohne alle Entbehrungen in Ruhe, Wrme, Flle lebte. Ich denke da an Bemerkungen, die in meinem Gehirn frmlich Furchen gezogen haben mssen, wie: Schon mit 7 Jahren musste ich mit dem Karren durch die Drfer fahren Wir mussten alle in einer Stube schlafen Wir waren glcklich, wenn wir Erdpfel hatten Jahrelang hatte ich wegen ungengender Winterkleidung offene Wunden an den Beinen Als kleiner Junge musste ich schon nach Pisek ins Geschft Von zuhause bekam ich gar nichts, nicht einmal beim Militr, ich schickte noch Geld nachhause Aber trotzdem, trotzdem - der Vater war mir immer der Vater. Wer weiss das heute! Was wissen die Kinder! Das hat niemand gelitten! Versteht das heute ein Kind? Solche Erzhlungen htten unter andern Verhltnissen ein ausgezeichnetes Erziehungsmittel sein knnen, sie htten zum berstehen der gleichen Plagen und Entbehrungen, die der Vater durchgemacht hatte, aufmuntern und krftigen knnen. Aber das wolltest Du doch gar nicht, die Lage war ja eben durch das Ergebnis Deiner Mhe eine andere geworden, Gelegenheit sich in der Weise auszuzeichnen, wie Du es getan hattest, gab es nicht. Eine solche Gelegenheit htte man erst durch Gewalt und Umsturz schaffen mssen, man htte von zuhause ausbrechen mssen (vorausgesetzt dass man die Entschlussfhigkeit und Kraft dazu gehabt htte und die Mutter nicht ihrerseits mit anderen Mitteln dagegen gearbeitet htte.) Aber das alles wolltest Du doch gar nicht, das bezeichnetest Du als Undankbarkeit, berspanntheit, Ungehorsam, Verrat, Verrcktheit. Whrend Du also von einer Seite durch Beispiel, Erzhlung und Beschmung dazu locktest, verbotest! Du es auf der anderen Seite allerstrengstens. Sonst httest Du z. B., von den Nebenumstnden abgesehen, von Ottlas Zrauer Abenteuer eigentlich entzckt sein mssen. Sie wollte auf das Land, von dem Du gekommen warst, sie wollte Arbeit und Entbehrungen haben, wie Du sie gehabt hattest, sie wollte nicht Deine Arbeitserfolge geniessen, wie auch Du von Deinem Vater unabhngig gewesen bist. Waren das so schreckliche Absichten? So fern Deinem Beispiel und Deiner Lehre? Gut, die Absichten Ottlas misslangen schliesslich im Ergebnis, wurden vielleicht etwas lcherlich, mit zuviel Lrm ausgefhrt, sie nahm nicht genug Rcksicht auf ihre Eltern. War das aber ausschliesslich ihre Schuld, nicht auch die Schuld der Verhltnisse und vor allem dessen, dass Du ihr so entfremdet warst? War sie Dir etwa (wie Du Dir spter selbst einreden wolltest) im Geschft weniger entfremdet, als nachher in Zrau? Und httest Du nicht ganz gewiss die Macht gehabt (vorausgesetzt, dass Du Dich dazu httest berwinden knnen) durch Aufmunterung, Rat und Aufsicht, vielleicht sogar nur durch Duldung aus diesem Abenteuer etwas sehr Gutes zu machen? Anschliessend an solche Erfahrungen pflegtest Du in bitterem Scherz zu sagen, dass es uns zu gut ging. Aber dieser Scherz ist in gewissem Sinn keiner. Das was Du Dir erkmpfen musstest, bekamen wir aus Deiner Hand, aber den Kampf um das ussere Leben, der Dir sofort zugnglich war und der natrlich auch uns nicht erspart bleibt, den mssen wir uns erst spt, mit Kinderkraft im Mannesalter erkmpfen. Ich sage nicht, dass unsere Lage deshalb unbedingt ungnstiger ist als es Deine war, sie ist jener vielmehr wahrscheinlich gleichwertig (wobei allerdings die Grundanlagen nicht verglichen sind) nur darin sind wir im Nachteil, dass wir mit unserer Not uns nicht rhmen und niemanden mit ihr demtigen knnen, wie Du es mit Deiner Not getan hast: Ich leugne auch nicht, dass es mglich gewesen wre, dass ich die Frchte Deiner grossen und erfolgreichen Arbeit wirklich richtig htte geniessen, verwerten und mit ihnen zu Deiner Freude htte weiterarbeiten knnen, dem aber stand eben unsere Entfremdung entgegen. Ich konnte, was Du gabst, geniessen, aber nur in Beschmung, Mdigkeit, Schwche, Schuldbewusstsein. Deshalb konnte ich Dir fr alles nur bettlerhaft dankbar sein, durch die Tat nicht. Das nchste ussere Ergebnis dieser ganzen Erziehung war, dass ich alles floh, was nur von der Ferne an Dich erinnerte. Zuerst das Geschft. An und fr sich besonders in der Kinderzeit, solange es ein Gassengeschft war, htte es mich sehr freuen mssen, es war so lebendig, abends beleuchtet, man sah, man hrte viel, konnte hie und da helfen, sich auszeichnen, vor allem aber Dich bewundern in Deinen grossartigen kaufmnnischen Talenten, wie Du verkauftest, Leute behandeltest, Spsse machtest, unermdlich warst, in Zweifelsfllen sofort die Entscheidung wusstest u.s.w. noch wie Du einpacktest oder eine Kiste aufmachtest, war ein sehenswertes Schauspiel und das ganze alles in allem gewiss nicht die schlechteste Kinderschule. Aber da Du allmhlich von allen Seiten mich erschrecktest und Geschft und Du sich mir deckten, war mir auch das Geschft nicht mehr behaglich. Dinge, die mir dort zuerst selbstverstndlich gewesen waren, qulten, beschmten mich, besonders Deine Behandlung des Personals. Ich weiss nicht, vielleicht ist sie in den meisten Geschften so gewesen (in der Assecurazioni Generali z. B. war sie zu meiner Zeit wirklich hnlich, ich erklrte dort dem Direktor, nicht ganz wahrheitsgemss, aber auch nicht ganz erlogen meine Kndigung damit, dass ich das Schimpfen, das brigens mich direkt gar nicht betroffen hatte, nicht ertragen knne; ich war darin zu schmerzhaft empfindlich schon von Hause her) aber die anderen Geschfte kmmerten mich in der Kinderzeit nicht. Dich aber hrte und sah ich im Geschft schreien, schimpfen und wten, wie es meiner damaligen Meinung nach in der ganzen Welt nicht wieder vorkam. Und nicht nur Schimpfen, auch sonstige Tyrannei. Wie Du z. B. Waren, die Du mit anderen nicht verwechselt haben wolltest, mit einem Ruck vom Pult hinunterwarfst - nur die Besinnungslosigkeit Deines Zorns entschuldigte Dich ein wenig - und der Kommis sie aufheben musste. Oder Deine stndige Redensart hinsichtlich eines lungenkranken Kommis: Er soll krepieren, der kranke Hund! Du nanntest die Angestellten bezahlte Feinde, das waren sie auch, aber noch ehe sie es geworden waren, schienst Du mir ihr zahlender Feind zu sein. Dort bekam ich auch die grosse Lehre, dass Du ungerecht sein konntest; an mir selbst htte ich es nicht so bald bemerkt, da hatte sich ja zuviel Schuldgefhl angesammelt, das Dir recht gab; aber dort waren nach meiner, spter natrlich ein wenig, aber nicht allzusehr korrigierten Kindermeinung fremde Leute, die doch fr uns arbeiteten und dafr in fortwhrender Angst vor Dir leben mussten. Natrlich bertrieb ich da undzwar deshalb weil ich ohne weiters annahm, Du wirktest auf die Leute ebenso schrecklich wie auf mich. Wenn das so gewesen wre, htten sie wirklich nicht leben knnen; da sie aber erwachsene Leute mit meist ausgezeichneten Nerven waren, schttelten sie das Schimpfen ohne Mhe von sich ab und es schadete Dir schliesslich viel mehr als ihnen. Mir aber machte es das Geschft unleidlich, es erinnerte mich allzusehr an mein Verhltnis zu Dir: Du warst ganz abgesehen vom Unternehmerinteresse und abgesehen von Deiner Herrschsucht schon als Geschftsmann allen, die jemals bei Dir gelernt haben, so sehr berlegen, dass Dich keine ihrer Leistungen befriedigen konnte, hnlich ewig unbefriedigt musstest Du auch von mir sein. Deshalb gehrte ich notwendig zur Partei des Personals, brigens auch deshalb, weil ich schon aus ngstlichkeit nicht begriff, wie man einen Fremden so beschimpfen konnte und darum aus ngstlichkeit das meiner Meinung nach frchterlich aufgebrachte Personal irgendwie mit Dir, mit unserer Familie schon um meiner eigenen Sicherheit willen ausshnen wollte. Dazu gengte nicht mehr gewhnliches, anstndiges Benehmen gegenber dem Personal, nicht einmal mehr bescheidenes Benehmen, vielmehr musste ich demtig sein, nicht nur zuerst grssen, sondern womglich auch noch den Gegengruss abwehren. Und htte ich, die unbedeutende Person, ihnen unten die Fe geleckt, es wre noch immer kein Ausgleich dafr gewesen, wie Du, der Herr, oben auf sie loshacktest. Dieses Verhltnis, in das ich hier zu Mitmenschen trat, wirkte ber das Geschft hinaus und in die Zukunft weiter (etwas hnliches aber nicht so gefhrlich und tiefgreifend wie bei mir, ist z.B. auch Ottlas Vorliebe fr den Verkehr mit armen Leuten, das Dich so rgernde Zusammensitzen mit den Dienstmdchen u. dgl.). Schliesslich frchtete ich mich fast vor dem Geschft und jedenfalls war es schon lngst nicht mehr meine Sache, ehe ich noch ins Gymnasium kam und dadurch noch weiter davon fortgefhrt wurde. Auch schien es mir fr meine Fhigkeiten ganz unerschwinglich, da es, wie Du sagtest, selbst die Deinigen verbrauchte. Du suchtest dann (fr mich ist das heute rhrend und beschmend) aus meiner Dich doch sehr schmerzenden Abneigung gegen das Geschft, gegen Dein Werk doch noch ein wenig Sssigkeit fr Dich zu ziehn, indem Du behauptetest, mir fehle der Geschftssinn, ich habe hhere Ideen im Kopf u. dgl. Die Mutter freute sich natrlich ber diese Erklrung, die Du Dir abzwangst, und auch ich in meiner Eitelkeit und Not liess mich davon beeinflussen. Wren es aber wirklich nur oder hauptschlich die hheren Ideen gewesen, die mich vom Geschft (das ich jetzt, aber erst jetzt, ehrlich und tatschlich hasse) abbrachten, sie htten sich anders ussern mssen, als dass sie mich ruhig und ngstlich durchs Gymnasium und durch das Jusstudium schwimmen liessen, bis ich beim Beamtenschreibtisch endgltig landete. Wollte ich vor Dir fliehn, musste ich auch vor der Familie fliehn, selbst vor der Mutter. Mann konnte bei ihr zwar immer Schutz finden, doch nur in Beziehung zu Dir. Zu sehr liebte sie Dich und war Dir zu sehr treu ergeben, als dass sie in dem Kampf des Kindes eine selbstndige geistige Macht fr die Dauer htte sein knnen. Ein richtiger Instinkt des Kindes brigens, denn die Mutter wurde Dir mit den Jahren immer noch enger verbunden; whrend sie immer, was sie selbst betraf, ihre Selbstndigkeit in kleinsten Grenzen schn und zart und ohne Dich jemals wesentlich zu krnken bewahrte, nahm sie doch mit den Jahren immer vollstndiger, mehr im Gefhl als im Verstand, Deine Urteile und Verurteilungen hinsichtlich der Kinder blindlings ber, besonders in dem allerdings schweren Fall der Ottla. Freilich muss man immer im Gedchtnis behalten, wie qulend und bis zum letzten aufreibend die Stellung der Mutter in der Familie war. Sie hat sich im Geschft, im Haushalt geplagt, alle Krankheiten der Familie doppelt mitgelitten, aber die Krnung alles dessen war das, was sie in ihrer Zwischenstellung zwischen uns und Dir gelitten hat. Du bist immer liebend und rcksichtsvoll zu ihr gewesen, aber in dieser Hinsicht hast Du sie ganz genau so wenig geschont, wie wir sie geschont haben. Rcksichtslos haben wir auf sie eingehmmert, Du von Deiner Seite, wir von unserer. Es war eine Ablenkung, man dachte an nichts Bses, man dachte nur an den Kampf, den Du mit uns, den wir mit Dir fhrten, und auf der Mutter tobten wir uns aus. Es war auch kein guter Beitrag zur Kindererziehung, wie Du sie - ohne jede Schuld Deinerseits natrlich - unseretwegen qultest. Es rechtfertigte sogar scheinbar unser sonst nicht zu rechtfertigendes Benehmen ihr gegenber. Was hat sie von uns Deinetwegen und von Dir unseretwegen gelitten, ganz ungerechnet jene Flle, wo Du recht hattest, weil sie uns verzog, wenn auch selbst dieses Verziehn manchmal nur eine stille, unbewusste Gegendemonstration gegen Dein System gewesen sein mag. Natrlich htte die Mutter das alles nicht ertragen knnen, wenn sie nicht aus der Liebe zu uns allen und aus dem Glck dieser Liebe die Kraft zum Ertragen genommen htte. Die Schwestern gingen nur zum Teil mit mir. Am glcklichsten in ihrer Stellung zu Dir war Valli. Am nchsten der Mutter stehend, fgte sie sich Dir auch hnlich, ohne viel Mhe und Schaden. Du nahmst sie aber auch, eben in Erinnerung an die Mutter, freundlicher hin, trotzdem wenig Kafkasches Material in ihr war. Aber vielleicht war Dir gerade das recht; wo nichts Kafkasches war, konntest selbst Du nichts derartiges verlangen; Du hattest auch nicht, wie bei uns andern das Gefhl, dass hier etwas verloren gieng, das mit Gewalt gerettet werden msste. brigens magst Du das Kafkasche, soweit es sich in Frauen geussert hat, niemals besonders geliebt haben. Das Verhltnis Vallis zu Dir wre sogar vielleicht noch freundlicher geworden, wenn wir anderen es nicht ein wenig gestrt htten. Die Elli ist das einzige Beispiel fr das fast vollstndige Gelingen eines Durchbruches aus Deinem Kreis. Von ihr htte ich es in ihrer Kindheit am wenigsten erwartet. Sie war doch ein so schwerflliges, mdes, furchtsames, verdrossenes, schuldbewusstes, berdemtiges, boshaftes, faules, genschiges, geiziges Kind, ich konnte sie kaum ansehn, gar nicht ansprechen, so sehr erinnerte sie mich an mich selbst, so sehr hnlich stand sie unter dem gleichen Bann der Erziehung. Besonders ihr Geiz war mir abscheulich, da ich ihn womglich noch strker hatte. Geiz ist ja eines der verlsslichsten Anzeichen tiefen Unglcklichseins; ich war so unsicher aller Dinge, dass ich tatschlich nur das besass, was ich schon in den Hnden oder im Mund hielt oder was wenigstens auf dem Wege dorthin war und gerade das nahm sie, die in hnlicher Lage war, mir am liebsten fort. Aber das alles nderte sich, als sie in jungen Jahren - das ist das wichtigste - von zuhause weggieng, heiratete, Kinder bekam, sie wurde frhlich, unbekmmert, mutig, freigebig, uneigenntzig, hoffnungsvoll. Fast unglaublich ist es, wie Du eigentlich diese Vernderung gar nicht bemerkt und jedenfalls nicht nach Verdienst bewertet hast, so geblendet bist Du von dem Groll, den Du gegen Elli seit jeher hattest und im Grunde unverndert hast, nur dass dieser Groll jetzt viel weniger aktuell geworden ist, da Elli nicht mehr bei uns wohnt und ausserdem Deine Liebe zu Felix und die Zuneigung zu Karl ihn unwichtiger gemacht haben. Nur Gerti muss ihn manchmal noch entgelten. Von Ottla wage ich kaum zu schreiben, ich weiss, ich setze damit die ganze erhoffte Wirkung des Briefes aufs Spiel. Unter gewhnlichen Umstnden, also wenn sie nicht etwa in besondere Not oder Gefahr kme, hast Du fr sie nur Hass; Du hast mir ja selbst zugestanden, dass sie Deiner Meinung nach mit Absicht Dir immerfort Leid und rger macht und whrend Du ihretwegen leidest, ist sie befriedigt und freut sich. Also eine Art Teufel. Was fr eine ungeheure Entfremdung, noch grsser als zwischen Dir und mir, muss zwischen Dir und ihr eingetreten sein, damit eine so ungeheure Verkennung mglich wird. Sie ist so weit von Dir, dass Du sie kaum mehr siehst, sondern ein Gespenst an die Stelle setzt, wo Du sie vermutest. Ich gebe zu, dass Du es mit ihr besonders schwer hattest. Ich durchschaue ja den sehr komplizierten Fall nicht ganz, aber jedenfalls war hier etwas wie eine Art Lwy, ausgestattet mit den besten Kafkaschen Waffen. Zwischen uns war es kein eigentlicher Kampf; ich war bald erledigt; was brig blieb, war Flucht, Verbitterung, Trauer, innerer Kampf. Ihr zwei aber waret immer in Kampfstellung, immer frisch, immer bei Krften. Ein ebenso grossartiger wie trostloser Anblick. Zu allererst seid ihr Euch ja gewiss sehr nahe gewesen, denn noch heute ist von uns vier Ottla vielleicht die reinste Darstellung der Ehe zwischen Dir und der Mutter und der Krfte, die sich da verbanden. Ich weiss nicht, was Euch um das Glck der Eintracht zwischen Vater und Kind gebracht hat, es liegt mir nur nahe zu glauben, dass die Entwicklung hnlich war, wie bei mir. Auf Deiner Seite die Tyrannei Deines Wesens, auf ihrer Seite Lwyscher Trotz, Empfindlichkeit, Gerechtigkeitsgefhl, Unruhe, und alles das gesttzt durch das Bewusstsein Kafkascher Kraft. Wohl habe auch ich sie beeinflusst, aber kaum aus eigenem Antrieb, sondern durch die blosse Tatsache meines Daseins. brigens kam sie doch als Letzte in schon fertige Machtverhltnisse hinein und konnte sich aus dem vielen bereitliegenden Material ihr Urteil selbst bilden. Ich kann mir sogar denken, dass sie in ihrem Wesen eine Zeitlang geschwankt hat, ob sie sich Dir an die Brust werfen soll oder den Gegnern, offenbar hast Du damals etwas versumt und sie zurckgestossen, Ihr wret aber, wenn es eben mglich gewesen wre, ein prachtvolles Paar an Eintracht geworden. Ich htte dadurch zwar einen Verbndeten verloren, aber der Anblick von Euch beiden htte mich reich entschdigt, auch wrest ja Du durch das unabsehbare Glck, wenigstens in einem Kind volle Befriedigung zu finden, sehr zu meinen Gunsten verwandelt worden. Das alles ist heute allerdings nur ein Traum. Ottla hat keine Verbindung mit dem Vater, muss ihren Weg allein suchen, wie ich, und um das Mehr an Zuversicht, Selbstvertrauen, Gesundheit, Bedenkenlosigkeit, das sie im Vergleich mit mir hat, ist sie in Deinen Augen bser und verrterischer als ich. Ich verstehe das; von Dir aus gesehen kann sie nicht anders sein. Ja sie selbst ist imstande, mit Deinen Augen Dich sich anzusehn, Dein Leid mitzufhlen und darber - nicht verzweifelt zu sein, Verzweiflung ist meine Sache - aber sehr traurig zu sein. Du siehst uns zwar, in scheinbarem Widerspruch hierzu, oft beisammen, wir flstern lachen, hie und da hrst Du Dich erwhnen. Du hast den Eindruck von frechen Verschwrern. Merkwrdige Verschwrer. Du bist allerdings ein Hauptthema unserer Gesprche, wie unseres Denkens seit jeher, aber wahrhaftig nicht, um etwas gegen Dich auszudenken, sitzen wir beisammen, sondern um mit aller Anstrengung, mit Spass, mit Ernst, mit Liebe, Trotz, Zorn, Widerwille, Ergebung, Schuldbewusstsein, mit allen Krften des Kopfes und Herzens diesen schrecklichen Prozess, der zwischen uns und Dir schwebt, in allen Einzelnheiten, von allen Seiten, bei allen Anlssen, von fern und nah gemeinsam durchzusprechen, diesen Prozess, in dem Du immerfort Richter zu sein behauptest, whrend Du, wenigstens zum grssten Teil (hier lasse ich die Tr allen Irrtmern offen, die mir natrlich begegnen knnen) ebenso schwache und verblendete Partei bist, wie wir. Ein im Zusammenhang des Ganzen lehrreiches Beispiel Deiner erzieherischen Wirkung war Irma. Einerseits war sie doch eine Fremde, kam schon erwachsen in Dein Geschft, hatte mit Dir hauptschlich als ihrem Chef zu tun, war also nur zum Teil und in einem schon widerstandsfhigen Alter Deinem Einfluss ausgesetzt; andererseits aber war sie doch auch eine Blutsverwandte, verehrte in Dir den Bruder ihres Vaters und Du hattest ber sie viel mehr als die blosse Macht eines Chefs. Und trotzdem ist sie, die in ihrem schwachen Krper so tchtig, klug, fleissig, bescheiden, vertrauenswrdig, uneigenntzig, treu war, die Dich als Onkel liebte und als Chef bewunderte, die in andern Posten vorher und nachher sich bewhrte - Dir keine sehr gute Beamtin gewesen. Sie war eben, natrlich auch von uns hingedrngt, Dir gegenber nahe der Kinderstellung und so gro war noch ihr gegenber die umbiegende Macht Deines Wesens, dass sich bei ihr (allerdings nur Dir gegenber und, hoffentlich, ohne das tiefere Leid des Kindes) Vergesslichkeit, Nachlssigkeit, Galgenhumor, vielleicht sogar ein wenig Trotz, soweit sie dessen berhaupt fhig war, entwickelten, wobei ich gar nicht in Rechnung stelle, dass sie krnklich gewesen ist, auch sonst nicht sehr glcklich war und eine trostlose Huslichkeit auf ihr lastete. Das fr mich Beziehungsreiche Deines Verhltnisses zu ihr hast Du in einem fr uns klassisch gewordenen, fast gotteslsterlichen, aber gerade fr die Unschuld in Deiner Menschenbehandlung sehr beweisenden Satz zusammengefasst: Die Gottselige hat mir viel Schweinerei hinterlassen. Ich knnte noch weitere Kreise Deines Einflusses und des Kampfes gegen ihn beschreiben, doch kme ich hier schon ins Unsichere und msste konstruieren, ausserdem wirst Du ja, je weiter Du von Geschft und Familie Dich entfernst, seit jeher desto freundlicher, nachgiebiger, hflicher, rcksichtsvoller, teilnehmender (ich meine: auch usserlich) ebenso wie ja z.B. auch ein Selbstherrscher, wenn er einmal ausserhalb der Grenzen seines Landes ist, keinen Grund hat noch immer tyrannisch zu sein und sich gutmtig auch mit den niedrigsten Leuten einlassen kann. Tatschlich standest Du z.B. auf den Gruppenbildern aus Franzensbad immer so gern und frhlich zwischen den kleinen mrrischen Leuten, wie ein Knig auf Reisen. Davon htten allerdings auch die Kinder ihren Vorteil haben knnen, nur htten sie schon, was unmglich war, in der Kinderzeit fhig sein mssen, das zu erkennen, und ich z.B. htte nicht immerfort gewissermassen im innersten, strengsten, zuschnrenden Ring Deines Einflusses wohnen drfen, wie ich es ja wirklich getan habe. Ich verlor dadurch nicht nur den Familiensinn, wie Du sagst, im Gegenteil, eher hatte ich noch Sinn fr die Familie, allerdings hauptschlich negativ fr die (natrlich nie zu beendigende) innere Ablsung von Dir. Die Beziehungen zu den Menschen ausserhalb der Familie litten aber durch Deinen Einfluss womglich noch mehr. Du bist durchaus im Irrtum, wenn Du glaubst, fr die anderen Menschen tue ich aus Liebe und Treue alles, fr Dich und die Familie aus Klte und Verrat nichts. Ich wiederhole zum zehntenmal: ich wre wahrscheinlich auch sonst ein menschenscheuer ngstlicher Mensch geworden, aber von da ist noch ein langer dunkler Weg dorthin, wohin ich wirklich gekommen bin. [Bisher habe ich in diesem Brief verhltnismssig weniges absichtlich verschwiegen, jetzt und spter werde ich aber einiges verschweigen mssen, was (vor Dir und mir) einzugestehen, mir noch zu schwer ist. Ich sage das deshalb, damit Du, wenn das Gesamtbild hie und da etwas undeutlich werden sollte, nicht glaubst, dass Mangel an Beweisen daran schuld ist, es sind vielmehr Beweise da, die das Bild unertrglich krass machen knnten. Es ist nicht leicht darin eine Mitte zu finden.] Hier gengt es brigens an frheres zu erinnern: Ich hatte vor Dir das Selbstvertrauen verloren, dafr ein grenzenloses Schuldbewustsein eingetauscht. (In Erinnerung an diese Grenzenlosigkeit schrieb ich von jemandem einmal richtig: Er frchtet, die Scham werde ihn noch berleben) Ich konnte mich nicht pltzlich verwandeln, wenn ich mit anderen Menschen zusammenkam, ich kam vielmehr ihnen gegenber noch in tieferes Schuldbewusstsein, denn ich musste ja, wie ich schon sagte, das an ihnen gutmachen, was Du unter meiner Mitverantwortung im Geschft an ihnen verschuldet hattest. Ausserdem hattest Du ja gegen jeden, mit dem ich verkehrte, offen oder im geheimen etwas einzuwenden, auch das musste ich ihm abbitten. Das Misstrauen, das Du mir in Geschft und Familie gegen die meisten Menschen beizubringen suchtest (nenne mir einen in der Kinderzeit irgendwie fr mich bedeutenden Menschen, den Du nicht wenigstens einmal bis in den Grund hinunterkritisiert httest) und das Dich merkwrdigerweise gar nicht besonders beschwerte (Du warst eben stark genug es zu ertragen, ausserdem war es in Wirklichkeit vielleicht nur ein Emblem des Herrschers) - dieses Misstrauen, das sich mir Kleinem fr die eigenen Augen nirgends besttigte, da ich berall nur unerreichbar ausgezeichnete Menschen sah, wurde in mir zu Misstrauen gegen mich selbst und zur fortwhrenden Angst vor allem andern. Dort konnte ich mich also im allgemeinen vor Dir gewiss nicht retten. Dass Du Dich darber tuschtest, lag vielleicht daran, dass Du ja von meinem Menschenverkehr eigentlich gar nichts erfuhrst, und misstrauisch und eiferschtig (leugne ich denn, dass Du mich lieb hast?) annahmst, dass ich mich fr den Entgang an Familienleben anderswo entschdigen msse, da es doch unmglich wre, dass ich draussen ebenso lebe. brigens hatte ich in dieser Hinsicht gerade in meiner Kinderzeit noch einen gewissen Trost eben im Misstrauen zu meinem Urteil; ich sagte mir: Du bertreibst doch, fhlst, wie das die Jugend immer tut, Kleinigkeiten zu sehr als grosse Ausnahmen. Diesen Trost habe ich aber spter bei steigender Weltbersicht fast verloren. Ebenso wenig Rettung vor Dir fand ich im Judentum. Hier wre ja an sich Rettung denkbar gewesen, oder noch mehr, es wre denkbar gewesen, dass wir uns beide im Judentum gefunden htten oder dass wir gar von dort einig ausgegangen wren. Aber was war das fr Judentum, das ich von Dir bekam! Ich habe im Laufe der Jahre etwa auf dreierlei Art mich dazu gestellt. Als Kind machte ich mir, in bereinstimmung mit Dir, Vorwrfe deshalb, weil ich nicht gengend in den Tempel ging, nicht fastete u. s. w. Ich glaubte nicht mir, sondern Dir ein Unrecht damit zu tun und Schuldbewusstsein, das ja immer bereit war, durchlief mich. Spter, als junger Mensch, verstand ich nicht, wie Du mit dem Nichts von Judentum, ber das Du verfgtest, mir Vorwrfe deshalb machen konntest, dass ich (schon aus Piett, wie Du Dich ausdrcktest) nicht ein hnliches Nichts auszufhren mich anstrenge. Es war ja wirklich, soweit ich sehen konnte, ein Nichts, ein Spass, nicht einmal ein Spass. Du gingst an 4 Tagen im Jahr in den Tempel, warst dort den Gleichgltigen zumindest nher als jenen, die es ernst nahmen, erledigtest geduldig die Gebete als Formalitt, setztest mich manchmal dadurch in Erstaunen, dass Du mir im Gebetbuch die Stelle aufmischen konntest, die gerade rezitiert wurde, im brigen durfte ich, wenn ich nur (das war die Hauptsache) im Tempel war, mich herumdrcken, wo ich wollte. Ich durchghnte und durchduselte also dort die vielen Stunden (so gelangweilt habe ich mich spter, glaube ich, nur noch in der Tanzstunde) und suchte mich mglichst an den paar kleinen Abwechslungen zu freuen, die es dort gab, etwa wenn die Bundeslade aufgemacht wurde, was mich immer an die Schiessbuden erinnerte, wo auch, wenn man in ein Schwarzes traf, eine Kastentre sich aufmachte, nur dass dort aber immer etwas Interessantes herauskam und hier nur immer wieder die alten Puppen ohne Kpfe. brigens habe ich dort auch viel Furcht gehabt, nicht nur wie selbstverstndlich vor den vielen Leuten, mit denen man in nhere Berhrung kam, sondern auch deshalb, weil Du einmal nebenbei erwhntest, dass auch ich zur Thora aufgerufen werden knne. Davor zitterte ich jahrelang. Sonst aber wurde ich in meiner Langweile nicht wesentlich gestrt, hchstens durch die Barmizwe, die aber nur lcherliches Auswendiglernen verlangte, also nur zu einer lcherlichen Prfungsleistung fhrte, und dann, was Dich betrifft, durch kleine, wenig bedeutende Vorflle, etwa wenn Du zur Thora gerufen wurdest und dieses fr mein Gefhl ausschliesslich gesellschaftliche Ereignis gut berstandest oder wenn Du bei der Seelengedchtnisfeier im Tempel bliebst und ich weggeschickt wurde, was mir durch lange Zeit, offenbar wegen des Weggeschicktwerdens und mangels jeder tieferen Teilnahme, lange das kaum bewusst werdende Gefhl hervorrief, dass es sich hier um etwas Unanstndiges handle. - So war es im Tempel, zuhause war es womglich noch rmlicher und beschrnkte sich auf den ersten Sederabend, der immer mehr zu einer Komdie mit Lachkrmpfen wurde, allerdings unter dem Einfluss der grsser werdenden Kinder. (Warum musstest Du Dich diesem Einfluss fgen? Weil Du ihn hervorgerufen hast.) Das war also das Glaubensmaterial, das mir berliefert wurde, dazu kam hchstens noch die ausgestreckte Hand, die auf die Shne des Millionrs Fuchs hinwies, die an hohen Feiertagen mit ihrem Vater im Tempel waren. Wie man mit diesem Material etwas besseres tun knnte, als es mglichst schnell loszuwerden, verstand ich nicht; gerade dieses Loswerden schien mir die piettvollste Handlung zu sein. Noch spter sah ich es aber doch wieder anders an und begriff, warum Du glauben durftest, dass ich Dich auch in dieser Hinsicht bswillig verrate. Du hattest aus der kleinen ghettoartigen Dorfgemeinde wirklich noch etwas Judentum mitgebracht, es war nicht viel und verlor sich noch ein wenig in der Stadt und beim Militr, immerhin reichten noch die Eindrcke und Erinnerungen der Jugend knapp zu einer Art jdischen Lebens aus, besonders da Du ja nicht viel derartige Hilfe brauchtest, sondern von einem sehr krftigen Stamm warst und fr Deine Person von religisen Bedenken, wenn sie nicht mit gesellschaftlichen Bedenken sich sehr mischten, kaum erschttert werden konntest. Im Grund bestand der Dein Leben fhrende Glaube darin, dass Du an die unbedingte Richtigkeit der Meinungen einer bestimmten jdischen Gesellschaftsklasse glaubtest und eigentlich also, da diese Meinungen zu Deinem Wesen gehrten, Dir selbst glaubtest. Auch darin lag noch genug Judentum, aber zum Weiter-berliefert-werden war es gegenber dem Kind zu wenig, es vertropfte zur Gnze whrend Du es weitergabst. Zum Teil waren es unberlieferbare Jugendeindrcke, zum Teil Dein gefrchtetes Wesen. Es war auch unmglich, einem vor lauter ngstlichkeit berscharf beobachtenden Kind begreiflich zu machen, dass die paar Nichtigkeiten, die Du im Namen des Judentums mit einer ihrer Nichtigkeit entsprechenden Gleichgltigkeit ausfhrtest, einen hheren Sinn haben konnten. Fr Dich hatten sie Sinn als kleine Andenken aus frheren Zeiten und deshalb wolltest Du sie mir vermitteln, konntest dies aber, da sie ja auch fr Dich keinen Selbstwert mehr hatten, nur durch berredung oder Drohung tun; das konnte einerseits nicht gelingen und musste andererseits Dich, da Du Deine schwache Position hier gar nicht erkanntest, sehr zornig gegen mich wegen meiner scheinbaren Verstocktheit machen. Das Ganze ist ja keine vereinzelte Erscheinung, hnlich verhielt es sich bei einem grossen Teil dieser jdischen bergangsgeneration, welche vom verhltnismssig noch frommen Land in die Stdte auswanderte; das ergab sich von selbst, nur fgte es eben unserem Verhltnis, das ja an Schrfen keinen Mangel hatte, noch eine genug schmerzliche hinzu. Dagegen sollst Du zwar auch in diesem Punkt, ebenso wie ich, an Deine Schuldlosigkeit glauben, diese Schuldlosigkeit aber durch Dein Wesen und durch die Zeitverhltnisse erklren, nicht aber bloss durch die usseren Umstnde, also nicht etwa sagen, Du httest zu viel andere Arbeit und Sorgen gehabt, als dass Du Dich auch noch mit solchen Dingen httest abgeben knnen. Auf diese Weise pflegst Du aus Deiner zweifellosen Schuldlosigkeit einen ungerechten Vorwurf gegen andere zu drehn. Das ist dann berall und auch hier sehr leicht zu widerlegen. Es htte sich doch nicht etwa um irgendeinen Unterricht gehandelt, den Du Deinen Kindern httest geben sollen, sondern um ein beispielhaftes Leben; wre Dein Judentum strker gewesen, wre auch Dein Judentum Beispiel zwingender gewesen, das ist ja selbstverstndlich und wieder gar kein Vorwurf, sondern nur eine Abwehr Deiner Vorwrfe. Du hast letzthin Franklins Jugenderinnerungen gelesen. Ich habe sie Dir wirklich absichtlich zum Lesen gegeben, aber nicht, wie Du ironisch bemerktest, wegen einer kleinen Stelle ber Vegetarianismus, sondern wegen des Verhltnisses zwischen dem Verfasser und seinem Vater, wie es dort beschrieben ist, und des Verhltnisses zwischen dem Verfasser und seinem Sohn, wie es sich von selbst in diesen fr den Sohn geschriebenen Erinnerungen ausdrckt. Ich will hier nicht Einzelnheiten hervorheben. Eine gewisse nachtrgliche Besttigung dieser Auffassung von Deinem Judentum bekam ich auch durch Dein Verhalten in den letzten Jahren, als es Dir schien, dass ich mich mit jdischen Dingen mehr beschftige. Da Du von vornherein gegen jede meiner Beschftigungen und besonders gegen die Art meiner Interessennahme eine Abneigung hast, so hattest Du sie auch hier. Aber darber hinaus htte man doch erwarten knnen, dass Du hier eine kleine Ausnahme machst. Es war doch Judentum von Deinem Judentum, das sich hier regte, und damit also auch die Mglichkeit der Anknpfung neuer Beziehungen zwischen uns. Ich leugne nicht, dass mir diese Dinge, wenn Du fr sie Interesse gezeigt httest, gerade dadurch htten verdchtig werden knnen. Es fllt mir ja nicht ein, behaupten zu wollen, dass ich in dieser Hinsicht irgendwie besser bin als Du. Aber zu der Probe darauf kam es gar nicht. Durch meine Vermittlung wurde Dir das Judentum abscheulich, jdische Schriften unlesbar, sie ekelten Dich an. Das konnte bedeuten, dass Du darauf bestandest, nur gerade das Judentum, wie Du es mir in meiner Kinderzeit gezeigt hattest, sei das einzig Richtige, darber hinaus gebe es nichts. Aber dass Du darauf bestehen solltest, war doch kaum denkbar. Dann aber konnte der Ekel (abgesehen davon, dass er sich zunchst nicht gegen das Judentum, sondern gegen meine Person richtete) nur bedeuten, dass Du unbewusst die Schwche Deines Judentums und meiner jdischen Erziehung anerkanntest, auf keine Weise daran erinnert werden wolltest und auf alle Erinnerungen mit offenem Hasse antwortetest. brigens war Deine negative Hochschtzung meines neuen Judentums sehr bertrieben; erstens trug es ja Deinen Fluch in sich und zweitens war fr seine Entwicklung das grundstzliche Verhltnis zu den Mitmenschen entscheidend, in meinem Fall also ttlich. Richtiger trafst Du mit Deiner Abneigung mein Schreiben und was, Dir unbekannt, damit zusammenhing. Hier war ich tatschlich ein Stck selbstndig von Dir weggekommen, wenn es auch ein wenig an den Wurm erinnerte, der, hinten von einem Fuss niedergetreten, sich mit dem Vorderteil losreisst und zur Seite schleppt. Einigermassen in Sicherheit war ich, es gab ein Aufatmen; die Abneigung, die Du natrlich gleich auch gegen mein Schreiben hattest, war mir hier ausnahmsweise willkommen. Meine Eitelkeit, mein Ehrgeiz litten zwar unter Deiner fr uns berhmt gewordenen Begrssung meiner Bcher: Legs auf den Nachttisch! (meistens spieltest Du ja Karten, wenn ein Buch kam), aber im Grunde war mir dabei doch wohl, nicht nur aus aufbegehrender Bosheit, nicht nur aus Freude ber eine neue Besttigung meiner Auffassung unseres Verhltnisses, sondern ganz ursprnglich, weil jene Formel mir klang wie etwa: Jetzt bist Du frei! Natrlich war es eine Tuschung, ich war nicht oder allergnstigsten Falles noch nicht frei. Mein Schreiben handelte von Dir, ich klagte dort ja nur, was ich an Deiner Brust nicht klagen konnte. Es war ein absichtlich in die Lnge gezogener Abschied von Dir, nur dass er zwar von Dir erzwungen war, aber in der von mir bestimmten Richtung verlief. Aber wie wenig war das alles! Es ist ja berhaupt nur deshalb der Rede wert, weil es sich in meinem Leben ereignet hat, anderswo wre es gar nicht zu merken, und dann noch deshalb, weil es mir in der Kindheit als Ahnung, spter als Hoffnung, noch spter oft als Verzweiflung mein Leben beherrschte und mir - wenn man will, doch wieder in Deiner Gestalt - meine paar kleinen Entscheidungen diktierte. Zum Beispiel die Berufswahl. Gewiss, Du gabst mir hier vllige Freiheit in Deiner grosszgigen und in diesem Sinn sogar geduldigen Art. Allerdings folgtest Du hiebei auch der fr Dich massgebenden allgemeinen Shnebehandlung des jdischen Mittelstandes oder zumindest den Werturteilen dieses Standes. Schliesslich wirkte hiebei auch eines Deiner Missverstndnisse hinsichtlich meiner Person mit. Du hltst mich nmlich seit jeher aus Vaterstolz, aus Unkenntnis meines eigentlichen Daseins, aus Rckschlssen aus meiner Schwchlichkeit fr besonders fleissig. Als Kind habe ich Deiner Meinung nach immerfort gelernt und spter immerfort geschrieben. Das stimmt nun nicht im entferntesten. Eher kann man mit viel weniger bertreibung sagen, dass ich wenig gelernt und nichts erlernt habe; dass etwas in den vielen Jahren bei einem mittleren Gedchtnis, bei nicht allerschlechtester Auffassungskraft hngen geblieben ist, ist ja nicht sehr merkwrdig, aber jedenfalls ist das Gesamtergebnis an Wissen und besonders an Fundierung des Wissens usserst klglich im Vergleich zu dem Aufwand an Zeit und Geld inmitten eines usserlich sorglosen, ruhigen Lebens, besonders auch im Vergleich zu fast allen Leuten, die ich kenne. Es ist klglich, aber fr mich verstndlich. Ich hatte, seit dem ich denken kann, solche tiefste Sorgen der geistigen Existenzbehauptung, dass mir alles andere gleichgltig war. Jdische Gymnasiasten bei uns sind leicht merkwrdig, man findet da das Unwahrscheinlichste, aber meine kalte, kaum verhllte, unzerstrbare, kindlich hilflose, bis ins Lcherliche gehende, tierisch selbstzufriedene Gleichgltigkeit eines fr sich genug aber kalt phantastischen Kindes habe ich sonst nirgends wieder gefunden, allerdings war sie hier auch der einzige Schutz gegen die Nervenzerstrung durch Angst und Schuldbewusstsein. Mich beschftigte nur die Sorge um mich, diese aber in verschiedenster Weise. Etwa als Sorge um meine Gesundheit; es fieng leicht an, hier und dort ergab sich eine kleine Befrchtung wegen der Verdauung, des Haarausfalls, einer Rckgratsverkrmmung u.s.w., das steigerte sich in unzhlbaren Abstufungen, schliesslich endete es mit einer wirklichen Krankheit. Was war das alles? Nicht eigentlich krperliche Krankheit. Aber da ich keines Dinges sicher war, von jedem Augenblick eine neue Besttigung meines Daseins brauchte, nichts in meinem eigentlichen, unzweifelhaften, alleinigen, nur durch mich eindeutig bestimmten Besitz war, in Wahrheit ein enterbter Sohn, wurde mir natrlich auch das Nchste, der eigene Krper unsicher; ich wuchs lang in die Hhe, wusste damit aber nichts anzufangen, die Last war zu schwer, der Rcken wurde krumm; ich wagte mich kaum zu bewegen oder gar zu turnen, ich blieb schwach; staunte alles, worber ich noch verfgte als Wunder an, etwa meine gute Verdauung; das gengte um sie zu verlieren und damit war der Weg zu aller Hypochondrie frei, bis dann unter der bermenschlichen Anstrengung des Heiraten-Wollens (darber spreche ich noch) das Blut aus der Lunge kam, woran ja die Wohnung im Schnbornpalais - die ich aber nur deshalb brauchte, weil ich sie fr mein Schreiben zu brauchen glaubte, so dass auch das auf dieses Blatt gehrt - genug Anteil gehabt haben kann. Also das alles stammte nicht von bergrosser Arbeit, wie Du Dir es immer vorstellst. Es gab Jahre, in denen ich bei voller Gesundheit mehr Zeit auf dem Kanapee verfaulenzt habe, als Du in Deinem ganzen Leben, alle Krankheiten eingerechnet. Wenn ich hchstbeschftigt von Dir fortlief, war es meist, um mich in meinem Zimmer hinzulegen. Meine Gesamtarbeitsleistung sowohl im Bro (wo allerdings Faulheit nicht sehr auffllt und berdies durch meine ngstlichkeit in Grenzen gehalten war) als auch zuhause ist winzig, httest Du darber einen berblick, wrde es Dich entsetzen. Wahrscheinlich bin ich in meiner Anlage gar nicht faul, aber es gab fr mich nichts zu tun. Dort, wo ich lebte, war ich verworfen, abgeurteilt, niedergekmpft, und anderswohin mich zu flchten strengte mich zwar usserst an, aber das war keine Arbeit, denn es handelte sich um Unmgliches, das fr meine Krfte bis auf kleine Ausnahmen unerreichbar war. In diesem Zustand bekam ich also die Freiheit der Berufswahl. War ich aber berhaupt noch fhig eine solche Freiheit eigentlich zu gebrauchen? Traute ich mir es denn noch zu, einen wirklichen Beruf erreichen zu knnen? Meine Selbstbewertung war von Dir viel abhngiger als von irgendetwas sonst, etwa von einem usseren Erfolg. Der war die Strkung eines Augenblicks, sonst nichts, aber auf der andern Seite zog Dein Gewicht immer viel strker hinunter. Niemals wrde ich durch die erste Volksschulklasse kommen, dachte ich, aber es gelang, ich bekam sogar eine Prmie; aber die Aufnahmeprfung ins Gymnasium wrde ich gewiss nicht bestehn, aber es gelang; aber nun falle ich in der ersten Gymnasialklasse bestimmt durch, nein, ich fiel nicht durch und es gelang immer weiter und weiter. Daraus ergab sich aber keine Zuversicht, im Gegenteil, immer war ich berzeugt - und in Deiner abweisenden Miene hatte ich frmlich den Beweis dafr - dass, je mehr mir gelingt, desto schlimmer es schliesslich wird ausgehn mssen. Oft sah ich im Geist die schreckliche Versammlung der Professoren (das Gymnasium ist nur das einheitlichste Beispiel, berall um mich war es aber hnlich) wie sie, wenn ich die Prima berstanden hatte, also in der Sekunda, wenn ich diese berstanden hatte, also in der Tertia u. s. w. zusammenkommen wrden, um diesen einzigartigen himmelschreienden Fall zu untersuchen, wie es mir, dem Unfhigsten und jedenfalls Unwissendsten gelungen war, mich bis hinauf in diese Klasse zu schleichen, die mich, da nun die allgemeine Aufmerksamkeit auf mich gelenkt war, natrlich sofort ausspeien wrde, zum Jubel aller von diesem Albdruck befreiten Gerechten. Mit solchen Vorstellungen zu leben ist fr ein Kind nicht leicht. Was kmmerte mich unter diesen Umstnden der Unterricht? Wer war imstande aus mir einen Funken von Anteilnahme herauszuschlagen? Mich interessierte der Unterricht und nicht nur der Unterricht sondern alles ringsherum in diesem entscheidenden Alter etwa so, wie einen Bankdefraudanten, der noch in Stellung ist und vor der Entdeckung zittert, das kleine laufende Bankgeschft interessiert, das er noch immer als Beamter zu erledigen hat. So klein, so fern war alles neben der Hauptsache. Es gieng dann weiter bis zur Matura durch die ich wirklich schon zum Teil nur durch Schwindel kam, und dann stockte es, jetzt war ich frei. Hatte ich schon trotzdem Zwang des Gymnasiums mich nur auf mich konzentriert, wie erst jetzt, da ich frei war. Also eigentliche Freiheit der Berufswahl gab es fr mich nicht, ich wusste: alles wird mir gegenber der Hauptsache genau so gleichgltig sein, wie alle Lehrgegenstnde im Gymnasium, es handelt sich also darum einen Beruf zu finden, der mir, ohne meine Eitelkeit allzusehr zu verletzen, diese Gleichgltigkeit am ehesten erlaubt. Also war Jus das Selbstverstndliche. Kleine gegenteilige Versuche der Eitelkeit, der unsinnigen Hoffnung, wie 14tgiges Chemiestudium, halbjhriges Deutschstudium verstrkten nur jene Grundberzeugung. Ich studierte also Jus. Das bedeutete dass ich mich in den paar Monaten vor den Prfungen unter reichlicher Mitnahme der Nerven geistig frmlich von Holzmehl nhrte, das mir berdies schon von tausenden Mulern vorgekaut war. Aber in gewissem Sinn schmeckte mir das gerade, wie in gewissem Sinn frher auch das Gymnasium und spter der Beamtenberuf, denn das alles entsprach vollkommen meiner Lage. Jedenfalls zeigte ich hier erstaunliche Voraussicht, schon als kleines Kind hatte ich hinsichtlich der Studien und des Berufes genug klare Vorahnungen. Von hier aus erwartete ich keine Rettung, hier hatte ich schon lngst verzichtet. Gar keine Voraussicht fast zeigte ich aber hinsichtlich der Bedeutung und Mglichkeit einer Ehe fr mich; dieser bisher grsste Schrecken meines Lebens ist fast vollstndig unerwartet ber mich gekommen. Das Kind hatte sich so langsam entwickelt, diese Dinge lagen ihm usserlich gar zu abseits, hie und da ergab sich die Notwendigkeit daran zu denken; dass sich hier aber eine dauernde, entscheidende und sogar die erbitterteste Prfung vorbereite, war nicht zu erkennen. In Wirklichkeit aber wurden die Heiratsversuche der grossartigste und hoffnungsreichste Versuch Dir zu entgehn, entsprechend grossartig war dann allerdings auch das Misslingen. Ich frchte, weil mir in dieser Gegend alles misslingt, dass es mir auch nicht gelingen wird, Dir diese Heiratsversuche verstndlich zu machen. Und doch hngt das Gelingen des ganzen Briefes davon ab, denn in diesen Versuchen war einerseits alles versammelt, was ich an positiven Krften zur Verfgung hatte, andererseits sammelten sich hier auch geradezu mit Wut alle negativen Krfte, die ich als Mitergebnis Deiner Erziehung beschrieben habe, also die Schwche, der Mangel an Selbstvertrauen, das Schuldbewusstsein und zogen frmlich einen Kordon zwischen mir und der Heirat. Die Erklrung wird mir auch deshalb schwer werden, weil ich hier alles in sovielen Tagen und Nchten immer wieder durchdacht und durchgraben habe, dass selbst mich jetzt der Anblick schon verwirrt. Erleichtert wird mir die Erklrung nur durch Dein meiner Meinung nach vollstndiges Missverstehn der Sache; ein so vollstndiges Missverstehn ein wenig zu verbessern, scheint nicht bermssig schwer. Zunchst stellst du das Misslingen der Heiraten in die Reihe meiner sonstigen Misserfolge; dagegen htte ich an sich nichts, vorausgesetzt, dass Du meine bisherige Erklrung des Misserfolgs annimmst. Es steht tatschlich in dieser Reihe, nur die Bedeutung der Sache unterschtzt Du und unterschtzt sie derartig, dass wir, wenn wir miteinander davon reden, eigentlich von ganz verschiedenem sprechen. Ich wage zu sagen, da Dir in Deinem ganzen Leben nichts geschehen ist, was fr Dich eine solche Bedeutung gehabt htte, wie fr mich die Heiratsversuche. Damit meine ich nicht, dass Du an sich nichts so Bedeutendes erlebt httest, im Gegenteil, Dein Leben war viel reicher und sorgenvoller und gedrngter als meines, aber eben deshalb ist Dir nichts derartiges geschehn. Es ist so wie wenn einer fnf niedrige Treppenstufen hinaufzusteigen hat und ein zweiter nur eine Treppenstufe, die aber so hoch ist, wie jene fnf zusammen; der Erste wird nicht nur die fnf bewltigen, sondern noch hunderte und tausende weitere, er wird ein grosses und sehr anstrengendes Leben gefhrt haben, aber keine der Stufen, die er erstiegen hat, wird fr ihn eine solche Bedeutung gehabt haben, wie fr den Zweiten jene eine, erste, hohe, fr alle seine Krfte unmglich zu ersteigende Stufe, zu der er nicht hinauf und ber die er natrlich auch nicht hinauskommt. Heiraten, eine Familie grnden, alle Kinder, welche kommen wollen, hinnehmen, in dieser unsicheren Welt erhalten und gar noch ein wenig fhren ist meiner berzeugung nach das usserste, das einem Menschen berhaupt gelingen kann. Dass es scheinbar so vielen leicht gelingt, ist kein Gegenbeweis, denn erstens gelingt es tatschlich nicht vielen und zweitens tun es diese Nicht vielen meistens nicht, sondern es geschieht bloss mit ihnen; das ist zwar nicht jenes usserste, aber doch noch sehr gross und sehr ehrenvoll (besonders da sich tun und geschehn nicht rein von einander scheiden lassen). Und schliesslich handelt es sich auch gar nicht um dieses usserste, sondern nur um irgendeine ferne, aber anstndige Annherung; es ist doch nicht notwendig mitten in die Sonne hineinzufliegen, aber doch bis zu einem reinen Pltzchen auf der Erde hinzukriechen, wo manchmal die Sonne hinscheint und man sich ein wenig wrmen kann. Wie war ich nun auf dieses vorbereitet? Mglichst schlecht. Das geht schon aus dem bisherigen hervor. Soweit es aber dafr eine direkte Vorbereitung des Einzelnen und eine direkte Schaffung der allgemeinen Grundbedingungen gibt, hast Du usserlich nicht viel eingegriffen. Es ist auch nicht anders mglich, hier entscheiden die allgemeinen geschlechtlichen Standes-, Volks- und Zeitsitten. Immerhin hast Du auch da eingegriffen, nicht viel, denn die Voraussetzung solchen Eingreifens kann nur starkes gegenseitiges Vertrauen sein und daran fehlte es uns beiden schon lngst zur entscheidenden Zeit, und nicht sehr glcklich, weil ja unsere Bedrfnisse ganz verschieden waren; was mich packt, muss Dich noch kaum berhren und umgekehrt, was bei Dir Unschuld ist, kann bei mir Schuld sein und umgekehrt, was bei Dir folgenlos bleibt, kann mein Sargdeckel sein. Ich erinnere mich, ich ging einmal abend mit Dir und der Mutter spazieren, es war auf dem Josefsplatz in der Nhe der heutigen Lnderbank und fing dumm grosstuerisch, berlegen, stolz, khl (das war unwahr), kalt (das war echt) und stotternd wie ich eben meistens mit Dir sprach, von den interessanten Sachen zu reden an, machte Euch Vorwrfe, dass ich unbelehrt gelassen worden bin, dass sich erst die Mitschler meiner hatten annehmen mssen, dass ich in der Nhe grosser Gefahren gewesen bin (hier log ich meiner Art nach unverschmt, um mich mutig zu zeigen, denn infolge meiner ngstlichkeit hatte ich bis auf die gewhnlichen Bettsnden der Stadtkinder keine genauere Vorstellung von den grossen Gefahren) deutete aber zum Schluss an, dass ich jetzt schon glcklicher Weise alles wisse, keinen Rat mehr brauche und alles in Ordnung sei. Hauptschlich hatte ich davon jedenfalls zu reden angefangen, weil es mir Lust machte, davon wenigstens zu reden, dann auch aus Neugierde und schliesslich auch, um mich irgendwie fr irgendetwas an Euch zu rchen. Du nahmst es entsprechend Deinem Wesen sehr einfach, Du sagtest nur etwa, Du knntest mir einen Rat geben, wie ich ohne Gefahr diese Dinge werde betreiben knnen. Vielleicht hatte ich gerade eine solche Antwort hervorlocken wollen, sie entsprach ja der Lsternheit des mit Fleisch und allen guten Dingen berftterten, krperlich unttigen, mit sich ewig beschftigten Kindes, aber doch war meine usserliche Scham dadurch so verletzt oder ich glaubte, sie msse so verletzt sein, dass ich gegen meinen Willen nicht mehr mit Dir darber sprechen konnte und hochmtig frech das Gesprch abbrach. Es ist nicht leicht Deine damalige Antwort zu beurteilen, einerseits hat sie doch etwas niederwerfend offenes, gewissermassen urzeitliches, andererseits ist sie allerdings, was die Lehre selbst betrifft, sehr neuzeitlich bedenkenlos. Ich weiss nicht, wie alt ich damals war, viel lter als 16 Jahre gewiss nicht. Fr einen solchen Jungen war es aber doch eine sehr merkwrdige Antwort und der Abstand zwischen uns beiden zeigt sich auch darin, dass das eigentlich die erste direkte, Leben-umfassende Lehre war, die ich von Dir bekam. Ihr eigentlicher Sinn aber, der sich schon damals in mich einsenkte, mir aber erst viel spter halb zu Bewusstsein kam, war folgender: Das, wozu Du mir rietest, war doch das Deiner Meinung und gar erst meiner damaligen Meinung nach schmutzigste, was es gab. Dass Du dafr sorgen wolltest, dass ich krperlich von dem Schmutz nichts nachhause bringe, war nebenschlich, dadurch schtztest Du ja nur Dich, Dein Haus. Die Hauptsache war vielmehr, dass Du ausserhalb Deines Rates bliebst, ein Ehemann, ein reiner Mann, erhaben ber diese Dinge; das verschrfte sich damals fr mich wahrscheinlich noch dadurch, dass mir auch die Ehe schamlos vorkam und es mir daher unmglich war, das, was ich allgemeines ber die Ehe gehrt hatte, auf meine Eltern anzuwenden. Dadurch wurdest Du noch reiner, kamst noch hher. Der Gedanke, dass Du etwa vor der Ehe auch Dir einen hnlichen Rat httest geben knnen, war mir vllig undenkbar. So war also fast kein Restchen irdischen Schmutzes an Dir. Und eben Du stiessest mich, so als wre ich dazu bestimmt, mit ein paar offenen Worten in diesen Schmutz hinunter. Bestand die Welt also nur aus mir und Dir, eine Vorstellung, die mir sehr nahe lag, dann endete also mit Dir diese Reinheit der Welt und mit mir begann kraft Deines Rates der Schmutz. An sich war es ja unverstndlich, dass Du mich so verurteiltest, nur alte Schuld und tiefste Verachtung Deinerseits konnte mir das erklren. Und damit war ich also wieder in meinem innersten Wesen angefasst und zwar sehr hart. Hier wird vielleicht auch unser beider Schuldlosigkeit am deutlichsten. A. gibt dem B. einen offenen, seiner Lebensauffassung entsprechenden, nicht sehr schnen, aber doch auch heute in der Stadt durchaus blichen, Gesundheitsschdigungen vielleicht verhindernden Rat. Dieser Rat ist fr B. moralisch nicht sehr strkend, aber warum sollte er sich aus dem Schaden nicht im Laufe der Jahre herausarbeiten knnen, brigens muss er ja dem Rat gar nicht folgen und jedenfalls liegt in dem Rat allein kein Anlass dafr, dass ber B. etwa seine ganze Zukunftswelt zusammenbricht. Und doch geschieht etwas in dieser Art, aber eben nur deshalb weil A. Du bist und B. ich bin. Diese beiderseitige Schuldlosigkeit kann ich auch deshalb besonders gut berblicken, weil sich ein hnlicher Zusammenstoss zwischen uns unter ganz andern Verhltnissen etwa 20 Jahre spter wieder ereignet hat, als Tatsache grauenhaft, an und fr sich allerdings viel unschdlicher, denn wo war da etwas an mir 36 jhrigem, dem noch geschadet werden konnte. Ich meine damit eine kleine Aussprache an einem der paar aufgeregten Tage nach Mitteilung meiner letzten Heiratsabsicht. Du sagtest zu mir etwa: Sie hat wahrscheinlich irgendeine ausgesuchte Bluse angezogen, wie das die Prager Jdinnen verstehn, und daraufhin hast Du Dich natrlich entschlossen sie zu heiraten. Undzwar mglichst rasch, in einer Woche, morgen, heute. Ich begreife Dich nicht, Du bist doch ein erwachsener Mensch, bist in der Stadt, und weisst Dir keinen andern Rat als gleich eine Beliebige zu heiraten. Gibt es da keine anderen Mglichkeiten? Wenn Du Dich davor frchtest, werde ich selbst mit Dir hingehn. Du sprachst ausfhrlicher und deutlicher, aber ich kann mich an die Einzelnheiten nicht mehr erinnern, vielleicht wurde mir auch ein wenig nebelhaft vor den Augen, fast interessierte mich mehr die Mutter, wie sie, zwar vollstndig mit Dir einverstanden, immerhin etwas vom Tisch nahm und damit aus dem Zimmer gieng. Tiefer gedemtigt hast Du mich mit Worten wohl kaum und deutlicher mir Deine Verachtung nie gezeigt. Als Du vor 20 Jahren hnlich zu mir gesprochen hast, htte man darin mit Deinen Augen sogar etwas Respekt fr den frhreifen Stadtjungen sehen knnen, der Deiner Meinung nach schon so ohne Umwege ins Leben eingefhrt werden konnte. Heute knnte diese Rcksicht die Verachtung nur noch steigern, denn der Junge, der damals einen Anlauf nahm, ist in ihm stecken geblieben und scheint Dir heute um keine Erfahrung reicher, sondern nur um 20 Jahre jmmerlicher. Meine Entscheidung fr ein Mdchen bedeutete Dir gar nichts. Du hattest meine Entscheidungskraft (unbewusst) immer niedergehalten und glaubtest jetzt (unbewusst) zu wissen, was sie wert war. Von meinen Rettungsversuchen in anderen Richtungen wusstest Du nichts, daher konntest Du auch von den Gedankengngen, die mich zu diesem Heiratsversuch gefhrt hatten, nichts wissen, musstest sie zu erraten suchen und rietst entsprechend dem Gesamturteil, das Du ber mich hattest, auf das Abscheulichste, Blumpste, Lcherlichste. Und zgertest keinen Augenblick, mir das auf ebensolche Weise zu sagen. Die Schande, die Du damit mir antatest, war Dir nichts im Vergleich zu der Schande, die ich Deiner Meinung nach Deinem Namen durch die Heirat machen wrde. Nun kannst Du ja hinsichtlich meiner Heiratsversuche manches mir antworten und hast es auch getan: Du knntest nicht viel Respekt vor meiner Entscheidung haben, wenn ich die Verlobung mit F. zweimal aufgelst und zweimal wieder auf genommen habe, wenn ich dich und die Mutter nutzlos zu der Verlobung nach Berlin geschleppt habe u.s.w. Das alles ist wahr, aber wie kam es dazu? Der Grundgedanke beider Heiratsversuche war ganz korrekt: einen Hausstand grnden, selbststndig werden. Ein Gedanke, der Dir ja sympathisch ist, nur dass es dann in Wirklichkeit so ausfllt, wie das Kinderspiel, wo einer die Hand des anderen hlt und sogar presst und dabei ruft: Ach geh doch, geh doch, warum gehst Du nicht? Was sich allerdings in unserem Fall dadurch kompliziert, dass Du das geh doch! seit jeher ehrlich gemeint hast, da Du ebenso seit jeher, ohne es zu wissen, nur kraft Deines Wesens mich gehalten oder richtiger niedergehalten hast. Beide Mdchen waren zwar durch den Zufall, aber ausserordentlich gut gewhlt. Wieder ein Zeichen Deines vollstndigen Missverstehns, dass Du glauben kannst, ich der ngstliche, Zgernde, Verdchtigende entschliesse mich mit einem Ruck fr eine Heirat, etwa aus Entzcken ber eine Bluse. Beide Ehen wren vielmehr Vernunftehen geworden, soweit damit gesagt ist, dass Tag und Nacht, das erste Mal Jahre, das zweite Mal Monate, alle meine Denkkraft an den Plan gewendet worden ist. Keines der Mdchen hat mich enttuscht, nur ich sie beide. Mein Urteil ber sie ist heute genau das gleiche, wie damals als ich sie heiraten wollte. Es ist auch nicht so, dass ich beim zweiten Heiratsversuch die Erfahrungen des ersten missachtet htte, also leichtsinnig gewesen wre. Die Flle waren eben ganz verschieden, gerade die frheren Erfahrungen konnten mir im zweiten Fall, der berhaupt viel aussichtsreicher war, Hoffnung geben. Von Einzelnheiten will ich hier nicht reden. Warum also habe ich nicht geheiratet? Es gab einzelne Hindernisse wie berall, aber im Nehmen solcher Hindernisse besteht ja das Leben. Das wesentliche, vom einzelnen Fall leider unabhngige Hindernis war aber, dass ich offenbar geistig unfhig bin zu heiraten. Das ussert sich darin, dass ich von dem Augenblick an, wo ich mich entschliesse zu heiraten nicht mehr schlafen kann, der Kopf glht bei Tag und Nacht, es ist kein Leben mehr, ich schwanke verzweifelt herum. Es sind das nicht eigentlich Sorgen, die das verursachen, zwar laufen auch entsprechend meiner Schwerbltigkeit und Pedanterie unzhlige Sorgen mit, aber sie sind nicht das entscheidende, sie vollenden zwar wie Wrmer die Arbeit am Leichnam, aber entscheidend getroffen bin ich von anderem. Es ist der allgemeine Druck der Angst, der Schwche, der Selbstmissachtung. Ich will es nher zu erklren versuchen: Hier beim Heiratsversuch trifft in meinen Beziehungen zu Dir zweierlei scheinbar Entgegengesetztes so stark wie nirgends sonst zusammen. Die Heirat ist gewiss die Brgschaft fr die schrfste Selbstbefreiung und Unabhngigkeit. Ich htte eine Familie, das Hchste, was man meiner Meinung nach erreichen kann, also auch das Hchste, was Du erreicht hast, ich wre Dir ebenbrtig, alle alte und ewig neue Schande und Tyrannei wre bloss noch Geschichte. Das wre allerdings mrchenhaft, aber darin liegt eben schon das Fragwrdige. Es ist zu viel, so viel kann nicht erreicht werden. Es ist so, wie wenn einer gefangen wre und er htte nicht nur die Absicht zu fliehen, was vielleicht erreichbar wre, sondern auch noch undzwar gleichzeitig die Absicht, das Gefngnis in ein Lustschloss fr sich umzubauen. Wenn er aber flieht, kann er nicht umbauen und wenn er umbaut kann er nicht fliehn. Wenn ich in dem besonderen Unglcksverhltnis, in welchem ich zu Dir stehe, selbstndig werden will, muss ich etwas tun, was mglichst gar keine Beziehung zu Dir hat; das Heiraten ist zwar das Grsste und gibt die ehrenvollste Selbstndigkeit, aber es ist auch gleichzeitig in engster Beziehung zu Dir. Hier hinauskommen zu wollen, hat deshalb etwas von Wahnsinn und jeder Versuch wird fast damit gestraft. Gerade diese enge Beziehung lockt mich ja teilweise auch zum Heiraten. Ich denke mir diese Ebenbrtigkeit, die dann zwischen uns entstehen wrde und die Du verstehen knntest wie keine andere, eben deshalb so schn, weil ich dann ein freier, dankbarer, schuldloser, aufrechter Sohn sein Du ein unbedrckter, untyrannischer, mitfhlender, zufriedener Vater sein knntest. Aber zu dem Zweck msste eben alles Geschehene ungeschehen gemacht, d. h. wir selbst ausgestrichen werden. So wie wir aber sind, ist mir das Heiraten dadurch verschlossen, dass es gerade Dein eigenstes Gebiet ist. Manchmal stelle ich mir die Erdkarte ausgespannt und Dich quer ber sie hin ausgestreckt vor. Und es ist mir dann, als kmen fr mein Leben nur die Gegenden in Betracht, die Du entweder nicht bedeckst oder die nicht in Deiner Reichweite liegen. Und das sind entsprechend der Vorstellung, die ich von Deiner Grsse habe, nicht viele und nicht sehr trostreiche Gegenden und besonders die Ehe ist nicht darunter. Schon dieser Vergleich beweist, dass ich keineswegs sagen will, Du httest mich durch Dein Beispiel aus der Ehe, so etwa wie aus dem Geschft verjagt. Im Gegenteil, trotz aller fernen hnlichkeit. Ich hatte in Euerer Ehe eine in vielem mustergltige Ehe vor mir, mustergltig in Treue, gegenseitiger Hilfe, Kinderzahl, und selbst als dann die Kinder gross wurden und immer mehr den Frieden strten, blieb die Ehe als solche davon unberhrt. Gerade an diesem Beispiel bildete sich vielleicht auch mein hoher Begriff von der Ehe; dass das Verlangen nach der Ehe ohnmchtig war, hatte eben andere Grnde. Sie lagen in Deinem Verhltnis zu den Kindern, von dem ja der ganze Brief handelt. Es gibt eine Meinung, nach der die Angst vor der Ehe manchmal davon herrhrt, dass man frchtet, die Kinder wrden einem spter das heimzahlen, was man selbst an den eigenen Eltern gesndigt hat. Das hat, glaube ich, in meinem Fall keine sehr grosse Bedeutung, denn mein Schuldbewusstsein stammt ja eigentlich von Dir und ist auch zu sehr von seiner Einzigartigkeit durchdrungen, ja dieses Gefhl der Einzigartigkeit gehrt zu seinem qulenden Wesen, eine Wiederholung ist unausdenkbar. Immerhin muss ich sagen, dass mir ein solcher stummer, dumpfer, trockener, verfallener Sohn unertrglich wre, ich wrde wohl, wenn keine andere Mglichkeit wre, vor ihm fliehn, auswandern, wie Du es erst wegen meiner Heirat machen wolltest. Also mitbeeinflusst mag ich bei meiner Heiratsunfhigkeit auch davon sein. Viel wichtiger aber ist dabei die Angst um mich. Das ist so zu verstehn: Ich habe schon angedeutet, dass ich im Schreiben und in dem, was damit zusammenhngt, kleine Selbstndigkeitsversuche, Fluchtversuche mit allerkleinstem Erfolg gemacht habe, sie werden kaum weiterfhren, vieles besttigt mir das. Trotzdem ist es meine Pflicht oder vielmehr es besteht mein Leben darin, ber ihnen zu wachen, keine Gefahr, die ich abwehren kann, ja keine Mglichkeit einer solcher Gefahr an sie herankommen zu lassen. Die Ehe ist die Mglichkeit einer solchen Gefahr, allerdings auch die Mglichkeit der grssten Frderung, mir aber gengt, dass es die Mglichkeit einer Gefahr ist. Was wrde ich dann anfangen, wenn es doch eine Gefahr wre! Wie knnte ich in der Ehe weiterleben in dem vielleicht unbeweisbaren, aber jedenfalls unwiderleglichen Gefhl dieser Gefahr! Demgegenber kann ich zwar schwanken, aber der schlieliche Ausgang ist gewiss, ich muss verzichten. Der Vergleich von dem Sperling in der Hand und der Taube auf dem Dach passt hier nur sehr entfernt. In der Hand habe ich nichts, auf dem Dach ist alles und doch muss ich - so entscheiden es die Kampfverhltnisse und die Lebensnot - das Nichts whlen. hnlich habe ich ja auch bei der Berufswahl whlen mssen. Das wichtigste Ehehindernis aber ist die schon unausrottbare berzeugung, dass zur Familienerhaltung und gar zu ihrer Fhrung alles das notwendig gehrt, was ich an Dir erkannt habe undzwar alles zusammen, Gutes und Schlechtes, so wie es organisch in Dir vereinigt ist, also Strke und Verhhnung des andern, Gesundheit und eine gewisse Masslosigkeit, Redebegabung und Unzulnglichkeit, Selbstvertrauen und Unzufriedenheit mit jedem andern, Weltberlegenheit und Tyrannei, Menschenkenntnis und Misstrauen gegenber den meisten, dann auch Vorzge ohne jeden Nachteil wie Fleiss, Ausdauer, Geistesgegenwart, Unerschrockenheit. Von alledem hatte hatte ich vergleichsweise fast nichts oder nur sehr wenig und damit wollte ich zu heiraten wagen, whrend ich doch sah, dass selbst Du in der Ehe schwer zu kmpfen hattest und gegenber den Kindern sogar versagtest? Diese Frage stellte ich mir natrlich nicht ausdrcklich und beantworte sie nicht ausdrcklich, sonst htte sich ja das gewhnliche Denken der Sache bemchtigt und mir andere Mnner gezeigt, welche anders sind als Du (um in der Nhe einen von Dir sehr verschiedenen zu nennen: Onkel Richard) und doch geheiratet haben und darunter wenigstens nicht zusammengebrochen sind, was schon sehr viel ist und mir reichlich gengt htte. Aber diese Frage stellte ich eben nicht, sondern erlebte sie von Kindheit an. Ich prfte mich ja nicht erst gegenber der Ehe sondern gegenber jeder Kleinigkeit; gegenber jeder Kleinigkeit berzeugtest Du mich durch Dein Beispiel und durch Deine Erziehung, so wie ich es zu beschreiben versucht habe, von meiner Unfhigkeit und was bei jeder Kleinigkeit stimmte und Dir Recht gab, musste natrlich ungeheuerlich stimmen vor dem Grssten, also vor der Ehe. Bis zu den Heiratsversuchen bin ich aufgewachsen etwa wie ein Geschftsmann, der zwar mit Sorgen und schlimmen Ahnungen, aber ohne genaue Buchfhrung in den Tag hineinlebt. Er hat ein paar kleine Gewinne, die er infolge ihrer Seltenheit in seiner Vorstellung immerfort htschelt und bertreibt, und sonst nur tgliche Verluste. Alles wird eingetragen, aber niemals bilanziert. Jetzt kommt der Zwang zur Bilanz d.h. der Heiratsversuch. Und es ist bei den grossen Summen, mit denen hier zu rechnen ist, so, als ob niemals auch nur der kleinste Gewinn gewesen wre, alles eine einzige grosse Schuld. Und jetzt heirate, ohne wahnsinnig zu werden! So endet mein bisheriges Leben mit Dir und solche Aussichten trgt es in sich fr die Zukunft. Du knntest, wenn Du meine Begrndung der Furcht, die ich vor Dir habe, berblickst, antworten: Du behauptest, ich mache es mir leicht, wenn ich mein Verhltnis zu Dir einfach durch Dein Verschulden erklre, ich aber glaube, dass Du trotz usserlicher Anstrengung es Dir zumindest nicht schwerer, aber viel eintrglicher machst. Zuerst lehnst auch Du jede Schuld und Verantwortung von Dir ab, darin ist also unser Verfahren das gleiche. Whrend ich aber dann so offen, wie ich es auch meine, die alleinige Schuld Dir zuschreibe, willst Du gleichzeitig bergescheit und berzrtlich sein und auch mich von jeder Schuld freisprechen. Natrlich gelingt Dir das letztere nur scheinbar (mehr willst Du ja auch nicht) und es ergibt sich zwischen den Zeilen trotz aller Redensarten von Wesen und Natur und Gegensatz und Hilflosigkeit, dass eigentlich ich der Angreifer gewesen bin, whrend alles, was Du getrieben hast, nur Selbstwehr war. Jetzt httest Du also schon durch Deine Unaufrichtigkeit genug erreicht, denn Du hast dreierlei bewiesen, erstens dass Du unschuldig bist, zweitens dass ich schuldig bin und drittens dass Du aus lauter Grossartigkeit bereit bist, nicht nur mir zu verzeihn, sondern, was mehr und weniger ist, auch noch zu beweisen und es selbst glauben zu wollen, dass ich, allerdings entgegen der Wahrheit, auch unschuldig bin. Das knnte Dir jetzt schon gengen, aber es gengt Dir noch nicht. Du hast es Dir nmlich in den Kopf gesetzt, ganz und gar von mir leben zu wollen. Ich gebe zu, dass wir miteinander kmpfen, aber es gibt zweierlei Kampf. Den ritterlichen Kampf, wo sich die Krfte selbststndiger Gegner messen, jeder bleibt fr sich, verliert fr sich, siegt fr sich. Und den Kampf des Ungeziefers, welches nicht nur sticht, sondern gleich auch zu seiner Lebenserhaltung das Blut saugt. Das ist ja der eigentliche Berufssoldat und das bist Du. Lebensuntchtig bist Du; um es Dir aber darin bequem, sorgenlos und ohne Selbstvorwrfe einrichten zu knnen, beweist Du, dass ich alle Deine Lebenstchtigkeit Dir genommen und in meine Taschen gesteckt habe. Was kmmert es Dich jetzt, wenn Du lebensuntchtig bist, ich habe ja die Verantwortung, Du aber streckst Dich ruhig aus und lsst Dich, krperlich und geistig, von mir durchs Leben schleifen. Ein Beispiel: Als Du letzthin heiraten wolltest, wolltest Du, das gibst Du ja in diesem Brief zu, gleichzeitig nicht heiraten, wolltest aber, um Dich nicht anstrengen zu mssen, dass ich Dir zum Nichtheiraten verhelfe, indem ich wegen der Schande, die die Verbindung meinem Namen machen wrde, Dir diese Heirat verbiete. Das fiel mir nun aber gar nicht ein. Erstens wollte ich Dir hier, wie auch sonst nie in Deinem Glck hinderlich sein und zweitens will ich niemals einen derartigen Vorwurf von meinem Kind zu hren bekommen. Hat mir aber die Selbstberwindung, mit der ich Dir die Heirat freistellte, etwas geholfen? Nicht das geringste. Meine Abneigung gegen die Heirat htte sie nicht verhindert, im Gegenteil, es wre an sich noch ein Anreiz mehr fr Dich gewesen, das Mdchen zu heiraten, denn der Fluchtversuch, wie Du Dich ausdrckst, wre ja dadurch vollkommener geworden. Und meine Erlaubnis zur Heirat hat Deine Vorwrfe nicht verhindert, denn Du beweist ja, dass ich auf jeden Fall an Deinem Nichtheiraten schuld bin. Im Grunde aber hast Du hier und in allem anderen fr mich nichts anderes bewiesen, als dass alle meine Vorwrfe berechtigt waren und dass unter ihnen noch ein besonders berechtigter Vorwurf gefehlt hat, nmlich der Vorwurf der Unaufrichtigkeit, der Liebedienerei, des Schmarotzertums. Wenn ich nicht sehr irre, schmarotzest Du an mir auch noch mit diesem Brief als solchem. Darauf antworte ich, dass zunchst dieser ganze Einwurf, der sich zum Teil auch gegen Dich kehren lsst, nicht von Dir stammt, sondern eben von mir. So gross ist ja nicht einmal Dein Misstrauen gegen andere, wie mein Selbstmisstrauen, zu dem Du mich erzogen hast. Eine gewisse Berechtigung des Einwurfes, der ja auch noch an sich zur Charakterisierung unseres Verhltnisses Neues beitrgt, leugne ich nicht. So knnen natrlich die Dinge in Wirklichkeit nicht aneinanderpassen, wie die Beweise in meinem Brief, das Leben ist mehr als ein Geduldspiel; aber mit der Korrektur, die sich durch diesen Einwurf ergibt, einer Korrektur, die ich im Einzelnen weder ausfhren kann noch will, ist meiner Meinung nach doch etwas der Wahrheit so sehr Angenhertes erreicht, dass es uns beide ein wenig beruhigen und Leben und Sterben leichter machen kann. FranzTranslated Transcript Dearest Father, You asked me recently why I maintain that I am afraid of you. As usual, I was unable to think of any answer to your question, partly for the very reason that I am afraid of you, and partly because an explanation of the grounds for this fear would mean going into far more details than I could even approximately keep in mind while talking. And if I now try to give you an answer in writing, it will still be very incomplete, because, even in writing, this fear and its consequences hamper me in relation to you and because the magnitude of the subject goes far beyond the scope of my memory and power of reasoning. To you the matter always seemed very simple, at least in so far as you talked about it in front of me, and indiscriminately in front of many other people. It looked to you more or less as follows: you have worked hard all your life, have sacrificed everything for your children, above all for me, consequently I have lived high and handsome, have been completely at liberty to learn whatever I wanted, and have had no cause for material worries, which means worries of any kind at all. You have not expected any gratitude for this, knowing what "children's gratitude" is like, but have expected at least some sort of obligingness, some sign of sympathy. Instead I have always hidden from you, in my room, among my books, with crazy friends, or with crackpot ideas. I have never talked to you frankly; I have never come to you when you were in the synagogue, never visited you at Franzensbad, nor indeed ever shown any family feeling; I have never taken any interest in the business or your other concerns; I saddled you with the factory and walked off; I encouraged Ottla in her obstinacy, and never lifted a finger for you (never even got you a theater ticket), while I do everything for my friends. If you sum up your judgment of me, the result you get is that, although you don't charge me with anything downright improper or wicked (with the exception perhaps of my latest marriage plan), you do charge me with coldness, estrangements and ingratitude. And, what is more, you charge me with it in such a way as to make it seem my fault, as though I might have been able, with something like a touch on the steering wheel, to make everything quite different, while you aren't in the slightest to blame, unless it be for having been too good to me. This, your usual way of representing it, I regard as accurate only in so far as I too believe you are entirely blameless in the matter of our estrangement. But I am equally entirely blameless. If I could get you to acknowledge this, then what would be possible isnot, I think, a new life, we are both much too old for thatbut still, a kind of peace; no cessation, but still, a diminution of your unceasing reproaches. Oddly enough you have some sort of notion of what I mean. For instance, a short time ago you said to me: "I have always been fond of you, even though outwardly I didn't act toward you as other fathers generally do, and this precisely because I can't pretend as other people can." Now, Father, on the whole I have never doubted your goodness toward me, but this remark I consider wrong. You can't pretend, that is true, but merely for that reason to maintain that other fathers pretend is either mere opinionatedness, and as such beyond discussion, or on the other handand this in my view is what it really isa veiled expression of the fact that something is wrong in our relationship and that you have played your part in causing it to be so, but without its being your fault. If you really mean that, then we are in agreement. I'm not going to say, of course, that I have become what I am only as a result of your influence. That would be very much exaggerated (and I am indeed inclined to this exaggeration). It is indeed quite possible that even if I had grown up entirely free from your influence I still could not have become a person after your own heart. I should probably have still become a weakly, timid, hesitant, restless person, neither Robert Kafka nor Karl Hermann, but yet quite different from what I really am, and we might have got on with each other excellently. I should have been happy to have you as a friend, as a boss, an uncle, a grandfather, even (though rather more hesitantly) as a father-in-law. Only as a father you have been too strong for me, particularly since my brothers died when they were small and my sisters came along only much later, so that I alone had to bear the brunt of itand for that I was much too weak. Compare the two of us: I, to put it in a very much abbreviated form, a Lwy with a certain Kafka component, which, however, is not set in motion by the Kafka will to life, business, and conquest, but by a Lwyish spur that impels more secretly, more diffidently, and in another direction, and which often fails to work entirely. You, on the other hand, a true Kafka in strength, health, appetite, loudness of voice, eloquence, self-satisfaction, worldly dominance, endurance, presence of mind, knowledge of human nature, a certain way of doing things on a grand scale, of course also with all the defects and weaknesses that go with these advantages and into which your temperament and sometimes your hot temper drive you. You are perhaps not wholly a Kafka in your general outlook, in so far as I can compare you with Uncle Philipp, Ludwig, and Heinrich. That is odd, and here I don't see quite clear either. After all, they were all more cheerful, fresher, more informal, more easygoing, less severe than you. (In this, by the way, I have inherited a great deal from you and taken much too good care of my inheritance, without, admittedly, having the necessary counterweights in my own nature, as you have.) Yet you too, on the other hand, have in this respect gone through various phases. You were perhaps more cheerful before you were disappointed by your children, especially by me, and were depressed at home (when other people came in, you were quite different); perhaps you have become more cheerful again since then, now that your grandchildren and your son-in-law again give you something of that warmth which your children, except perhaps Valli, could not give you. In any case, we were so different and in our difference so dangerous to each other that if anyone had tried to calculate in advance how I, the slowly developing child, and you, the full-grown man, would behave toward one another, he could have assumed that you would simply trample me underfoot so that nothing was left of me. Well, that did not happen. Nothing alive can be calculated. But perhaps something worse happened. And in saying this I would all the time beg of you not to forget that I never, and not even for a single moment believe any guilt to be on your side. The effect you had on me was the effect you could not help having. But you should stop considering it some particular malice on my part that I succumbed to that effect. I was a timid child. For all that, I am sure I was also obstinate, as children are. I am sure that Mother spoiled me too, but I cannot believe I was particularly difficult to manage; I cannot believe that a kindly word, a quiet taking by the hand, a friendly look, could not have got me to do anything that was wanted of me. Now you are, after all, basically a charitable and kindhearted person (what follows will not be in contradiction to this, I am speaking only of the impression you made on the child), but not every child has the endurance and fearlessness to go on searching until it comes to the kindliness that lies beneath the surface. You can treat a child only in the way you yourself are constituted, with vigor, noise, and hot temper, and in this case such behavior seemed to you to be also most appropriate because you wanted to bring me up to be a strong, brave boy. Your educational methods in the very early years I can't, of course, directly describe today, but I can more or less imagine them by drawing conclusions from the later years and from your treatment of Felix. What must be considered as heightening the effect is that you were then younger and hence more energetic, wilder, more primitive, and still more reckless than you are today and that you were, besides, completely tied to the business, scarcely able to be with me even once a day, and therefore made all the more profound impression on me, one that never really leveled out to the flatness of habit. There is only one episode in the early years of which I have a direct memory. You may remember it, too. One night I kept on whimpering for water, not, I am certain, because I was thirsty, but probably partly to be annoying, partly to amuse myself. After several vigorous threats had failed to have any effect, you took me out of bed, carried me out onto the pavlatche, and left me there alone for a while in my nightshirt, outside the shut door. I am not going to say that this was wrongperhaps there was really no other way of getting peace and quiet that nightbut I mention it as typical of your methods of bringing up a child and their effect on me. I dare say I was quite obedient afterward at that period, but it did me inner harm. What was for me a matter of course, that senseless asking for water, and then the extraordinary terror of being carried outside were two things that I, my nature being what it was, could never properly connect with each other. Even years afterward I suffered from the tormenting fancy that the huge man, my father, the ultimate authority, would come almost for no reason at all and take me out of bed in the night and carry me out onto the pavlatche, and that consequently I meant absolutely nothing as far as he was concerned. That was only a small beginning, but this feeling of being nothing that often dominates me (a feeling that is in another respect, admittedly, also a noble and fruitful one) comes largely from your influence. What I would have needed was a little encouragement, a little friendliness, a little keeping open of my road, instead of which you blocked it for me, though of course with the good intention of making me take another road. But I was not fit for that. You encouraged me, for instance, when I saluted and marched smartly, but I was no future soldier, or you encouraged me when I was able to eat heartily or even drink beer with my meals, or when I was able to repeat songs, singing what I had not understood, or prattle to you using your own favorite expressions, imitating you, but nothing of this had anything to do with my future. And it is characteristic that even today you really only encourage me in anything when you yourself are involved in it, when what is at stake is your own sense of self-importance, which I damage (for instance by my intended marriage) or which is damaged in me (for instance when Pepa is abusive to me). Then I receive encouragement, I am reminded of my worth, the matches I would be entitled to make are pointed out to me, and Pepa is condemned utterly. But apart from the fact that at my age I am already nearly unsusceptible to encouragement, what help could it be to me anyway, if it only comes when it isn't primarily a matter of myself at all? At that time, and at that time in every way, I would have needed encouragement. I was, after all, weighed down by your mere physical presence. I remember, for instance, how we often undressed in the same bathing hut. There was I, skinny, weakly, slight; you strong, tall, broad. Even inside the hut I felt a miserable specimen, and what's more, not only in your eyes but in the eyes of the whole world, for you were for me the measure of all things. But then when we stepped out of the bathing hut before the people, you holding me by my hand, a little skeleton, unsteady, barefoot on the boards, frightened of the water, incapable of copying your swimming strokes, which you, with the best of intentions, but actually to my profound humiliation, kept on demonstrating, then I was frantic with desperation and at such moments all my bad experiences in all areas, fitted magnificently together. I felt best when you sometimes undressed first and I was able to stay behind in the hut alone and put off the disgrace of showing myself in public until at last you came to see what I was doing and drove me out of the hut. I was grateful to you for not seeming to notice my anguish, and besides, I was proud of my father's body. By the way, this difference between us remains much the same to this very day. In keeping, furthermore, was your intellectual domination. You had worked your way so far up by your own energies alone, and as a result you had unbounded confidence in your opinion. That was not yet so dazzling for me, a child as later for the boy growing up. From your armchair you ruled the world. Your opinion was correct, every other was mad, wild, meshugge, not normal. Your self-confidence indeed was so great that you had no need to be consistent at all and yet never ceased to be in the right. It did sometimes happen that you had no opinions whatsoever about a matter and as a result every conceivable opinion with respect to the matter was necessarily wrong, without exception. You were capable, for instance, of running down the Czechs, and then the Germans, and then the Jews, and what is more, not only selectively but in every respect, and finally nobody was left except yourself. For me you took on the enigmatic quality that all tyrants have whose rights are based on their person and not on reason. At least so it seemed to me. Now, when I was the subject you were actually astonishingly often right; which in conversation was not surprising, for there was hardly ever any conversation between us, but also in reality. Yet this was nothing particularly incomprehensible, either; in all my thinking I was, after all, under the heavy pressure of your personality, even in that part of itand particularly in thatwhich was not in accord with yours. All these thoughts, seemingly independent of you, were from the beginning burdened with your belittling judgments; it was almost impossible to endure this and still work out a thought with any measure of completeness and permanence. I am not here speaking of any sublime thoughts, but of every little childhood enterprise. It was only necessary to be happy about something or other, to be filled with the thought of it, to come home and speak of it, and the answer was an ironic sigh, a shaking of the head, a tapping on the table with a finger: "Is that all you're so worked up about?" or "Such worries I'd like to have!" or "The things some people have time to think about!" or "Where is that going to get you?" or "What a song and dance about nothing!" Of course, you couldn't be expected to be enthusiastic about every childish triviality when you were in a state of vexation and worry. But that was not the point. Rather, by virtue of your antagonistic nature, you could not help but always and inevitably cause the child such disappointments; and further, this antagonism, accumulating material, was constantly intensified; eventually the pattern expressed itself even if, for once, you were of the same opinion as I; finally, these disappointments of the child were not the ordinary disappointments of life but, since they involved you, the all-important personage, they struck to the very core. Courage, resolution, confidence, delight in this and that, could not last when you were against it or even if your opposition was merely to be assumed; and it was to be assumed in almost everything I did. This applied to people as well as to thoughts. It was enough that I should take a little interest in a personwhich in any case did not happen often, as a result of my naturefor you, without any consideration for my feelings or respect for my judgment, to move in with abuse, defamation, and denigration. Innocent, childlike people, such as, for instance, the Yiddish actor Lwy, had to pay for that. Without knowing him you compared him, in some dreadful way that I have now forgotten, to vermin and, as was so often the case with people I was fond of, you were automatically ready with the proverb of the dog and its fleas. Here I particularly recall the actor because at that time I made a note of your pronouncements about him, with the comment: "This is how my father speaks of my friend (whom he does not even know), simply because he is my friend. I shall always be able to bring this up against him whenever he reproaches me with the lack of a child's affection and gratitude." What was always incomprehensible to me was your total lack of feeling for the suffering and shame you could inflict on me with your words and judgments. It was as though you had no notion of your power. I too, I am sure, often hurt you with what I said, but then I always knew, and it pained me, but I could not control myself, could not keep the words back, I was sorry even while I was saying them. But you struck out with your words without much ado, you weren't sorry for anyone, either during or afterward, one was utterly defenseless against you. But your whole method of upbringing was like that. You have, I think, a gift for bringing up children; you could, I am sure, have been of help to a human being of your own kind with your methods; such a person would have seen the reasonableness of what you told him, would not have troubled about anything else, and would quietly have done things the way he was told. But for me as a child everything you called out to me was positively a heavenly commandment, I never forgot it, it remained for me the most important means of forming a judgment of the world, above all of forming a judgment of you yourself, and there you failed entirely. Since as a child I was with you chiefly during meals, your teaching was to a large extent the teaching of proper behavior at table. What was brought to the table had to be eaten, the quality of the food was not to be discussedbut you yourself often found the food inedible, called it "this swill," said "that cow" (the cook) had ruined it. Because in accordance with your strong appetite and your particular predilection you ate everything fast, hot, and in big mouthfuls, the child had to hurry; there was a somber silence at table, interrupted by admonitions: "Eat first, talk afterward," or "faster, faster, faster," or "There you are, you see, I finished ages ago." Bones mustn't be cracked with the teeth, but you could. Vinegar must not be sipped noisily, but you could. The main thing was that the bread should be cut straight. But it didn't matter that you did it with a knife dripping with gravy. Care had to be taken that no scraps fell on the floor. In the end it was under your chair that there were the most scraps. At table one wasn't allowed to do anything but eat, but you cleaned and cut your fingernails, sharpened pencils, cleaned your ears with a toothpick. Please, Father, understand me correctly: in themselves these would have been utterly insignificant details, they only became depressing for me because you, so tremendously the authoritative man, did not keep the commandments you imposed on me. Hence the world was for me divided into three parts: one in which I, the slave, lived under laws that had been invented only for me and which I could, I did not know why, never completely comply with; then a second world, which was infinitely remote from mine, in which you lived, concerned with government, with the issuing of orders and with the annoyance about their not being obeyed; and finally a third world where everybody else lived happily and free from orders and from having to obey. I was continually in disgrace; either I obeyed your orders, and that was a disgrace, for they applied, after all, only to me; or I was defiant, and that was a disgrace too, for how could I presume to defy you; or I could not obey because I did not, for instance, have your strength, your appetite, your skill, although you expected it of me as a matter of course; this was the greatest disgrace of all. This was not the course of the child's reflections, but of his feelings. My situation at that time becomes clearer, perhaps, if I compare it with that of Felix. You do, of course, treat him in a similar way, even indeed employing a particularly terrible method against him in his upbringing: whenever at meals he does anything that is in your opinion unclean, you are not content to say to him, as you used to say to me: "You are a pig," but add: "a real Hermann" or "just like your father." Now this may perhapsone can't say more than "perhaps"not really harm Felix in any essential way, because you are only a grandfather to him, an especially important one, of course, but still not everything as you were for me; and besides, Felix is of a quiet, even at this stage to a certain extent manly character, one who may perhaps be disconcerted by a great voice thundering at him, but not permanently conditioned by it. But above all he is, of course, only comparatively seldom with you, and besides, he is also under other influences; you are for him a rather endearing curiosity from which he can pick and choose whatever he likes. For me you were nothing in the least like a curiosity, I couldn't pick and choose, I had to take everything. And this without being able to produce any arguments against any of it, for it is fundamentally impossible for you to talk calmly about a subject you don't approve of or even one that was not suggested by you; your imperious temperament does not permit it. In recent years you have been explaining this as due to your nervous heart condition. I don't know that you were ever essentially different. Rather, the nervous heart condition is a means by which you exert your domination more strongly, since the thought of it necessarily chokes off the least opposition from others. This is, of course, not a reproach, only a statement of fact. As in Ottla's case, when you say: "You simply can't talk to her at all, she flies straight in your face," but in reality she does not begin by flying out at all. You mistake the person for the thing. The thing under discussion is what flies in your face and you immediately made up your mind about it without listening to the person; whatever is brought forward afterward merely serves to irritate you further, never to convince you. Then all one gets from you is: "Do whatever you like. So far as I'm concerned you have a free hand. You're of age, I've no advice to give you," and all this with that frightful, hoarse undertone of anger and utter condemnation that makes me tremble less today than in my childhood only because the child's exclusive sense of guilt has been partly replaced by insight into our helplessness, yours and mine. The impossibility of getting on calmly together had one more result, actually a very natural one: I lost the capacity to talk. I daresay I would not have become a very eloquent person in any case, but I would, after all, have acquired the usual fluency of human language. But at a very early stage you forbade me to speak. Your threat, "Not a word of contradiction!" and the raised hand that accompanied it have been with me ever since. What I got from youand you are, whenever it is a matter of your own affairs, an excellent talkerwas a hesitant, stammering mode of speech, and even that was still too much for you, and finally I kept silent, at first perhaps out of defiance, and then because I could neither think nor speak in your presence. And because you were the person who really brought me up, this has had its repercussions throughout my life. It is altogether a remarkable mistake for you to believe I never complied with your wishes. "Always contrary" was really not my basic principle where you were concerned, as you believe and as you reproach me. On the contrary: if I had obeyed you less, I am sure you would have been much better pleased with me. As it is, all your educational measures hit the mark exactly. There was no hold I tried to escape. As I now am, I am (apart, of course, from the fundamentals and the influence of life itself) the result of your upbringing and of my obedience. That this result is nevertheless distressing to you, indeed that you unconsciously refuse to acknowledge it as the result of your methods of upbringing, is due to the fact that your hand and the material I offered were so alien to each other. You would say: "Not a word of contradiction!" thinking that that was a way of silencing the oppositional forces in me that were disagreeable to you, but the effect of it was too strong for me, I was too docile, I became completely dumb, cringed away from you, hid from you, and only dared to stir when I was so far away from you that your power could no longer reach meat least not directly. But you were faced with all that, and it all seemed to you to be "contrary," whereas it was only the inevitable consequence of your strength and my weakness. Your extremely effective rhetorical methods in bringing me up, which never failed to work with me, were: abuse, threats, irony, spiteful laughter, andoddly enoughself-pity. I cannot recall your ever having abused me directly and in downright abusive terms. Nor was that necessary; you had so many other methods, and besides, in talk at home and particularly at the shop the words of abuse went flying around me in such swarms, as they were flung at other people's heads, that as a little boy I was sometimes almost stunned and had no reason not to apply them to myself too, for the people you were abusing were certainly no worse than I was and you were certainly not more displeased with them than with me. And here again was your enigmatic innocence and inviolability; you cursed and swore without the slightest scruple; yet you condemned cursing and swearing in other people and would not have it. You reinforced abusiveness with threats and this applied to me too. How terrible for me was, for instance, that "I'll tear you apart like a fish," although I knew, of course, that nothing worse was to follow (admittedly, as a little child I didn't know that), but it was almost exactly in accord with my notions of your power, and I saw you as being capable of doing this too. It was also terrible when you ran around the table, shouting, grabbing at one, obviously not really trying to grab, yet pretending to, and Mother (finally) had to rescue one, as it seemed. Once again one had, so it seemed to the child, remained alive through your mercy and bore one's life henceforth as an undeserved gift from you. This is also the place to mention the threats about the consequences of disobedience. When I began to do something you did not like and you threatened me with the prospect of failure, my veneration for your opinion was so great that the failure became inevitable, even though perhaps it happened only at some later time. I lost confidence in my own actions. I was wavering, doubtful. The older I became, the more material there was for you to bring up against me as evidence of my worthlessness; gradually you began really to be right in a certain respect. Once again, I am careful not to assert that I became like this solely through you; you only intensified what was already there, but you intensified it greatly, simply because where I was concerned you were very powerful and you employed all your power to that end. You put special trust in bringing up children by means of irony, and this was most in keeping with your superiority over me. An admonition from you generally took this form: "Can't you do it in such-and-such a way? That's too hard for you, I suppose. You haven't the time, of course?" and so on. And each such question would be accompanied by malicious laughter and a malicious face. One was, so to speak, already punished before one even knew that one had done something bad. Maddening were also those rebukes in which one was treated as a third person, in other words, considered not worthy even to be spoken to angrily; that is to say, when you would speak ostensibly to Mother but actually to me, who was sitting right there. For instance: "Of course, that's too much to expect of our worthy son," and the like. (This produced a corollary in that, for instance, I did not dare to ask you, and later from habit did not even really much think of asking, anything directly when Mother was there. It was much less dangerous for the child to put questions to Mother, sitting there beside you, and to ask Mother: "How is Father?"so guarding oneself against surprises.) There were, of course, also cases when one was entirely in agreement with even the worst irony, namely, when it referred to someone else, such as Elli, with whom I was on bad terms for years. There was an orgy of malice and spiteful delight for me when such things were said of her, as they were at almost every meal: "She has to sit ten feet back from the table, the big fat lump," and when you, morosely sitting on your chair without the slightest trace of pleasantness or good humor, a bitter enemy, would exaggeratedly imitate the way she sat, which you found utterly loathsome. How often such things happened, over and over again, and how little you really achieved as a result of them! I think the reason was that the expenditure of anger and malice seemed to be in no proper relation to the subject itself, one did not have the feeling that the anger was caused by this trifle of sitting some way back from the table, but that the whole bulk of it had already been present to begin with, then, only by chance, happened to settle on this matter as a pretext for breaking out. Since one was convinced that a pretext would be found anyway, one did not try very hard, and one's feelings became dulled by these continued threats. One had gradually become pretty sure of not getting a beating, anyway. One became a glum, inattentive, disobedient child, always intent on escape, mainly within one's own self. So you suffered, and so we suffered. From your own point of view you were quite right when, clenching your teeth and with that gurgling laughter that gave the child its first notions of hell, you used to say bitterly (as you did only just recently in connection with a letter from Constantinople): "A nice crowd that is!" What seemed to be quite incompatible with this attitude toward your children was, and it happened very often, that you openly lamented your situation. I confess that as a child (though probably somewhat later) I was completely callous about this and could not understand how you could possibly expect to get any sympathy from anyone. You were such a giant in every respect. What could you care for our pity or even our help? Our help, indeed, you could not but despise, as you so often despised us ourselves. Hence, I did not take these laments at their face value and looked for some hidden motive behind them. Only later did I come to understand that you really suffered a great deal because of your children; but at that time, when these laments might under different circumstances still have met with a childish, candid sympathy, unhesitatingly ready to offer any help it could, to me they had to seem like overemphatic means of disciplining me and humiliating me, as such not in themselves very intense, but with the harmful side effect that the child became conditioned not to take very seriously the very things it should have taken seriously. Fortunately, there were exceptions to all this, mostly when you suffered in silence, and affection and kindliness by their own strength overcame all obstacles, and moved me immediately. Rare as this was, it was wonderful. For instance, in earlier years, in hot summers, when you were tired after lunch, I saw you having a nap at the office, your elbow on the desk; or you joined us in the country, in the summer holidays, on Sundays, worn out from work; or the time Mother was gravely ill and you stood holding on to the bookcase, shaking with sobs; or when, during my last illness, you came tiptoeing to Ottla's room to see me, stopping in the doorway, craning your neck to see me, and out of consideration only waved to me with your hand. At such times one would lie back and weep for happiness, and one weeps again now, writing it down. You have a particularly beautiful, very rare way of quietly, contentedly, approvingly smiling, a way of smiling that can make the person for whom it is meant entirely happy. I can't recall its ever having expressly been my lot in my childhood, but I dare say it may have happened, for why should you have refused it to me at a time when I still seemed blameless to you and was your great hope? Yet in the long run even such friendly impressions brought about nothing but an increased sense of guilt, making the world still more incomprehensible to me. I would rather keep to the practical and permanent. In order to assert myself even a little in relation to you, and partly too from a kind of vengefulness, I soon began to observe little ridiculous things about you, to collect them and to exaggerate them. For instance, how easily you let yourself be dazzled by people who were only seemingly above you, how you would keep on talking about them, as of some Imperial Councilor or some such (on the other hand, such things also pained me, to see you, my father, believing you had any need of such trifling confirmations of your own value, and boasting about them), or I would note your taste for indecent expressions, which you would produce in the loudest possible voice, laughing about them as though you had said something particularly good, while in point of fact it was only a banal little obscenity (at the same time this again was for me a humiliating manifestation of your vitality). There were, of course, plenty of such observations. I was happy about them; they gave me occasion for whispering and joking; you sometimes noticed it and were angry about it, took it for malice and lack of respect, but believe me, it was for me nothing other than a meansmoreover, a useless oneof attempted self-preservation; they were jokes of the kind that are made about gods and kings, jokes that are not only compatible with the profoundest respect but are indeed part and parcel of it. Incidentally, you too, in keeping with your similar position where I was concerned, tried a similar form of self-defense. You were in the habit of pointing out how exaggeratedly well off I was and how well I had in fact been treated. That is correct but I don't believe it was of any real use to me under the prevailing circumstances. It is true that Mother was endlessly good to me, but for me all that was in relation to you, that is to say, in no good relation. Mother unconsciously played the part of a beater during a hunt. Even if your method of upbringing might in some unlikely case have set me on my own feet by means of producing defiance, dislike, or even hate in me, Mother canceled that out again by kindness, by talking sensibly (in the confusion of my childhood she was the very prototype of good sense and reasonableness), by pleading for me; and I was again driven back into your orbit, which I might perhaps otherwise have broken out of, to your advantage and to my own. Or it happened that no real reconciliation came about, that Mother merely shielded me from you in secret, secretly gave me something, or allowed me to do something, and then where you were concerned I was again the furtive creature, the cheat, the guilty one, who in his worthlessness could only pursue sneaky methods even to get the things he regarded as his right. Of course, I became used to taking such a course also in quest of things to which, even in my own view, I had no right. This again meant an increase in the sense of guilt. It is also true that you hardly ever really gave me a beating. But the shouting, the way your face got red, the hasty undoing of the suspenders and laying them ready over the back of the chair, all that was almost worse for me. It is as if someone is going to be hanged. If he really is hanged, then he is dead and it is all over. But if he has to go through all the preliminaries to being hanged and he learns of his reprieve only when the noose is dangling before his face, he may suffer from it all his life. Besides, from the many occasions on which I had, according to your clearly expressed opinion, deserved a beating but was let off at the last moment by your grace, I again accumulated only a huge sense of guilt. On every side I was to blame, I was in your debt. You have always reproached me (either alone or in front of others, since you have no feeling for the humiliation of the latter, and your children's affairs were always public) for living in peace and quiet, warmth and abundance, lacking nothing, thanks to your hard work. I think of remarks that must positively have worn grooves in my brain, such as: "When I was only seven I had to push a handcart from village to village." "We all had to sleep in one room." "We were glad when we got potatoes." "For years I had open sores on my legs because I did not have enough warm clothes." "I was only a little boy when I was sent to Pisek to work in a store." "I got nothing from home, not even when I was in the army, but still I managed to send money home." "But for all that, for all thatFather was always Father to me. Ah, nobody knows what that means these days! What do these children know? Nobody's been through that! Does any child understand such things today?" Under other conditions such stories might have been very educational, they might have been a way in encouraging one and strengthening one to endure torments and deprivations similar to those one's father had undergone. But that wasn't what you wanted at all; the situation had, after all, become quite different as a result of all your efforts, and there was no opportunity to distinguish oneself as you had done. Such an opportunity would first of all have had to be created by violence and revolutions, it would have meant breaking away from home (assuming one had had the resolution and strength to do so and that Mother wouldn't have worked against it, for her part, with other means) But that was not what you wanted at all, that you termed ingratitude, extravagance, disobedience, treachery, madness. And so, while on the one hand you tempted me to it by means of example, story, and humiliation, on the other hand you forbade it with the utmost severity. Otherwise, for instance you ought to have been delighted with Ottla's Zrau escapadeapart from the accompanying circumstances. She wanted to get back to the country from which you had come, she wanted work and hardship such as you had had, she did not want to depend on the fruits of your labor, just as you yourself were independent of your father. Were those such dreadful intentions? Was that so remote from your example and your precept? Well, Ottla's intentions finally came to nothing in practice, were indeed perhaps carried out in a somewhat ridiculous way, with too much fuss, and she did not have enough consideration for her parents. But was that exclusively her fault and not also the fault of the circumstances and, above all, of the fact that you were so estranged from her? Was she any less estranged from you (as you later tried to convince yourself) in the business than afterward at Zrau? And would you not quite certainly have had the power (assuming you could have brought yourself to do so) to turn that escapade into something very good by means of encouragement, advice, and supervision, perhaps even merely by means of toleration? In connection with such experiences you used to say, in bitter jest, that we were too well off. But that joke is, in a sense, no joke at all. What you had to fight for we received from your hand, but the fight for external life, a fight that was instantly open to you and which we are, of course, not spared either, we now have to fight for only late in life, in our maturity but with only childish strength. I do not say that our situation is therefore inevitably less favorable than yours was, on the contrary, it is probably no better and no worse (although this is said without reference to our different natures), only we have the disadvantage of not being able to boast of our wretchedness and not being able to humiliate anyone with it as you have done with your wretchedness. Nor do I deny that it might have been possible for me to really enjoy the fruits of your great and successful work; that I could have turned them to good account and, to your joy, continued to work with them; but here again, our estrangement stood in the way. I could enjoy what you gave, but only in humiliation, weariness, weakness, and with a sense of guilt. That was why I could be grateful to you for everything only as a beggar is, and could never show it by doing the right things. The next external result of this whole method of upbringing was that I fled everything that even remotely reminded me of you. First, the business. In itself, especially in my childhood, so long as it was still a simple shop, I ought to have liked it very much, it was so full of life, lit up in the evening, there was so much to see and hear; one was able to help now and then, to distinguish oneself, and, above all, to admire you for your magnificent commercial talents, for the way you sold things, managed people, made jokes, were untiring, in case of doubt knew how to make the right decision immediately, and so forth; even the way you wrapped a parcel or opened a crate was a spectacle worth watching; all this was certainly not the worst school for a child. But since you gradually began to terrify me on all sides and the business and you became one thing for me, the business too made me feel uneasy. Things that had at first been a matter of course for me there now began to torment and shame me, particularly the way you treated the staff. I don't know, perhaps it was the same in most businesses (in the Assicurazioni Generali, for instance, in my time it was really similar, and the explanation I gave the director for my resignation was, though not strictly in accordance with the truth, still not entirely a lie: my not being able to bear the cursing and swearing, which incidentally had not actually been directed at me; it was something to which I had become too painfully sensitive from home), but in my childhood other businesses did not concern me. But you I heard and saw shouting, cursing, and raging in the shop, in a way that in my opinion at that time had no equal anywhere in the world. And not only cursing, but other sorts of tyrannizing. For instance, the way you pushed goods you did not want to have mixed up with others off the counteronly the thoughtlessness of your rage was some slight excuseand how the clerk had to pick them up. Or your constant comment about a clerk who had TB: "The sooner that sick dog croaks the better." You called the employees "paid enemies," and that was what they were, but even before they became that, you seemed to me to be their "paying enemy." There, too, I learned the great lesson that you could be unjust; in my own case I would not have noticed it so soon, for there was too much accumulated sense of guilt in me ready to admit that you were right; but in the shop, in my childish viewwhich later, of course, became somewhat modified, although not too much sowere strangers, who were after all, working for us and for that reason had to live in constant dread of you. Of course I exaggerated, because I simply assumed you had as terrible an effect on these people as on me. If it had been so, they could not have lived at all; since, however they were grown-up people, most of them with excellent nerves, they shook off this abuse without any trouble and in the end it did you much more harm than it did them. But it made the business insufferable to me, reminding me far too much of my relations with you; quite apart from your proprietary interest and apart from your mania for domination even as a businessman, you were so greatly superior to all those who ever came to learn the business from you that nothing they ever did could satisfy you, and you must, as I assumed, in the same way be forever dissatisfied with me too. That was why I could not help siding with the staff; I did it also, by the way, because from sheer nervousness I could not understand how anyone could be so abusive to a stranger, and thereforefrom sheer nervousness and for no other reason than my own securityI tried to reconcile the staff, which must, I thought, be in a terrible state of indignation, with you and with our family. To this end it was not enough for me to behave in an ordinary decent way toward the staff, or even modestly; more than that, I had to be humble, not only be first to say "good morning" or "good evening," but if at all possible I had to forestall any return of the greeting. And even if I, insignificant creature that I was, down below, had licked their feet it would still have been no compensation for the way that you, the master, were lashing out at them up above. This relationship that I came to have toward my fellow man extended beyond the limits of the business and on into the future (something similar, but not so dangerous and deepgoing as in my case, is for instance Ottla's taste for associating with poor people, sitting together with the maids, which annoys you so much, and the like). In the end I was almost afraid of the business and, in any case, it had long ceased to be any concern of mine even before I went to the Gymnasium and hence was taken even further away from it. Besides, it seemed to be entirely beyond my resources and capacities since, as you said, it exhausted even yours. You then tried (today this seems to me both touching and shaming) to extract, nevertheless, some little sweetness for yourself from my dislike of the business, of your worlda dislike that was after all very distressing to youby asserting that I had no business sense, that I had loftier ideas in my head, and the like. Mother was, of course, delighted with this explanation that you wrung from yourself, and I too, in my vanity and wretchedness, let myself be influenced by it. But if it had really been only or mainly "loftier ideas" that turned me against the business (which I now, but only now, have come really and honestly to hate), they would have had to express themselves differently, instead of letting me float quickly and timidly through my schooling and my law studies until I finally landed at a clerk's desk. If I was to escape from you, I had to escape from the family as well, even from Mother. True, one could always get protection from her, but only in relation to you. She loved you too much and was too devoted and loyal to you to have been for long an independent spiritual force in the child's struggle. This was, incidentally, a correct instinct of the child, for with the passing of the years Mother became ever more closely allied to you; while, where she herself was concerned, she always kept her independence, within the narrowest limits, delicately and beautifully, and without ever essentially hurting you, still, with the passing of the years she more and more completely, emotionally rather than intellectually, blindly adopted your judgments and your condemnations with regard to the children, particularly in the casecertainly a grave oneof Ottla. Of course, it must always be borne in mind how tormenting and utterly wearing Mother's position in the family was. She toiled in the business and in the house, and doubly suffered all the family illnesses, but the culmination of all this was what she suffered in her position between us and you. You were always affectionate and considerate toward her, but in this respect, you spared her just as little as we spared her. We all hammered ruthlessly away at her, you from your side, we from ours. It was a diversion, nobody meant any harm, thinking of the battle that you were waging with us and that we were waging with you, and it was Mother who got the brunt of all our wild feelings. Nor was it at all a good contribution to the children's upbringing the way youof course, without being in the slightest to blame for it yourselftormented her on our account. It even seemed to justify our otherwise unjustifiable behavior toward her. How she suffered from us on your accounts and from you on our account, even without counting those cases in which you were in the right because she was spoiling us, even though this "spoiling" may sometimes have been only a quiet, unconscious counterdemonstration against your system. Of course, Mother could not have borne all this if she had not drawn the strength to bear it from her love for us all and her happiness in that love. My sisters were only partly on my side. The one who was happiest in her relation to you was Valli. Being closest to Mother, she fell in with your wishes in a similar way, without much effort and without suffering much harm. And because she reminded you of Mother, you did accept her in a more friendly spirit, although there was little Kafka material in her. But perhaps that was precisely what you wanted; where there was nothing of the Kafka's, even you could not demand anything of the sort, nor did you feel, as with the rest of us, that something was getting lost which had to be saved by force. Besides, it may be that you were never particularly fond of the Kafka element as it manifested itself in women. Valli's relationship to you would perhaps have become even friendlier if the rest of us had not disturbed it somewhat. Elli is the only example of the almost complete success of a breaking away from your orbit. When she was a child she was the last person I should have expected it of. For she was such a clumsy, tired, timid, bad-tempered, guilt-ridden, overmeek, malicious, lazy, greedy, miserly child, I could hardly bring myself to look at her, certainly not to speak to her, so much did she remind me of myself, in so very much the same way was she under the same spell of our upbringing. Her miserliness was especially abhorrent to me, since I had it to an, if possible, even greater extent. Miserliness is, after all, one of the most reliable signs of profound unhappiness; I was so unsure of everything that, in fact, I possessed only what I actually had in my hands or in my mouth or what was at least on the way there, and this was precisely what she, being in a similar situation, most enjoyed taking away from me. But all this changed when, at an early agethis is the most important thingshe left home, married, had children, and became cheerful, carefree, brave, generous, unselfish, and hopeful. It is almost incredible how you did not really notice this change at all, or at any rate did not give it its due, blinded as you were by the grudge you have always borne Elli and fundamentally still bear her to this day; only this grudge matters much less now, since Elli no longer lives with us and, besides, your love for Felix and your affection for Karl have made it less important. Only Gerti sometimes has to suffer for it still. I scarcely dare write of Ottla; I know that by doing so I jeopardize the whole effect I hope for from this letter. In ordinary circumstances, that is, so long as she is not in particular need or danger, all you feel is only hatred for her; you yourself have confessed to me that in your opinion she is always intentionally causing you suffering and annoyance and that while you are suffering on her account she is satisfied and pleased. In other words, a sort of fiend. What an immense estrangement, greater still than that between you and me, must have come about between you and her, for such an immense misunderstanding to be possible. She is so remote from you that you scarcely see her any more, instead, you put a specter in the place where you suppose her to be. I grant you that you have had a particularly difficult time with her. I don't, of course, quite see to the bottom of this very complicated case, but at any rate here was something like a kind of Lwy, equipped with the best Kafka weapons. Between us there was no real struggle; I was soon finished off; what remained was flight, embitterment, melancholy, and inner struggle. But you two were always in a fighting position, always fresh, always energetic. A sight as magnificent as it was desperate. At the very beginning you were, I am sure, very close to each other, because of the four of us Ottla is even today perhaps the purest representation of the marriage between you and Mother and of the forces it combined. I don't know what it was that deprived you both of the happiness of the harmony between father and child, but I can't help believing that the development in this case was similar to that in mine. On your side there was the tyranny of your own nature, on her side the Lwy defiance, touchiness, sense of justice, restlessness, and all that backed by the consciousness of the Kafka vigor. Doubtless I too influenced her, but scarcely of my own doing, simply through the fact of my existence. Besides, as the last to arrive, she found herself in a situation in which the balance of power was already established, and was able to form her own judgment from the large amount of material at her disposal. I can even imagine that she may, in her inmost being, have wavered for some time as to whether she should fling herself into your arms or into those of the adversaries; and it is obvious that at that time there was something you failed to do and that you rebuffed her, but if it had been possible, the two of you would have become a magnificently harmonious pair. That way I should have lost an ally, but the sight of you two would have richly compensated me; besides, the incredible happiness of finding complete contentment at least in one child would have changed you much to my advantage. All this, however, is today only a dream. Ottla has no contact with her father and has to seek her way alone, like me, and the degree of confidence, self-confidence, health, and ruthlessness by which she surpasses me makes her in your eyes more wicked and treacherous than I seem to you. I understand that. From your point of view she can't be different. Indeed, she herself is capable of regarding herself with your eyes, of feeling what you suffer and of beingnot desperate (despair is my business) but very sad. You do see us together often enough, in apparent contradiction to this, whispering and laughing, and now and then you hear us mentioning you. The impression you get is that of impudent conspirators. Strange conspirators. You are, admittedly, a chief subject of our conversations, as of our thoughts ever since we can remember, but truly, not in order to plot against you do we sit together, but in order to discusswith all our might and main, jokingly and seriously, in affection, defiance, anger, revulsion, submission, consciousness of guilt, with all the resources of our heads and heartsthis terrible trial that is pending between us and you, to examine it in all its details, from all sides, on all occasions, from far and neara trial in which you keep on claiming to be the judge, whereas, at least in the main (here I leave a margin for all the mistakes I may naturally make) you are a party too, just as weak and deluded as we are. An example of the effect of your methods of upbringing, one that is very instructive in the context of the whole situation, is the case of Irma. On the one hand, she was, after all, a stranger, already grown up when she entered your business, and had to deal with you mainly as her employer, so that she was only partially exposed to your influence, and this at an age when she had already developed powers of resistance; yet, on the other hand, she was also a blood relation, venerating you as her father's brother, and the power you had over her was far greater than that of a mere employer. And despite all this she, who, with her frail body, was so efficient, intelligent, hard-working, modest, trustworthy, unselfish, and loyal, who loved you as her uncle and admired you as her employer, she who proved herself in previous and in subsequent positions, was not a very good clerk to you. Her relationship with you was, in fact, nearly that of one of your childrenpushed into that role, naturally, by us, tooand the power of your personality to bend others was, even in her case, so great that (admittedly only in relation to you and, it is to be hoped, without the deeper suffering of a child) she developed forgetfulness, carelessness, a sort of gallows humor, and perhaps even a shade of defiance, in so far as she was capable of that at all. And I do not even take into account that she was ailing, and not very happy in other respects either, and that she was burdened by a bleak home life. What was so illuminating to me in your relation to her, you yourself summed up in a remark that became classical for us, one that was almost blasphemous, but at the same time extraordinary evidence of the navet of your way of treating people: "The late lamented has left me quite a mess." I might go on to describe further orbits of your influence and of the struggle against it, but there I would be entering uncertain ground and would have to construct things and, apart from that, the farther you are away from your business and your family, the pleasanter you have always become, easier to get on with, better mannered, more considerate, and more sympathetic (I mean outwardly, too), in exactly the same way as for instance an autocrat, when he happens to be outside the frontiers of his own country, has no reason to go on being tyrannical and is able to associate good-humoredly even with the lowest of the low. In fact, in the group photographs taken at Franzensbad, for instance, you always looked as big and jolly, among those sulky little people, as a king on his travels. This was something, I grant you, from which your children might have benefited too, if they had been capable of recognizing this even as little children, which was impossible; and if I, for one, had not had to live constantly within the inmost, strictest, binding ring of your influence, as, in fact, I did. Not only did I lose my family feeling, as you say; on the contrary, I did indeed have a feeling about the family, mostly in a negative sense, concerned with the breaking away from you (which, of course could never be done completely). Relations with people outside the family, however, suffered possibly still more under your influence. You are entirely mistaken if you believe I do everything for other people out of affection and loyalty, and for you and the family nothing, out of coldness and betrayal. I repeat for the tenth time: Even in other circumstances I should probably have become a shy and nervous person, but it is a long dark road from there to where I have really come. (Up to now I have intentionally passed over in silence relatively little in this letter, but now and later I shall have to keep silent about some things that are still too hard for me to confessto you and to myself. I say this in order that if the picture as a whole should be somewhat blurred here and there, you should not believe that this is due to lack of evidence; on the contrary, there is evidence that might well make the picture unbearably stark. It is not easy to find a middle way.) Here, it is enough to remind you of early days. I had lost my self-confidence where you were concerned, and in its place had developed a boundless sense of guilt. (In recollection of this boundlessness I once wrote of someone, accurately: "He is afraid the shame will outlive him.") I could not suddenly change when I was with other people; rather, I came to feel an even deeper sense of guilt with them, for, as I have already said, I had to make up to them for the wrongs you had done them in your business, wrongs in which I too had my share of responsibility. Besides, you always had some objection to make, frankly or covertly, about everyone I associated with, and for this too I had to atone. The mistrust that you tried to instill into me toward most people, at business and at home (name a single person who was of importance to me in my childhood whom you didn't at least once tear to shreds with your criticism), was, oddly enough, of no particular burden to you (you were strong enough to bear it; besides, it was perhaps really only a token of the autocrat). This mistrust (which was nowhere confirmed in the eyes of the little boy, since everywhere I saw only people excellent beyond any hope of emulation) turned in me to mistrust of myself and perpetual anxiety about everything else. There, then, I was in general certain of not being able to escape from you. That you were mistaken on this point was perhaps due to your actually never learning anything about my association with other people; and mistrustfully and jealously (I don't deny, do I, that you are fond of me?) you assumed that I had to compensate elsewhere for the lack of a family life, since it must be impossible that away from home I should live in the same way. Incidentally, in this respect, it was precisely in my childhood that I did find a certain comfort in my very mistrust of my own judgment. I would say to myself: "Oh, you're exaggerating, you tend too much to feel trivialities as great exceptions, the way young people always do." But this comfort I later lost almost entirely, when I gained a clearer perspective of the world. I found just as little escape from you in Judaism. Here some measure of escape would have been thinkable in principle, moreover, it would have been thinkable that we might both have found each other in Judaism or that we even might have begun from there in harmony. But what sort of Judaism was it that I got from you? In the course of the years, I have taken roughly three different attitudes to it. As a child I reproached myself, in accord with you, for not going to the synagogue often enough, for not fasting, and so on. I thought that in this way I was doing a wrong not to myself but to you, and I was penetrated by a sense of guilt, which was, of course, always near at hand. Later, as a young man, I could not understand how, with the insignificant scrap of Judaism you yourself possessed, you could reproach me for not making an effort (for the sake of piety at least, as you put it) to cling to a similar, insignificant scrap. It was indeed, so far as I could see, a mere nothing, a jokenot even a joke. Four days a year you went to the synagogue, where you were, to say the least, closer to the indifferent than to those who took it seriously, patiently went through the prayers as a formality, sometimes amazed me by being able to show me in the prayer book the passage that was being said at the moment, and for the rest, so long as I was present in the synagogue (and this was the main thing) I was allowed to hang around wherever I liked. And so I yawned and dozed through the many hours (I don't think I was ever again so bored, except later at dancing lessons) and did my best to enjoy the few little bits of variety there were, as for instance when the Ark of the Covenant was opened, which always reminded me of the shooting galleries where a cupboard door would open in the same way whenever one hit a bull's-eye; except that there something interesting always came out and here it was always just the same old dolls without heads. Incidentally, it was also very frightening for me there, not only, as goes without saying, because of all the people one came into close contact with, but also because you once mentioned in passing that I too might be called to the Torah. That was something I dreaded for years. But otherwise I was not fundamentally disturbed in my boredom, unless it was by the bar mitzvah, but that demanded no more than some ridiculous memorizing, in other words, it led to nothing but some ridiculous passing of an examination; and, so far as you were concerned, by little, not very significant incidents, as when you were called to the Torah and passed, in what to my way of feeling was a purely social event, or when you stayed on in the synagogue for the prayers for the dead, and I was sent away, which for a long timeobviously because of the being sent away and the lack of any deeper interestaroused in me the more or less unconscious feeling that something indecent was about to take place.That's how it was in the synagogue; at home it was, if possible, even poorer, being confined to the first Seder, which more and more developed into a farce, with fits of hysterical laughter, admittedly under the influence of the growing children. (Why did you have to give way to that influence? Because you had brought it about.) This was the religious material that was handed on to me, to which may be added at most the outstretched hand pointing to "the sons of the millionaire Fuchs," who attended the synagogue with their father on the High Holy Days. How one could do anything better with that material than get rid of it as fast as possible, I could not understand; precisely the getting rid of it seemed to me to be the devoutest action. Still later, I did see it again differently and realized why it was possible for you to think that in this respect too I was malevolently betraying you. You really had brought some traces of Judaism with you from the ghetto-like village community; it was not much and it dwindled a little more in the city and during your military service; but still, the impressions and memories of your youth did just about suffice for some sort of Jewish life, especially since you did not need much help of that kind, but came of robust stock and could personally scarcely be shaken by religious scruples unless they were strongly mixed with social scruples. Basically the faith that ruled your life consisted in your believing in the unconditional rightness of the opinions of a certain class of Jewish society, and hence actually, since these opinions were part and parcel of your own nature, in believing in yourself. Even in this there was still Judaism enough, but it was too little to be handed on to the child; it all dribbled away while you were passing it on. In part, it was youthful memories that could not be passed on to others; in part, it was your dreaded personality. It was also impossible to make a child, overacutely observant from sheer nervousness, understand that the few flimsy gestures you performed in the name of Judaism, and with an indifference in keeping with their flimsiness, could have any higher meaning. For you they had meaning as little souvenirs of earlier times, and that was why you wanted to pass them on to me, but since they no longer had any intrinsic value even for you you could do this only through persuasion or threat; on the one hand, this could not be successful, and on the other, it had to make you very angry with me on account of my apparent obstinacy, since you did not recognize the weakness of your position in this. The whole thing is, of course, no isolated phenomenon. It was much the same with a large section of this transitional generation of Jews, which had migrated from the still comparatively devout countryside to the cities. It happened automatically; only, it added to our relationship, which certainly did not lack in acrimony, one more sufficiently painful source for it. Although you ought to believe, as I do, in your guiltlessness in this matter too, you ought to explain this guiltlessness by your nature and by the conditions of the times, not merely by external circumstances; that is, not by saying, for instance, that you had too much work and too many other worries to be able to bother with such things as well. In this manner you tend to twist your undoubted guiltlessness into an unjust reproach to others. That can be very easily refuted everywhere and here too. It was not a matter of any sort of instruction you ought to have given your children, but of an exemplary life. Had your Judaism been stronger, your example would have been more compelling too; this goes without saying and is, again, by no means a reproach, but only a refutation of your reproaches. You have recently been reading Franklin's memoirs of his youth. I really did purposely give you this book to read, though not, as you ironically commented, because of a little passage on vegetarianism, but because of the relationship between the author and his father, as it is there described, and of the relationship between the author and his son, as it is spontaneously revealed in these memoirs written for that son. I do not wish to dwell here on matters of detail. I have received a certain retrospective confirmation of this view of your Judaism from your attitude in recent years, when it seemed to you that I was taking more interest in Jewish matters. As you have in advance an aversion to every one of my activities and especially to the nature of my interest, so you have had it here too. But in spite of this, one could have expected that in this case you would make a little exception. It was, after all, Judaism of your Judaism that was coming to life here, and with it also the possibility of entering into a new relationship between us. I do not deny that, had you shown interest in them, these things might, for that very reason, have become suspect in my eyes. I do not even dream of asserting that I am in this respect any better than you are. But it never came to the test. Through my intervention Judaism became abhorrent to you, Jewish writings unreadable; they "nauseated" you.This may have meant you insisted that only that Judaism which you had shown me in my childhood was the right one, and beyond it there was nothing. Yet that you should insist on it was really hardly thinkable. But then the "nausea" (apart from the fact that it was directed primarily not against Judaism but against me personally) could only mean that unconsciously you did acknowledge the weakness of your Judaism and of my Jewish upbringing, did not wish to be reminded of it in any way, and reacted to any reminder with frank hatred. Incidentally, your negative high esteem of my new Judaism was much exaggerated; first of all, it bore your curse within it, and secondly in its development the fundamental relationship to one's fellow men was decisive, in my case that is to say fatal. You struck closer to home with your aversion to my writing and to everything that, unknown to you, was connected with it. Here I had, in fact, got some distance away from you by my own efforts, even if it was slightly reminiscent of the worm that, when a foot treads on its tail end, breaks loose with its front part and drags itself aside. To a certain extent I was in safety; there was a chance to breathe freely. The aversion you naturally and immediately took to my writing was, for once, welcome to me. My vanity, my ambition did suffer under your soon proverbial way of hailing the arrival of my books: "Put it on my bedside table!" (usually you were playing cards when a book came), but I was really quite glad of it, not only out of rebellious malice, not only out of delight at a new confirmation of my view of our relationship, but quite spontaneously, because to me that formula sounded something like: "Now you are free!" Of course it was a delusion; I was not, or, to put it most optimistically, was not yet, free. My writing was all about you; all I did there, after all, was to bemoan what I could not bemoan upon your breast. It was an intentionally long and drawn-out leave-taking from you, yet, although it was enforced by you, it did take its course in the direction determined by me. But how little all this amounted to! It is only worth talking about because it happened in my life, otherwise it would not even be noted; and also because in my childhood it ruled my life as a premonition, later as a hope, and still later often as despair, and it dictatedyet again in your shape, it may be saidmy few small decisions. For instance, the choice of a career. True, here you gave me complete freedom, in your magnanimous and, in this regard, even indulgent manner. Although here again you were conforming to the general method of treating sons in the Jewish middle class, which was the standard for you, or at least to the values of that class. Finally, one of your misunderstandings concerning my person played a part in this too. In fact, out of paternal pride, ignorance of my real life, and conclusions drawn from my feebleness, you have always regarded me as particularly diligent. As a child I was, in your view, always studying, and later always writing. This does not even remotely correspond to the facts. It would be more correct, and much less exaggerated, to say that I studied little and learned nothing; that something did stick in my mind after those many years is, after all, not very remarkable, since I did have a moderately good memory and a not too inferior capacity for learning; but the sum total of knowledge and especially of a solid grounding of knowledge is extremely pitiable in comparison with the expenditure of time and money in the course of an outwardly untroubled, calm life, particularly also in comparison with almost all the people I know. It is pitiable, but to me understandable. Ever since I could think, I have had such profound anxieties about asserting my spiritual and intellectual existence that I was indifferent to everything else. Jewish schoolboys in our country often tend to be odd; among them one finds the most unlikely things; but something like my cold indifference, scarcely disguised, indestructible, childishly helpless, approaching the ridiculous, and brutishly complacent, the indifference of a self-sufficient but coldly imaginative child, I have never found anywhere else; to be sure, it was the sole defense against destruction of the nerves by fear and by a sense of guilt. All that occupied my mind was worry about myself, and this in various ways. There was, for instance, the worry about my health; it began imperceptibly enough, with now and then a little anxiety about digestion, hair falling out, a spinal curvature, and so on; intensifying in innumerable gradations, it finally ended with a real illness. But since there was nothing at all I was certain of, since I needed to be provided at every instant with a new confirmation of my existence, since nothing was in my very own, undoubted, sole possession, determined unequivocally only by mein sober truth a disinherited sonnaturally I became unsure even to the thing nearest to me, my own body. I shot up, tall and lanky, without knowing what to do with my lankiness, the burden was too heavy, the back became bent; I scarcely dared to move, certainly not to exercise, I remained weakly; I was amazed by everything I could still command as by a miracle, for instance, my good digestion; that sufficed to lose it, and now the way was open to every sort of hypochondria; until finally under the strain of the superhuman effort of wanting to marry (of this I shall speak later), blood came from the lung, something in which the apartment in the Schnbornpalaiswhich, however, I needed only because I believed I needed it for my writing, so that even this belongs here under the same headingmay have had a fair share. So all this did not come from excessive work, as you always imagine. There were years in which, in perfectly good health, I lazed away more time on the sofa than you in all your life, including all your illnesses. When I rushed away from you, frightfully busy, it was generally in order to lie down in my room. My total achievement in work done, both at the office (where laziness is, of course, not particularly striking, and besides, mine was kept in bounds by my anxiety) and at home, is minute; if you had any real idea of it, you would be aghast. Probably I am constitutionally not lazy at all, but there was nothing for me to do. In the place where I lived I was spurned, condemned, fought to a standstill; and to escape to some other place was an enormous exertion, but that was not work, for it was something impossible, something that was, with small exceptions, unattainable for me. This was the state in which I was given the freedom of choice of a career. But was I still capable of making any use of such freedom? Had I still any confidence in my own capacity to achieve a real career? My valuation of myself was much more dependent on you than on anything else, such as some external success. That was strengthening for a moment, nothing more, but on the other side your weight always dragged me down much more strongly. Never shall I pass the first grade in grammar school, I thought, but I succeeded, I even got a prize; but I shall certainly not pass the entrance exam for the Gymnasium, but I succeeded; but now I shall certainly fail in the first year at the Gymnasium; no, I did not fail, and I went on and on succeeding. This did not produce any confidence, however; on the contrary, I was always convincedand I had positive proof of it in your forbidding expressionthat the more I achieved, the worse the final outcome would inevitably be. Often in my mind's eye I saw the terrible assembly of the teachers (the Gymnasium is only the most obvious example, but it was the same all around me), as they would meet, when I had passed the first class, and then in the second class, when I had passed that, and then in the third, and so on, meeting in order to examine this unique, outrageous case, to discover how I, the most incapable, or at least the most ignorant of all, had succeeded in creeping up so far as this class, which now, when everybody's attention had at last been focused on me, would of course instantly spew me out, to the jubilation of all the righteous liberated from this nightmare. To live with such fantasies is not easy for a child. In these circumstances, what could I care about my lessons? Who was able to strike a spark of real interest in me? Lessons, and not only lessons but everything around me, interested me as much, at that decisive age, as an embezzling bank clerk, still holding his job and trembling at the thought of discovery, is interested in the petty ongoing business of the bank, which he still has to deal with as a clerk. That was how small and faraway everything was in comparison to the main thing. So it went on up to the qualifying exams which I really passed partly only through cheating, and then everything came to a standstill, for now I was free. If I had been concerned only with myself up to now, despite the discipline of the Gymnasium, how much more so now that I was free. So there was actually no such thing for me as freedom to choose my career, for I knew: compared to the main thing everything would be exactly as much a matter of indifference to me as all the subjects taught at school, and so it was a matter of finding a profession that would let me indulge this indifference without injuring my vanity too much. Law was the obvious choice. Little contrary attempts on the part of vanity, of senseless hope, such as a fortnight's study of chemistry, or six months' German studies, only reinforced that fundamental conviction. So I studied law. This meant that in the few months before the exams, and in a way that told severely on my nerves, I was positively living in an intellectual sense, on sawdust, which had moreover already been chewed for me in thousands of other people's mouths. But in a certain sense this was exactly to my taste, as in a certain sense the Gymnasium had been earlier, and later my job as a clerk, for it all suited my situation. At any rate, I did show astonishing foresight; even as a small child I had had fairly clear premonitions about my studies and my career. From this side I did not expect rescue; here I had given up long ago. But I showed no foresight at all concerning the significance and possibility of a marriage for me; this up to now greatest terror of my life has come upon me almost completely unexpectedly. The child had developed so slowly, these things were outwardly all too remote; now and then the necessity of thinking of them did arise; but the fact that here a permanent, decisive and indeed the most grimly bitter ordeal loomed was impossible to recognize. In reality, however, the marriage plans turned out to be the most grandiose and hopeful attempts at escape, and, consequently their failure was correspondingly grandiose. I am afraid that because in this sphere everything I try is a failure, I shall also fail to make these attempts to marry comprehensible to you. And yet the success of this whole letter depends on it, for in these attempts there was, on the one hand, concentrated everything I had at my disposal in the way of positive forces, and, on the other hand, there also accumulated, and with downright fury, all the negative forces that I have described as being the result in part of your method of upbringing, that is to say, the weakness, the lack of self-confidence, the sense of guilt, and they positively drew a cordon between myself and marriage. The explanation will be hard for me also because I have spent so many days and nights thinking and burrowing through the whole thing over and over again that now even I myself am bewildered by the mere sight of it. The only thing that makes the explanation easier for me is yourin my opinioncomplete misunderstanding of the matter; to correct slightly so complete a misunderstanding does not seem excessively difficult. First of all you rank the failure of the marriages with the rest of my failures; I should have nothing against this provided you accepted my previous explanation of my failure as a whole. It does, in fact, form part of the same series, only you underrate the importance of the matter, underrating it to such an extent that whenever we talk of it we are actually talking about quite different things. I venture to say that nothing has happened to you in your whole life that had such importance for you as the attempts at marriage have had for me. By this I do not mean that you have not experienced anything in itself as important; on the contrary, your life was much richer and more care-laden and more concentrated than mine, but for that very reason nothing of this sort has happened to you. It is as if one person had to climb five low steps and another person only one step, but one that is, at least for him, as high as all the other five put together; the first person will not only manage the five, but hundreds and thousands more as well, he will have led a great and very strenuous life, but none of the steps he has climbed will have been of such importance to him as for the second person that one, firstly high step, that step which it is impossible for him to climb even by exerting all his strength, that step which he cannot get up on and which he naturally cannot get past either. Marrying, founding a family, accepting all the children that come, supporting them in this insecure world and perhaps even guiding them a little, is, I am convinced, the utmost a human being can succeed in doing at all. That so many seem to succeed in this is no evidence to the contrary; first of all, there are not many who do succeed, and second, these not-many usually don't "do" it, it merely "happens" to them; although this is not that utmost, it is still very great and very honorable (particularly since "doing" and "happening" cannot be kept clearly distinct). And finally, it is not a matter of this utmost at all, anyway, but only of some distant but decent approximation; it is, after all, not necessary to fly right into the middle of the sun, but it is necessary to crawl to a clean little spot on Earth where the sun sometimes shines and one can warm oneself a little. How was I prepared for this? As badly as possible. This is apparent from what has been said up to now. In so far as any direct preparation of the individual and any direct creation of the general basic conditions exist, you did not intervene much outwardly. And it could not be otherwise; what is decisive here are the general sexual customs of class, nation, and time. Yet you did intervene here toonot much, for such intervention must presuppose great mutual trust, and both of us had been lacking in this even long before the decisive time cameand not very happily, because our needs were quite different; what grips me need hardly touch you at all, and vice versa; what is innocence in you may be guilt in me, and vice versa; what has no consequences for you may be the last nail in my coffin. I remember going for a walk one evening with you and Mother; it was on Josephsplatz near where the Landerbank is today; and I began talking about these interesting things, in a stupidly boastful, superior, proud, detached (that was spurious), cold (that was genuine), and stammering manner, as indeed I usually talked to you, reproaching the two of you with having left me uninstructed; with the fact that my schoolmates first had to take me in hand, that I had been close to great dangers (here I was brazenly lying, as was my way, in order to show myself brave, for as a consequence of my timidity I had, except for the usual sexual misdemeanors of city children, no very exact notion of these "great dangers"); but finally I hinted that now, fortunately, I knew everything, no longer needed any advice, and that everything was all right. I had begun talking about all this mainly because it gave me pleasure at least to talk about it, and also out of curiosity, and finally to avenge myself somehow on the two of you for something or other. In keeping with your nature you took it quite simply, only saying something to the effect that you could give me advice about how I could go in for these things without danger. Perhaps I did want to lure just such an answer out of you; it was in keeping with the prurience of a child overfed with meat and all good things, physically inactive, everlastingly occupied with himself; but still, my outward sense of shame was so hurt by thisor I believed it ought to be so hurtthat against my will I could not go on talking to you about it and, with arrogant impudence, cut the conversation short. It is not easy to judge the answer you gave me then; on the one hand, it had something staggeringly frank, sort of primeval, about it; on the other hand, as far as the lesson itself is concerned, it was uninhibited in a very modern way. I don't know how old I was at the time, certainly not much over sixteen. It was, nevertheless, a very remarkable answer for such a boy, and the distance between the two of us is also shown in the fact that it was actually the first direct instruction bearing on real life I ever received from you. Its real meaning, however, which sank into my mind even then, but which came partly to the surface of my consciousness only much later, was this: what you advised me to do was in your opinion and even more in my opinion at that time, the filthiest thing possible. That you wanted to see to it that I should not bring any of the physical filth home with me was unimportant, for you were only protecting yourself, your house. The important thing was rather that you yourself remained outside your own advice, a married man, a pure man, above such things; this was probably intensified for me at the time by the fact that even marriage seemed to me shameless; and hence it was impossible for me to apply to my parents the general information I had picked up about marriage. Thus you became still purer, rose still higher. The thought that you might have given yourself similar advice before your marriage was to me utterly unthinkable. So there was hardly any smudge of earthly filth on you at all. And it was you who pushed me down into this filthjust as though I were predestined to it with a few frank words. And so, if the world consisted only of me and you (a notion I was much inclined to have), then this purity of the world came to an end with you and, by virtue of your advice, thc filth began with me. In itself it was, of course, incomprehensible that you should thus condemn me; only old guilt, and profoundest contempt on your side, could explain it to me. And so again I was seized in my innermost beingand very hard indeed. Here perhaps both our guiltlessness becomes most evident. A gives B a piece of advice that is frank, in keeping with his attitude to life, not very lovely but still, even today perfectly usual in the city, a piece of advice that might prevent damage to health. This piece of advice is for B morally not very invigoratingbut why should he not be able to work his way out of it, and repair the damage in the course of the years? Besides, he does not even have to take the advice; and there is no reason why the advice itself should cause B's whole future world to come tumbling down. And yet something of this kind does happen, but only for the very reason that A is you and B is myself. This guiltlessness on both sides I can judge especially well because a similar clash between us occurred some twenty years later, in quite different circumstanceshorrible in itself but much less damagingfor what was there in me, the thirty-six-year-old, that could still be damaged? I am referring to a brief discussion on one of those few tumultuous days that followed the announcement of my latest marriage plans. You said to me something like this: "She probably put on a fancy blouse, something these Prague Jewesses are good at, and right away, of course, you decided to marry her. And that as fast as possible, in a week, tomorrow, today. I cant understand you: after all, you're a grown man, you live in the city, and you don't know what to do but marry the first girl who comes along. Isn't there anything else you can do? If you're frightened, I'll go with you." You put it in more detail and more plainly, but I can no longer recall the details, perhaps too things became a little vague before my eyes, I paid almost more attention to Mother who, though in complete agreement with you, took something from the table and left the room with it. You have hardly ever humiliated me more deeply with words and shown me your contempt more clearly. When you spoke to me in a similar way twenty years earlier, one might, looking at it through your eyes, have seen in it some respect for the precocious city boy, who in your opinion could already be initiated into life without more ado. Today this consideration could only intensify the contempt, for the boy who was about to make his first start got stuck halfway and today does not seem richer by any experience, only more pitiable by twenty years. My choice of a girl meant nothing at all to you. You had (unconsciously) always suppressed my power of decision and now believed (unconsciously) that you knew what it was worth. Of my attempts at escape in other directions you knew nothing, thus you could not know anything either of the thought processes that had led me to this attempt to marry, and had to try to guess at them, and in keeping with your general opinion of me, you interpreted them in the most abominable, crude, and ridiculous light. And you did not for a moment hesitate to tell me this in just such a manner. The shame you inflicted on me with this was nothing to you in comparison to the shame that I would, in your opinion, inflict on your name by this marriage. Now, regarding my attempts at marriage there is much you can say in reply, and you have indeed done so: you could not have much respect for my decision since I had twice broken the engagement with F. and had twice renewed it, since I had needlessly dragged you and Mother to Berlin to celebrate the engagement, and the like. All this is truebut how did it come about? The fundamental thought behind both attempts at marriage was quite sound: to set up house, to become independent. An idea that does appeal to you, only in reality it always turns out like the children's game in which one holds and even grips the other's hand, calling out: "Oh, go away, go away, why don't you go away?" Which in our case happens to be complicated by the fact that you have always honestly meant this "go away!" and have always unknowingly held me, or rather held me down, only by the strength of your personality. Although both girls were chosen by chance, they were extraordinarily well chosen. Again a sign of your complete misunderstanding, that you can believe that Itimid, hesitant, suspiciouscan decide to marry in a flash, out of delight over a blouse. Both marriages would rather have been commonsense marriages, in so far as that means that day and nightthe first time for years, the second time for monthsall my power of thought was concentrated on the plan. Neither of the girls disappointed me, only I disappointed both of them. My opinion of them is today exactly the same as when I wanted to marry them. It is not true either that in my second marriage attempt I disregarded the experience gained from the first attempt, that I was rash and careless. The cases were quite different; precisely the earlier experience held out a hope for the second case, which was altogether much more promising. I do not want to go into details here. Why then did I not marry? There were certainly obstacles, as there always are, but then, life consists in confronting such obstacles. The essential obstacle, however, which is, unfortunately, independent of the individual case, is that obviously I am mentally incapable of marrying. This manifests itself in the fact that from the moment I make up my mind to marry I can no longer sleep, my head burns day and night, life can no longer be called life, I stagger about in despair. It is not actually worries that bring this about; true, in keeping with my sluggishness and pedantry countless worries are involved in all this, but they are not decisive; they do, like worms, complete the work on the corpse, but the decisive blow has come from elsewhere. It is the general pressure of anxiety, of weakness, of self-contempt. I will try to explain it in more detail. Here, in the attempt to marry, two seemingly antagonistic elements in my relations with you unite more intensely than anywhere else. Marriage certainly is the pledge of the most acute form of self-liberation and independence. I would have a family, in my opinion the highest one can achieve, and so too the highest you have achieved; I would be your equal; all old and even new shame and tyranny would be mere history. It would be like a fairy tale, but precisely there lies the questionable element. It is too much; so much cannot be achieved. It is as if a person were a prisoner, and he had not only the intention to escape, which would perhaps be attainable, but also, and indeed simultaneously, the intention to rebuild the prison as a pleasure dome for himself. But if he escapes, he cannot rebuild, and if he rebuilds, he cannot escape. If I, in the particular unhappy relationship in which I stand to you, want to become independent, I must do something that will have, if possible, no connection with you at all; though marrying is the greatest thing of all and provides the most honorable independence, it also stands at the same time in the closest relation to you. To try to get out of this quandary has therefore a touch of madness about it, and every attempt is punished by being driven almost mad. It is precisely this close relation that partly lures me toward marrying. I picture the equality which would then arise between usand which you would be able to understand better than any other form of equalityas so beautiful because then I could be a free, grateful, guiltless, upright son, and you could be an untroubled untyrannical, sympathetic, contented father. But to this end everything that ever happened would have to be undone, that is, we ourselves should have to be canceled out. But we being what we are, marrying is barred to me because it is your very own domain. Sometimes I imagine the map of the world spread out and you stretched diagonally across it. And I feel as if I could consider living in only those regions that either are not covered by you or are not within your reach. And, in keeping with the conception I have of your magnitude, these are not many and not very comforting regionsand marriage is not among them. This very comparison proves that I certainly do not mean to say that you drove me away from marriage by your example, as you had driven me away from your business. Quite the contrary, despite the remote similarity. In your marriage I had before me what was, in many ways, a model marriage, a model in constancy, mutual help, number of children; and even when the children grew up and increasingly disturbed the peace, the marriage as such remained undisturbed. Perhaps I formed my high idea of marriage on this model; the desire for marriage was powerless for other reasons. Those lay in your relation to your children, which is, after all, what this whole letter is about. There is a view according to which fear of marriage sometimes has its source in a fear that one's children would some day pay one back for the sins one has committed against one's own parents. This, I believe, has no very great significance in my case, for my sense of guilt actually originates in you, and is filled with such conviction of its uniquenessindeed, this feeling of uniqueness is an essential part of its tormenting naturethat any repetition is unthinkable. All the same, I must say that I would find such a mute, glum, dry, doomed son unbearable; I daresay that, if there were no other possibility, I would flee from him, emigrate, as you had planned to do if I had married. And this may also have had some influence on my incapacity to marry. What is much more important in all this, however, is the anxiety about myself. This has to be understood as follows: I have already indicated that in my writing, and in everything connected with it, I have made some attempts at independence, attempts at escape, with the very smallest of success; they will scarcely lead any farther; much confirms this for me. Nevertheless it is my duty or, rather, the essence of my life, to watch over them, to let no danger that I can avert, indeed no possibility of such a danger, approach them. Marriage bears the possibility of such a danger, though also the possibility of the greatest help; for me, however, it is enough that there is the possibility of a danger. What should I do if it did turn out to be a danger! How could I continue living in matrimony with the perhaps unprovable, but nevertheless irrefutable feeling that this danger existed? Faced with this I may waver, but the final outcome is certain: I must renounce. The simile of the bird in the hand and the two in the bush has only a fiery remote application here. In my hand I have nothing, in the bush is everything, and yetso it is decided by the conditions of battle and the exigency of lifeI must choose the nothing. I had to make a similar choice when I chose my profession. The most important obstacle to marriage, however, is the no longer eradicable conviction that what is essential to the support of a family and especially to its guidance, is what I have recognized in you; and indeed everything rolled into one, good and bad, as it is organically combined in youstrength, and scorn of others, health, and a certain immoderation, eloquence and inadequacy, self-confidence and dissatisfaction with everyone else, a worldly wisdom and tyranny, knowledge of human nature and mistrust of most people; then also good qualities without any drawback, such as industry, endurance, presence of mind, and fearlessness. By comparison I had almost nothing or very little of all this; and was it on this basis that I wanted to risk marrying, when I could see for myself that even you had to fight hard in marriage and, where the children were concerned, had even failed? Of course, I did not put this question to myself in so many words and I did not answer it in so many words; otherwise everyday thinking would have taken over and shown me other men who are different from you (to name one, near at hand, who is very different from you: Uncle Richard) and yet have married and have at least not collapsed under the strain, which is in itself a great deal and would have been quite enough for me. But I did not ask this question, I lived it from childhood on. I tested myself not only when faced with marriage, but in the face of every trifle; in the face of every trifle you by your example and your method of upbringing convinced me, as I have tried to describe, of my incapacity; and what turned out to be true of every trifle and proved you right, had to be fearfully true of the greatest thing of all: of marriage. Up to the time of my marriage attempts I grew up more or less like a businessman who lives from day to day, with worries and forebodings, but without keeping proper accounts. He makes a few small profitswhich he constantly pampers and exaggerates in his imagination because of their raritybut otherwise he has daily losses. Everything is entered, but never balanced. Now comes the necessity of drawing a balance, that is, the attempt at marriage. And with the large sums that have to be taken into account here it is as though there had never been even the smallest profit, everything one single great liability. And now marry without going mad! That is what my life with you has been like up to now, and these are the prospects inherent in it for the future. If you look at the reasons I offer for the fear I have of you, you might answer: "You maintain I make things easy for myself by explaining my relation to you simply as being your fault, but I believe that despite your outward effort, you do not make things more difficult for yourself, but much more profitable. At first you too repudiate all guilt and responsibility; in this our methods are the same. But whereas I then attribute the sole guilt to you as frankly as I mean it, you want to be 'overly clever' and 'overly affectionate' at the same time and acquit me also of all guilt. Of course, in the latter you only seem to succeed (and more you do not even want), and what appears between the lines, in spite of all the 'turns of phrase' about character and nature and antagonism and helplessness, is that actually I have been the aggressor, while everything you were up to was self-defense. By now you would have achieved enough by your very insincerity, for you have proved three things: first, that you are not guilty; second, that I am the guilty one; and third, that out of sheer magnanimity you are ready not only to forgive me but (what is both more and less) also to prove and be willing to believe yourself thatcontrary to the truthI also am not guilty. That ought to be enough for you now, but it is still not enough. You have put it into your head to live entirely off me. I admit that we fight with each other, but there are two kinds of combat. The chivalrous combat, in which independent opponents pit their strength against each other, each on his own, each losing on his own, each winning on his own. And there is the combat of vermin, which not only sting but, on top of it, suck your blood in order to sustain their own life. That's what the real professional soldier is, and that's what you are. You are unfit for life; to make life comfortable for yourself, without worries and without self-reproaches, you prove that I have taken your fitness for life away from you and put it in my own pocket. Why should it bother you that you are unfit for life, since I have the responsibility for it, while you calmly stretch out and let yourself be hauled through life, physically and mentally, by me. For example: when you recently wanted to marry, you wantedand this you do, after all, admit in this letterat the same time not to marry, but in order not to have to exert yourself you wanted me to help you with this not-marrying, by forbidding this marriage because of the 'disgrace' this union would bring upon my name. I did not dream of it. First, in this as in everything else I never wanted to be 'an obstacle to your happiness,' and second, I never want to have to hear such a reproach from my child. But did the self-restraint with which I left the marriage up to you do me any good? Not in the least. My aversion to your marriage would not have prevented it; on the contrary, it would have been an added incentive for you to marry the girl, for it would have made the 'attempt at escape,' as you put it, complete. And my consent to your marriage did not prevent your reproaches, for you prove that I am in any case to blame for your not marrying. Basically, however, in this as in everything else you have only proved to me that all my reproaches were justified, and that one especially justified charge was still missing: namely, the charge of insincerity, obsequiousness and parasitism. If I am not very much mistaken, you are preying on me even with this letter itself." My answer to this is that, after all, this whole rejoinderwhich can partly also be turned against youdoes not come from you, but from me. Not even your mistrust of others is as great as my self-mistrust, which you have bred in me. I do not deny a certain justification for this rejoinder, which in itself contributes new material to the characterization of our relationship. Naturally things cannot in reality fit together the way the evidence does in my letter; life is more than a Chinese puzzle. But with the correction made by this rejoindera correction I neither can nor will elaborate in detailin my opinion something has been achieved which so closely approximates the truth that it might reassure us both a little and make our living and our dying easier. Franz
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Hofrat Dr. Franz Cutka folgt Hofrat Dr. Kurt Leitzenberger
Wechsel an der Spitze des St. Pltner Landesgerichtes ST. PLTEN (mss) Mit einer stimmungsvollen Feier im Schwurgerichtssaal des St. Pltner Landesgerichtes wurde heute Hofrat Dr. Kurt Leitzenberger in den Ruhestand verabschiedet und Hofrat Dr. Franz Cutka in sein Amt als neuer Prsident des Landesgerichtes St. Plten eingefhrt. Zum Festakt waren hochrangige Vertreter der Justiz zusammengekommen, allen voran Bundesministerin Dr. Claudia Bandion-Ortner und einige Sektionsleiter aus dem Justizministerium, sowie die Reprsentanten der Landesgerichte in Wien, Niedersterreich und dem Burgenland, des OGH und des Verwaltungsgerichthofes, der Staatsanwaltschaft, der Rechtanwlte und Notare etc, sowie der Polizei, der Politik, der Stadt und der hohen Geistlichkeit. Die Verabschiedung des scheidenden und die Amtseinfhrung des neuen St. Pltner Landesgerichtsprsidenten nahm der Prsident des Oberlandesgerichtes Wien Mag. Dr. Anton Sumerauer vor. Der Vorsitzende des Dienststellenausschusses ADir. RR Karl Stocker, die Vizeprsidentin der Vereinigung der sterreichischen Richterinnen und Richter Mag. Charlotte Schilhammer und der leitende Staatsanwalt Hofrat Dr. Peter Fincenc richteten Dank- bzw. Gruadressen an Dr. Leitzenberger und Dr. Ctuka. Stadler wrdigt gute Zusammenarbeit In seiner Rede betonte Brgermeister Mag. Matthias Stadler die gute Zusammenarbeit der der Justiz mit Stadt und hob besonders die menschlichen Vorzge Leitzenbergers hervor. Leitzenberger hat sich in den letzten Jahren fr den Zubau beim Landesgericht St. Plten eingesetzt. Es wurde eine wichtige Grundlage geschaffen, damit die Justizbehrde in St.Plten ihre Aufgaben erfllen kann, gleichzeitig wird ein stdtebaulicher Akzent gesetzt, so Stadler. Dem neuen Prsidenten des Landesgerichts bot das St. Pltner Stadtoberhaupt die Fortsetzung der guten Zusammenarbeit an und wrdigte dessen professionelles Vorgehen beim Fritz-Prozess. Als ausgebildeter Musiker wird Dr. Cutka knftig nicht nur den Ton angeben, sondern auch so wie bisher den richtigen Ton finden, ist Stadler zuversichtlich. Justizministerin verleiht Ehrenzeichen Justizministerin Dr. Claudia Bandion-Ortner berreichte im Rahmen des Festaktes das mit Entschlieung des Bundesprsidenten vom 23. Juli 2010 verliehene Groe Silberne Ehrenzeichen fr Verdienste um die Republik an Hofrat Dr. Kurt Leitzenberger. Bandion-Ortner wies im Rahmen der Feierstunde die mediale Kritik an der Justiz in der letzten Zeit zurck und betonte, dass beste Arbeit geleistet werde. Sie rief dazu auf, dass das Vertrauen in die Justiz gestrkt werden msse und nannte dazu vier Faktoren: Transparenz, Kompetenz, geeignete Instrumente (z.B. Kronzeugenregelung) ausreichende Ressourcen (z.B. Personal). In seinen Dankesworten bezeichnete Dr. Leitzenberger die MitarbeiterInnen im Landesgericht St. Plten als Schatz der Justiz und Dr. Franz Cutka bat um weiter Untersttzung und Fortsetzung der guten Zusammenarbeit innerhalb der Justizbehrden aber auch mit den anderen Krperschaften und Institutionen. Hofrat Dr. Kurt Leitzenberger kam 1977 als Richter nach St. Plten und war von 1989 bis 2000 Vizeprsident des Landesgerichte St. Plten. Am 1. Mai 2000 wurde er zum Prsidenten des Landesgerichtes St. Plten ernannt. Darber hinaus war er in zahlreichen Institutionen in verschiedensten Funktionen ttig. Er ist verheiratet und hat zwei Tchter Hofrat Dr. Franz Cutka kam 1982 als Richter nach St. Plten. Ab 1. August 2000 war er Vizeprsident des Landesgerichtes St. Plten, dem er nun seit 1. Juli 20010 vorsteht. Dr. Cutka ist verheiratet und hat zwei Kinder. FOTO (mss/Mayer) Brgermeister Mag. Matthias Stadler und Justizministerin Dr. Claudia Bandion-Ortner wnschen dem neuen Prsidenten des Landesgerichts Hofrat Dr. Franz Cutka alles Gute in seiner neuen Funktion und danken Hofrat Dr. Kurt Leitzenberger fr die geleistete Arbeit. Teilen Sie dies mit: StumbleUpon Digg Reddit Facebook
Ehrenamtliche Sozialrichterinnen und Sozialrichter in Speyer geehrt
Die Sozialgerichte und ihre Rechtsprechung seien fr weite Kreise der Bevlkerung von groer Bedeutung. Sie gewhrleisteten Brgerinnen und Brgern auf dem Gebiet des Sozialrechts effektiven Rechtsschutz. Die Brgerinnen und Brger erwarteten von den Sozialgerichten und dabei insbesondere von der Eingangsinstanz viel, hob Staatssekretrin Beate Reich anlsslich der Veranstaltung zu Ehren der ehrenamtlichen Richterinnen und Richter der Sozialgerichtsbarkeit in Speyer hervor. Nicht selten geht es fr die Menschen dabei um existenzielle Fragen. Sie stehen in der Regel, oft mit einer gewissen Hilflosigkeit, einer hoch spezialisierten Verwaltung gegenber. Die Richterinnen und Richter der Sozialgerichte erhalten zum Teil tiefe Einblicke in individuelle Schicksale der Klgerinnen und Klger. Fr die richterliche Ttigkeit am Sozialgericht ist daher neben einer hohen Fachkompetenz auch ein besonderes Ma an Feingefhl notwendig, so Reich. Dabei komme den ehrenamtlichen Richterinnen und Richtern eine wichtige Brckenfunktion zwischen den Berufsrichterinnen und -richtern und rechtsuchenden Parteien zu. Sie bringen uns Juristinnen und Juristen auf den Boden der Tatsachen zurck und sorgen mit dafr, dass Urteile transparenter und brgernher werden, damit sie besser verstanden und akzeptiert werden knnen. Sie haben dieselbe Entscheidungsmacht, dasselbe Stimmrecht wie die Berufsrichterinnen und -richter, so die Staatssekretrin. Brgerschaftliches Engagement sei eine tragende Sule unserer Gesellschaft. Unsere Zivilgesellschaft braucht Menschen wie Sie, die bereit sind, sich ehrenamtlich fr das Gemeinwohl einzubringen. Ich mchte abschlieend noch einmal betonen, dass die Sozialgerichtsbarkeit des Landes eine sehr gute Arbeit leistet. Ihnen allen und den Berufsrichterinnen und Berufsrichtern ist es zu verdanken, dass die rheinland-pflzische Sozialgerichtsbarkeit im Bundesvergleich den Spitzenplatz bei den Erledigungen belegt. Dafr gebhrt Ihnen allen ein ganz besonderer Dank, so Reich. Insgesamt sind 944 ehrenamtliche Sozialrichterinnen und Sozialrichter in Rheinland-Pfalz ttig. Davon sind 244 in Speyer ttig. Staatssekretrin Reich besuchte im Rahmen der Besuchsreihe Unterwegs fr unser Land weiterhin den Caritasverband der Dizese Speyer und die Auenstelle des Internationalen Bundes. Ministerium der Justiz, Rheinland-Pfalz Teilen Sie dies mit: StumbleUpon Digg Reddit Facebook
Filmlinks4u.Net Hollywood Movies
h1 a:hover {background-color:#888;color:#fff ! important;} div#emailbody table#itemcontentlist tr td div ul { list-style-type:square; padding-left:1em; } div#emailbody table#itemcontentlist tr td div blockquote { padding-left:6px; border-left: 6px solid #dadada; margin-left:1em; } div#emailbody table#itemcontentlist tr td div li { margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:1em; } table#itemcontentlist tr td a:link, table#itemcontentlist tr td a:visited, table#itemcontentlist tr td a:active, ul#summarylist li a { color:#000099; font-weight:bold; text-decoration:none; } img {border:none;} Filmlinks4u.Net Hollywood Movies Nomads (1986) Hollywood Movie Watch Online D-Tox (2002) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Ada: Zombilerin dgn (2010) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Soft for Digging (2001) Hollywood Movie Watch Online The Dark Power (1985) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Like Water for Chocolate (1992) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Terror Firmer (1998) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Dangerous Seductress (1992) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Hedwig and the Angry Inch (2001) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Days of Darkness (2007) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Drive Thru (2007) Hollywood Movie Watch Online The Pumpkin Karver (2006) Hollywood Movie Watch Online The Hole (2001) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Man Maid (2008) Hollywood Movie Watch Online I Love You Too (2010) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Intermezzo: A Love Story (1939) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Beat Girl (1959) Hollywood Movie Watch Online A Study in Scarlet (1933) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Rumble In Hong Kong (1973) Hollywood Movie Watch Online The Young Master (1980) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Akibat Pergaulan Bebas (2010) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Bound by Lies (2005) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Charlie St. Cloud (2010) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Quid Pro Quo (2008) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Will You Merry Me (2008) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Under the Salt (2008) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Blue Car (2002) Hollywood Movie Watch Online A Tale of Two Sisters (2003) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Late for Dinner (1991) Hollywood Movie Watch Online In the Time of the Butterflies (2001) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Henry & June (1990) Hollywood Movie Watch Online The Dancer Upstairs (2002) Hollywood Movie Watch Online The Narrows (2008) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Mark of the Devil (1970) Hollywood Movie Watch Online The Mark of Cain (2007) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Rivals (2003) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Spiral (2007) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Stockholm Syndrome (2008) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Minutemen (2008) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Emanuelles Daughter (1979) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Buppah Rahtree 31 (2009) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Chantal (2007) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Dancing at the Blue Iguana (2000) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Psychopathia Sexualis (2006) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Pieces of April (2003) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Hollywoods Hidden Lives (2001) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Nomads (1986) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Posted: 08 Oct 2010 03:01 AM PDT Starring Pierce Brosnan, Lesley-Anne Down, Anna Maria Monticelli, Adam Ant Director John McTiernan Genre Drama, Thriller Movie Info http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091647/ Movie Description Not Available Nomads 1986 Hollywood Movie Watch Online Host Server 1 Movshare Watch Online Full Movie Host Server 2 Megavideo Watch Online Full Movie Host Server 3 Stagevu Watch Online Full Movie D-Tox (2002) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Posted: 08 Oct 2010 02:55 AM PDT Starring Sylvester Stallone, Charles S. 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Richter Genre Drama, Sci-Fi Movie Info http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102279/ Movie Description Not Available Late for Dinner 1991 Hollywood Movie Watch Online Host Server 1 Movshare Watch Online Full Movie Host Server 2 Megavideo Watch Online Full Movie Host Server 3 Stagevu Watch Online Full Movie In the Time of the Butterflies (2001) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Posted: 07 Oct 2010 04:44 AM PDT Starring Salma Hayek, Edward James Olmos, Ma Maestro, Demin Bichir, Pilar Padilla Director Mariano Barroso Genre Drama, Romance, Crime Movie Info http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0263467/ Movie Description Not Available In the Time of the Butterflies 2001 Hollywood Movie Watch Online Host Server 2 Megavideo Watch Online Part 1 Watch Online Part 2 Henry & June (1990) Hollywood Movie Watch Online Posted: 07 Oct 2010 04:41 AM PDT Starring Fred Ward, Uma Thurman, Maria de Medeiros, Richard E. 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Johnny Carson
Early reason up as good as career Born in Corning, Iowa, Carson grew up in Norfolk, Nebraska. He left college after a singular year to stick upon a United States Navy, being consecrated an ensign. He assimilated a U.S. Navy upon Jun 8, 1943, as an neophyte seaman enrolled in a V-5 program, that lerned Navy as good as Marine pilots. He hoped to sight as a pilot, yet was sent instead to Columbia University for midshipman training. He achieved sorcery for classmates upon a side. Commissioned an token of office late in a war, Carson was reserved to a USS Pennsylvania, a battleship upon hire in a Pacific. He was en track to a fight territory aboard a troopship when a bombing of Hiroshima as good as Nagasaki brought a fight to a close. The Pennsylvania was torpedoed upon Aug 12, 1945 as good as Carson reported for avocation upon Aug 14 a last day of a war. Although he arrived as good late for combat, he got a firsthand preparation in a consequences of war. The shop-worn warship sailed to Guam for repairs, as good as as a newest as good as many girl officer, Carson was reserved to manipulate a dismissal of twenty passed sailors. He after served as a communications troops troops military troops officer in assign of decoding encrypted messages. He recalls that a tall indicate of his troops career was behaving a sorcery pretence for Secretary of a Navy James Forrestal. He began his behaving career in 1950 during WOW air wave as good as air wave in Omaha, Nebraska. He appeared upon air wave with Ken Case, an Omaha internal who was after a headlines anchor as good as sportscaster in Monroe, Louisiana. Carson shortly hosted a sunrise air wave module called The Squirrels Nest. One of his routines endangered interviewing pigeons upon a roof tiles of a internal Court House that would allegedly inform upon a domestic crime they had seen. Carson supplemented his income by apportionment as master of ceremonies during internal church dinners, attended by a little of a same politicians as good as county leaders that he had lampooned upon a radio. The mother of a singular of a domestic total owned batch in a air wave hire in Los Angeles as good as referred Carson to her brother, who was successful in a rising air wave marketplace in Southern California. Carson went to work during CBS-owned Los Angeles air wave hire KNXT. He would after fun that he due his success to a birds of Omaha. In 1953, comic Red Skelton a air blower of Carsons blueprint humerous entertainment uncover Carsons Cellar, that appeared from 1951 to 1953 upon KNXT asked Carson to stick upon his uncover as a writer. Skelton once incidentally knocked himself comatose an hour prior to to his uncover went upon a air live. Carson filled in for him. Carson hosted multiform shows prior to to The Tonight Show, together with a diversion uncover Earn Your Vacation (1954), as good as a accumulation uncover The Johnny Carson Show (1955-1956). He was a unchanging panelist upon a bizarre To Tell a Truth until 1962, as good as hosted a diversion uncover Who Do You Trust? (1957-1962), where he met his destiny sidekick Ed McMahon. In 1960, Carson was deliberate to fool around TV bard Rob Petrie in a sitcom by Carl Reiner called Head of a Family. Reiner starred in a pilot, yet it was motionless that someone else should fool around a role. However, upon a idea of bard Sheldon Leonard, Dick Van Dyke was since a part, as good as a array was retitled The Dick Van Dyke Show. He was additionally a guest star in dual episodes of Get Smart! The Tonight Show This territory competence be as good prolonged to review as good as navigate comfortably. Please cruise relocating some-more of a calm in to sub-articles as good as regulating this essay for a outline of a pass points of a subject. (January 2010) Carson became horde of NBCs The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson in Oct 1962, after Jack Paar left a prior to March. His announcer as good as sidekick was Ed McMahon around a program. His opening line, Heeeeres Johnny became a hallmark. Most of a after shows began with strain as good as a proclamation Heeeeeeres Johnny!, followed by a short digression by Carson. This was mostly followed by humerous entertainment sketches, interviews, as good as music. Carsons heading was a haunt golf pitch during a finish of his monologues, destined theatre left where a Tonight Show Band was. Guest hosts infrequently parodied that gesture. Bob Newhart rolled an hypothetical bowling round toward a audience. Paul Anka wrote a thesis strain (Johnnys Theme), a compliance of his Toot Sweet, since lyrics, renamed Its Really Love, as good as available by Annette Funicello in 1959. Anka gave Carson co-authorship as good as they apart a royalties for 3 decades. The uncover was creatively constructed in New York City, with occasional stints in California. It was not live in a early years, nonetheless during a 1970s, NBC fed a live taping from Burbank to New York around heavenly physique for modifying (see below). The module had been finished live upon tape (uninterrupted unless a complaint occurred) since a Jack Paar days. In May 1972 a uncover changed from New York to Burbank, California. Carson mostly joked about beautiful downtown Burbank as good as referred to beautiful downtown Bakersfield, that stirred Mayor Mary K. Shell to reprimand Carson as good as entice him to her city to see improvements finished during a early 1980s.[citation needed] After Jul 1971, Carson stopped we do shows 5 days a week. Instead, upon Monday nights there was a guest host, withdrawal Carson to do a alternative 4 any week. Shows were taped in Burbank during 5:30pm (8:30 pm Eastern time) to be shown that dusk during 11:30pm Eastern time. On Sep 8, 1980, during Carsons request, a uncover cut a 90-minute format to 60 minutes; Tom Snyders Tomorrow combined a half hour to fill a empty time. Joan Rivers became a permanent guest horde from Sep 1983 until 1986, when she was discharged for usurpation a competing uncover upon Fox yet consulting Carson. The Tonight Show returned to regulating guest hosts, together with comic George Carlin. Jay Leno afterwards became a disdainful guest horde in tumble 1987. Leno staid that nonetheless alternative guest hosts upped their fees, he kept his low, assuring himself a show. Eventually, Monday night was for Leno, Tuesday for a Best of Carson, rebroadcasts customarily of a year progressing yet spasmodic from a 1970s. Carson had a bent for discerning quips to understanding with problems. If a opening digression fared poorly, a rope would begin personification Tea for Two as good as Carson danced, to laughs from a college of song audience. Alternately, Carson competence lift a bang mike tighten to his face as good as have good known Attention K-Mart shoppers! Carsons uncover was a launch for many performers, quite comedians. Many got their mangle upon a show, as good as it was an feat to get Carson to giggle as good as be called to a guest chair. Carson was inheritor to The Ed Sullivan Show as a showcase for all kinds of talent, as good as stability a vaudeville-style accumulation show. In 1973, Carson had a run-in with penetrating Uri Geller. Carson, a magician, longed for a neutral proof of Gellers abilities, so, during a recommendation of his crony as good as associate wizard James Randi, he gave Geller spoons as good as asked him to hook them with his penetrating powers. Geller valid unable, as good as his entrance upon The Tonight Show has been regarded as Gellers tumble from glory. Carson successfully sued a manufacturer of unstable toilets who longed for to call a product Heres Johnny. On Dec 13, 1976, stand up comic Don Rickles was a guest when stand up comic Bob Newhart guest-hosted. While poking fun during Newhart as good as improvising an immigration bit, Rickles hammered an hypothetical passport, slamming a cigarette box Carson kept upon his table as good as violation it. When Carson returned a subsequent night as good as detected this, he took a camera organisation to a college of song subsequent doorway where CPO Sharkey, a sitcom starring Rickles, was being taped. Carson barged in to a studio, shouting, RICKLES! He disrupted a taping, berating a broke Rickles with a fusillade of insults, in fabrication of Rickless act. Carson additionally teased CPO Sharkeys African-American actress Harrison Page by vocalization to him in an farfetched southern dialect. The complete situation appeared to be spontaneous, yet humerous entertainment bard Mark Evanier published an opinion: Carsons uncover was taped in Studio 1 during NBC Burbank. The Rickles sitcom was in Studio 3, where Leno right away tapes While Johnny did his many suitable to have it all demeanour extemporaneous as good as unarranged, it had to have been delicately planned. Rickles substantially was not in upon it as good as competence have been honestly surprised, yet Johnnys producers as good as senior manager contingency have been rebuilt for what transpired, as good as a producers of CPO Sharkey roughly positively knew. At a impulse Johnny entered, Don customarily happened to be sharpened upon a set closest to that door. The advise wouldnt have worked as good if theyd been upon a singular of a alternative sets. It wouldnt have worked during all if theyd been in in between scenes or taping a apportionment of a uncover that Rickles wasnt in. An oft-repeated story since discharged as an urban legend endangered a guest entrance by Zsa Zsa Gabor carrying a white Persian cat. Gabor is pronounced to have asked Johnny if he would identical to to pet my pussy? During a 1989 appearance, Jane Fonda remarkable that her son had steady a claim, as good as my son pronounced that we said, uh, Id adore to, if youd mislay that darned cat! Is it true? Carson denied a part on-air saying, No, we consider we would stop that He as good as Gabor both responded to researchers observant a eventuality never happened. Despite drawn out insistence by people who explain to have seen a episode, no audio or video has ever been produced. However, a bit of adult amusement was not over Carson. During an speak with Dolly Parton, in anxiety to her vast bust, she said, People have been regularly asking if theyre genuine and Ill discuss it we what, these have been mine. Carson replied, I have sure discipline upon this show. But we would give about a years compensate to look underneath there. Unlike a purported Gabor exchange, videotape of a Parton speak survives as good as has been rebroadcast multiform times during Tonight Show retrospectives. In a 1980 Rolling Stone article, Carson caused utterly a open recoil when he called a Brian Wilson-penned (Beach Boys) strain Johnny Carson from 1977s Love You manuscript not a work of art. Wilson wrote a strain reverence citing a actuality no such strain had existed before about a king of late night. Carson finished multiform slight jokes during a responsibility of alternative celebrities, identical to Wayne Newton (after Newton had achieved upon Carsons uncover multiform times). Newton claimed in his 1991 autobiography, in between alternative times together with a 1989 speak with Phil Donahue, that a resources led to a fight in Carsons sauce room where Newton in jeopardy a earthy rumpus if Carson didnt stop a fusillade of jokes with homosexual connotations. In a Nov 29, 2007 speak upon Larry King Live, Wayne Newton said, Im starting to contend something Ive never pronounced upon television, Mr. King. Johnny Carson was a mean-spirited tellurian being. And there have been people that he has harm that people will never know about. And for a little reason during a little point, he motionless to spin that kind of disastrous courtesy toward me. And we refused to have it. Another important argument came upon a heels of an entrance by iconic bard Truman Capote in 1966. The petite bard was already inextricable in a open argument with associate bard Jacqueline Susann when he told Johnny as good as millions of viewers that Susann looked like a lorry motorist in drag. The acknowledgement was not censored from a broadcast, as good as finished headlines a subsequent day. Capote subsequently released a open apology to lorry drivers. Carson reportedly loathed what he felt was unfaithfulness in between friends. The stand up comic was dissatisfied when former Tonight Show guest hosts John Davidson as good as Joan Rivers got their own speak shows. Rivers FOX uncover but delay competed with Carson during a 1986-1987 season, yet died a discerning death. On Jun 24, 2009 following Ed McMahons death, Rivers lauded McMahon upon Larry King Live yet staid that Carson never again spoke to me, up to his death. Another guest host, Jay Leno, was treated with colour coolly for being viewed as ushering Carson in to retirement. Lenos representative lighted a afterwards fake gossip in Hollywood circles that Carsons early early early early retirement was pending, as good as Leno was successor to a Tonight Show. Carson vowed not to lapse to a uncover whilst Leno headed it, as good as in truth would have his last TV entrance about a year after his early early early early retirement upon a competing Late Show with David Letterman. Some of Carsons cooperative barbs were destined during his friends. Ronald Reagans hair as good as Frank Sinatras rage as good as horde connectors were visit topics. Carson humorously chided Nancy Reagan for descending down as good as breaking her hair. Comic characters Carson as a impression Carnac a Magnificent Carson played multiform stability characters upon sketches during a show, including Art Fern, a Tea Time Movie announcer (always offering bizarre or trashy merchandise). The impression was formed upon late-show TV hosts who would broach commercials around a movie. Carson creatively played a fast-talking vendor in his own voice (as Honest Bernie Schlock or Ralph Willie), as good as eventually staid upon a nasal, high-pitched, smarmy worker suggestive of Jackie Gleasons Reginald Van Gleason III character. The character, right away henceforth good known as Art Fern, wore a intemperate toupee, shrill jackets, as good as a pencil mustache. Actress Carol Wayne became important for her 100-plus appearances (1971-1982) as Arts chubby assistant, a Matine Lady. While Art gave his spiel, she would come in a theatre during a during a behind of of him. Art would conflict to her tasteful body, wincing loudly, Ho leeeee!. After Carol Waynes genocide in 1985, Carson kept Art Fern off a air for many of a subsequent year, as good as eventually hired Danuta Wesley as good as afterwards Teresa Ganzel to fool around a Matine Lady. Carson additionally used these sketches to poke fun during a perplexing Los Angeles widespread system, regulating a pointer as good as map to give treacherous directions to shoppers (often together with points where he would reveal a label map to indicate out, around a suitable picture, when a shopper would arrive during the flare in a road. Another turnpike slight in a same thesis centered around a rather singly declared Slauson Cutoff. Art Fern would suggest drivers to take a little highway until they reached a Slauson Cutoff, as good as afterwards Cut Off Your Slauson!, mostly accompanied by a assembly to peals of laughter, led by McMahon). Carnac a Magnificent, a turbaned penetrating who could answer questions prior to to observant them. (This same slight had been finished by Carsons predecessor, Steve Allen, as The Question Man.) Carnac had a heading opening in that he regularly incited a wrong citation when entrance onto theatre as good as afterwards tripped upon a step up to Carsons desk. (In a singular episode, technicians fraudulent Carsons table to tumble detached when Carnac fell in to it.) These comedic missteps were an denote of Carnacs loyal prophetic abilities. Ed McMahon would palm Carnac a array of envelopes, containing questions. Carnac would place any pouch opposite his front as good as envision a answer, such as Gatorade. Then he would review a question: What does an alligator get upon welfare? Some of a jokes were feeble, as good as McMahon used pauses after distressing puns as good as assembly groans to have light of Carnacs miss of comic success (Carnac contingency be used to still surroundings), call Carson to lapse an next to insult. McMahon would regularly have good known circuitously a end, I reason in my palm a last envelope, during that a assembly would extol wildly, call Carnac to clarify a comedic curse upon a audience, such as May your sister run away with a camel! (In fact, Carnac a Magnificent was a theatre name Johnny used in his sorcery action as a youth.) Floyd R. Turbo American (with no postponement in in between words). A stereotypical strikebreaker wearing a plaid sport cloak as good as cap, who offering editorial responses to left-leaning causes or headlines events. Railing opposite womens rights in a workplace, for example, Turbo would shout, This raises a question: lick my Dictaphone! Aunt Blabby, a churlish as good as infrequently affectionate aged lady, constantly being interviewed by true male Ed McMahon about elder affairs. McMahon would innocently make make use of of a usual countenance identical to check out, customarily to have Aunt Blabby advise him, Dont contend check out to an aged person! Aunt Blabby was an viewable duplicate of Jonathan Winters many important creation, Maude Frickert, together with her black spinster skirt as good as wig. El Mouldo, a mentalist, who would try to perform mind-reading as good as mind-over-matter feats, all of that failed. Often his tricks would embody an try to dupe income from Ed McMahon or would finish with him vagrant for money. Carson uncensored upon satellite Even yet Carsons module was formed in Burbank, NBCs modifying as good as prolongation services for a module were located in New York, ensuing in a order that Carsons module be transmitted from Burbank to New York. Beginning in 1976, NBC used a Satcom 2 heavenly physique to do this, stuff oneself a live taping (which customarily took place in a early evening) but delay to New York, where it would be edited prior to to a normal broadcast. This live feed lasted customarily from dual to two-and-a-half hours a night, as good as was uncensored as good as commercial-free. During a blurb breaks a audio as good as design would be left on, capturing during times obscene denunciation as good as alternative events that would positively be edited out after starting out over a feed. At a same time, however, heavenly physique belligerent stations owned by in isolation people began to appear, as good as a little managed to find a live feed. Satellite plate owners began to request their sightings in technical journals, giving viewers believe of things they were not meant to see. Carson as good as his prolongation staff grew endangered about this, as good as pressured NBC in to ceasing a heavenly physique transmissions of a live taping in a early 1980s. The heavenly physique couple was transposed by x-ray landline delivery until a shows modifying comforts were eventually changed to Burbank. Business ventures Carson was a vital financier in a in conclusion unsuccessful DeLorean Motor Company. Founder John DeLorean was endangered in a drug scandal, causing Carsons guest Red Skelton to quip, The DeLorean, is that a hopped-up car? Carson was conduct of a organisation of uncover commercial operation people as good as businessmen who purchased as good as operated dual air wave stations channel 5 KVVU-TV in Henderson, Nevada, apportionment Las Vegas, right away owned by Meredith Broadcasting, as good as channel twenty-three KNAT in Albuquerque, New Mexico. KVVU had been a commencement Las Vegas eccentric hire as good as was arrange of a internal in-joke for a meagre operation as good as ragtag module lineup. Many suspicion it mocking that a heading hostess identical to Carson, along with Sal Durante, Neil Simon as good as others, would own such a station. There was speak during a time that a hire would turn a NBC affiliate, as afterwards long-time associate KORK-TV was in a routine of being transposed by KVBC-TV, yet it never happened. KNAT proposed during only a wrong time. Several brand brand new channels 2, 9, 11, 14, as good as 23 were starting up in a southwest as good as a foe for good syndicated shows was fierce. KNAT was after sole to Trinity Broadcasting. Carsons alternative commercial operation ventures enclosed a successful wardrobe line, by that his turtlenecks became a conform trend, as good as a unsuccessful grill franchise. Retirement Carson late from uncover commercial operation upon May 22, 1992, when he stepped down as horde of The Tonight Show. His farewell was a vital media event, as good as spread out over multiform nights. It was mostly romantic for Carson, his colleagues, as good as a audiences, quite a farewell make a difference he delivered upon his 4,531st as good as last Tonight Show: And so it has come to this: I, uh am a singular of a propitious people in a world; we found something we regularly longed for to do, as good as we have enjoyed any singular notation of it. we wish to appreciate a gentlemen whove common this theatre with me for thirty years, Mr. Ed McMahon Mr. Doc Severinsen and we people watching, we can customarily discuss it we that it has been an respect as good as a payoff to come in to your homes all these years as good as perform you as good as we goal when we find something that we wish to do, as good as we consider we would like, as good as come back, that youll be as friendly in mouth-watering me in to your home as we have been. we bid we a unequivocally intense good night. NBC gave a purpose of horde to a shows then-current permanent guest host, Jay Leno. Leno as good as David Letterman were shortly competing upon apart networks. Post-retirement appearances Carson, 1994 At a finish of his last Tonight Show appearance, Carson indicated that he might, if so inspired, lapse with a brand brand new project, yet instead chose to go in to full retirement, frequency giving interviews as good as disappearing to experience in NBCs 75th Anniversary celebrations. He finished a occasional cameo appearance, together with voicing himself upon a 1993 part of The Simpsons (Krusty Gets Kancelled), telephoning David Letterman upon a Nov 1993 part of Late Show with David Letterman, as good as looming in a 1993 NBC Special Bob Hope: The First 90 Years. On May 13, 1994, Carson appeared upon The Late Show with David Letterman. During a week of shows from Los Angeles, Letterman was carrying Larry Bud Melman (Calvert DeForest) broach his Top Ten Lists underneath a guise that a important celebrity would be delivering a list instead. On a last uncover of a week, Letterman indicated that Carson would be delivering a list. Instead, DeForest delivered a list, angry a assembly (in gripping with a gag), as good as walked off to respectful applause. Letterman afterwards indicated that a label he was since did not have a correct list upon it as good as asked that a real list be brought out. On that cue, a genuine Johnny Carson emerged from during a during a behind of of a screen (as Lettermans rope played Johnnys Theme), an entrance that stirred a station acclaim from a audience. Carson afterwards requested to lay during a during a behind of of Lettermans desk; Letterman obliged, as a assembly a single after an additional to hearten as good as applaud. After a little moments, Carson over from a uncover yet carrying oral to a audience. He after cited strident laryngitis as a reason for his silence. This night incited out to be Carsons last air wave appearance. Letterman Just days prior to to Carsons death, it was suggested that a late King of Late Night spasmodic sent jokes to Letterman. Letterman would afterwards make make use of of these jokes in a digression of his show, that Carson got a large flog out of according to Worldwide Pants, Inc., Senior Vice-President Peter Lassally, who before constructed both mens programs; he additionally claimed that Carson had regularly believed Letterman, not Leno, to be his rightful successor. Letterman mostly employs a little of Carsons heading pieces upon his show, together with Carnac (with rope celebrity Paul Shaffer as Carnac), Stump a Band, as good as a Week in Review. Personal life Carson was innate in Corning, Iowa, to Homer Kit Lloyd Carson, a energy association manager, as good as Ruth Hook Carson. He grew up in southwest Iowa until a age of 8, when a family changed to Norfolk, Nebraska. There he schooled to perform sorcery tricks, debuting as The Great Carsoni during 14. He attended Millsaps College in Jackson, Mississippi, where he perceived V-12 troops troops military troops officer training, as good as afterwards served in a Navy from 1943-1946. He served in USS Pennsylvania (BB-38) in a last days of a war. Carson afterwards attended a University of Nebraska in Lincoln where he assimilated Phi Gamma Delta fraternity, graduating with a bachelor of humanities grade in air wave as good as debate with a teenager in production in 1949. Despite his on-camera demeanor, Carson was famously bashful off-camera. In fact, he was referred to as the many in isolation open male who ever lived. Marriages Carson tied together his college swain Joan Jody Wolcott upon Oct 1, 1949. The matrimony was volatile, with infidelities by both parties, eventually finale in divorce. They had 3 sons. Their son Richard died in a automobile collision upon Jun 21, 1991. In 1963, Carson got a quickie Mexican divorce from Joan as good as tied together Joanne Copeland upon Aug 17, 1963. After a prolonged divorce in 1972, Copeland perceived scarcely half a million dollars in money as good as art as good as US$100,000 a year in subsistence for life. Joanne Copeland not prolonged ago detected 39 episodes of a entrance deteriorate of The Johnny Carson Show that were creatively radio programme in 1955 as good as 1956. She afterwards finished an agreement with Shout! Factory to furnish as good as discharge comparison programs upon DVD. The two-disk DVD set contains Johnnys top 10 episodes. Johnnys initial mother Joan as good as a couples 3 sons crop up in a initial part upon a DVD. At a Carson Tonight Shows 10th anniversary celebration upon Sep 30, 1972, Carson voiced that he as good as former indication Joanna Holland had been personally tied together that afternoon, intolerable his friends as good as associates. Carson kidded that he had tied together 3 likewise declared women to equivocate having to shift a monogram upon a towels. A identical fun was finished by Bob Newhart during Carsons fry by Dean Martin. On Mar 8, 1983, Holland filed for divorce. Under Californias village skill laws, she was entitled to 50 percent of all a resources amassed during a marriage, even yet Carson warranted probably 100 percent of a couples income. (Since, underneath a village skill supplies of California law, any celebration legally earns half for themselves as good as half for their spouse.) During this period, he joked upon The Tonight Show, My producer, Freddy de Cordova, unequivocally gave me something we indispensable for Christmas. He gave me a present obligation to a Law Offices of Jacoby & Meyers. The divorce box eventually finished in 1985 with an 80-page settlement, Holland reception $20 million in money as good as property. Carson tied together Alexandra Mass upon Jun 20, 1987; Johnny was 61, Alexis 35. Children Carsons son from his initial marriage, Richard, died upon Jun 21, 1991, when his automobile plunged down a high dike along a paved use highway off Highway 1 circuitously Cayucos, a tiny locale north of San Luis Obispo. Apparently, Richard had been receiving photographs when a collision occurred. Carson was deeply jarred by his sons death. On his initial uncover after Rickys death, he gave a stirring reverence in a last mins of his uncover as samples of his sons detailed work (and images of Ricky, himself) were displayed with a strain outcome of Riviera Paradise by sadness guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan. In addition, a last image as good as a little More To Come bumpers of Carsons last uncover in May 1992 featured a print Richard had taken. Donations In 1981, Carson combined a John W. Carson Foundation, dedicated to ancillary children, preparation as good as seizure services. The Foundation continues to await free causes. In Nov 2004, Carson voiced a $5.3 million present to a University of Nebraska Foundation to await a Hixson-Lied College of Fine as good as Performing Arts Department of Theatre Arts, that combined a Johnny Carson School of Theatre as good as Film. Another $5 million concession was voiced by a estate of Carson to a University of Nebraska following his death. Carson additionally donated to causes in his hometown of Norfolk, together with a Carson Cancer Center during Faith Regional Health Services, a Elkhorn Valley Museum, as good as a Johnny Carson Theater during Norfolk Senior High School. Other events Carson was cited in a 1982 drunk-driving situation whilst pushing a DeLorean DMC-12 sports automobile in Beverly Hills. Represented by Robert Shapiro, he pleaded no competition to a charges, as good as played off a situation by carrying a uniformed troops troops troops military troops officer chaperon him upon to a Tonight Show stage. Carson, an pledge astronomer, was tighten friends with astronomer Carl Sagan, who mostly appeared upon The Tonight Show. The singular approach Sagan had of observant sure words, identical to billions of galaxies, would lead to Carson tantalizing his friend, imitating his voice as good as observant BILL-ions as good as BILL-ions, a word shortly erroneously attributed to Sagan himself. According to Sagans biographer, Keay Davidson, Carson was a initial chairman to hit Sagans mother with condolences when a scientist died in 1996. He owned multiform telescopes, together with a Questar, deliberate during a time an costly as good as top-of-the line telescope. Also a gifted pledge drummer, Carson was shown upon a shred of 60 Minutes putting in use during home upon a drum set since to him by tighten crony jazz fable Buddy Rich who was a jazz musician with a many visit appearances upon The Tonight Show. Writer Gore Vidal, an additional visit Tonight Show guest as good as personal friend, writes about Carsons celebrity in his 2006 memoirs. Death as good as tributes Johnny Carsons Star upon a Hollywood Walk of Fame On Mar 19, 1999, Carson, afterwards 73, suffered a serious heart conflict during his home in Malibu, California. Carson was sleeping when he unexpected awoke with serious chest pains. He was rushed to a sanatorium in circuitously Santa Monica where he underwent quadruple-bypass surgery. At 6:50 AM PST upon Jan 23, 2005, Carson died during Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, of respiratory detain outset from emphysema. He was 79 years old. Carson had suggested his seizure to a open in Sep 2002. Following Carsons genocide his physique was cremated, as good as a remains were since to his wife. In suitability with his familys wishes, no open commemorative use was held. There were large tributes paid to Carson upon his death, together with a make a difference by afterwards President George W. Bush, all noticing a low as good as fast love hold for him. Tributes published after his genocide reliable that he had been a chain-smoker. While The Tonight Show was promote live, he would mostly fume cigarettes upon a air; it was reported that Carson had pronounced these things have been murdering me as distant during a behind of as a 1970s. On Jan 24, 2005, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno paid reverence to Carson with guest Ed McMahon, Bob Newhart, Don Rickles, Drew Carey as good as K.D. Lang. Letterman followed fit upon Jan 31 with former Tonight Show senior manager bard Peter Lassally as good as bandleader Doc Severinsen. During a commencement of this show, Letterman pronounced that for thirty years no make a difference what was starting upon in a world, no make a difference either people had a good or bad day, they longed for to finish a day by being tucked in by Johnny. Letterman additionally told his viewers that a digression he had customarily since had consisted wholly of jokes sent to him by Carson in a last couple of months of his life. Doc Severinsen finished a Letterman uncover that night by personification a singular of Carsons dual a one preferred songs, Heres That Rainy Day (the alternative was Ill Be Seeing You). It had been reported over a decades of Carsons celebrity that he was, off-camera, so greatly in isolation that he had never once invited McMahon to his home. After Carsons death, though, McMahon doubtful those rumors as good as claimed that a tighten loyalty existed. On his last Tonight Show appearance, Carson himself pronounced that whilst infrequently people who work together for prolonged stretches of time upon air wave do not indispensably identical to any other, this was not a box with him as good as McMahon: They were good friends who would have cooking together, as good as a intercourse that they had upon a uncover could not be faked. Carson as good as McMahon were friends for thirty years. A week or so after a tributes, Dennis Miller was upon a Tonight Show as good as told Jay Leno about a initial time he attempted to horde a speak show, as good as how miserably it went. He pronounced that he got a call rught away after a initial show, from Carson, revelation him, Its not as easy as it looks, is it, kid? The 2005 movie The Aristocrats was dedicated to Carson, as good as a part Mommie Beerest of The Simpsons. References ^ Johnny Carson. Encyclopdia Britannica Online. (2009). In Encyclopdia Britannica. Retrieved Jul 30, 2009. ^ Famous Veterans, Military.com ^ The Official Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson ^ The Johnny Carson Show during a Internet Movie Database ^ Weissman, Ginny (2002-12-01). The Dick Van Dyke Show. St. Martins Press. pp.6. ISBN 0312087667. ^ http://articles.latimes.com/2007/oct/11/business/fi-nbc11 ^ Carson v. Heres Johnny Portable Toilets, Inc., 810 F.2d 104, 105 (6th Cir. 1987) ^ Carson, Johnny (Host, Executive Producer). (2003) The Ultimate Carson Collection Vol. 3 [DVD]. USA: Carson Productions. ^ Johnny Carson minute to Robert E. Baker. Snopes. http://67.19.222.106/radiotv/graphics/carslet.jpg. Retrieved 2008-05-11. ^ Zsa Zsa Gabor minute to David Mikkelson. Snopes. http://67.19.222.106/radiotv/graphics/zsalet.jpg. Retrieved 2008-05-11. ^ Wayne Newton upon Larry King Live. CNN. http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0711/29/lkl.01.html. Retrieved 2008-05-11. ^ http://www.quotationspage.com/quote/600.html ^ Cooper, Jr., Robert B.. (2006). Televisions Pirates: Hiding Behind Your Picture Tube. ^ Bernstein, Adam (2005-01-24). For Decades, Comic Ruled Late-Night TV. The Washington Post. http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn/A30475-2005Jan23. ^ Carson Feeds Letterman Lines. The New York Times. http://pqarchiver.nypost.com/nypost/access/781543221.html?dids=781543221:781543221&FMT=ABS&FMTS=ABS:FT&date=Jan+20,+2005&author=Post+Wire+Services&pub=New+York+Post&edition;=&startpage=102&desc=CARSON+FEEDS+LETTERMAN+LINES. Retrieved 2008-05-11. ^ Carson Feeds Letterman Lines. The New York Post. http://pqarchiver.nypost.com/nypost/access/781543221.html?dids=781543221:781543221&FMT=ABS&FMTS=ABS:FT&date=Jan+20,+2005&author=Post+Wire+Services&pub=New+York+Post&edition;=&startpage=102&desc=CARSON+FEEDS+LETTERMAN+LINES. Retrieved 2008-05-11. ^ Readers Digest Sep 2005, p. 178; Book Bonus: Ed McMahon Heres Johnny, Berkley Trade, 2006 ISBN 978-0425212295 ^ Pleading Poverty as good as Demanding Money, Johnny Carsons First Wife Tells a Sad Secrets of Her Troubled Marriage By Michelle Green, Sue Carswell, Eleanor Hoover May 7, 1990 Vol. 33 No. eighteen People Magazine ^ Video uncovers a lost Johnny Carson DVD. CNN. http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/03/20/apontv.heres.johnny.ap/index.html. Retrieved 2008-05-11. ^ Making a World of Difference. Childrens Hospital Los Angeles. Nov 2008. http://www.childrenshospitalla.org/atf/cf/{1cb444df-77c3-4d94-82fa-e366d7d6ce04}/CAMPAIGNNEWS FALL 08.PDF. Retrieved 2010-01-31. ^ Biography for Johnny Carson ^ Longtime horde of onight Show dies during 79 Associated Press, Feb 8, 2005 ^ Net mourns genocide of Johnny Carson Jeff Pelline CNET News Feb 8, 2005 ^ Quotations upon Johnny Carsons Death Associated Press Jan 23, 2005 ^ Tribute To Johnny Carson Friends Return To Stage Where They And Johnny Carson Made TV Magic By Chris Hawke CBS News Burbank, Calif. Jan 25, 2005 ^ Letterman Pays Special Tribute to Carson Feb 1, 2005 Associated Press ^ Fort Lauderdale By Jack Drury ^ HBO The Aristocrats Synopsis Further reading Accounts upon work as good as life Bart, Peter (1992-05-18). We Hardly Knew Ye.. Los Angeles: Variety. Corkery, Paul (August 1987). Carson: The Unauthorized Biography. Randt & Co. ISBN 0942101006. Cox, Stephen (2002-08-15). Heres Johnny: Thirty Years of Americas Favorite Late Night Entertainer. Cumberland House Publishing. ISBN 1581822650. De Cordova, Fred (1988-03-15). Johnny Came Lately. Simon & Schuster. ISBN 0671558498. Hise, James Van (1992). 40 Years during Night: a Story of a Tonight Show. Movie Publisher Services. ISBN 1556983085. Knutzen, Erik (1992-05-21). Celebs Say Thanks, Johnny.. Herald. Leamer, Laurence (2005-03-29). King of a Night: The Life of Johnny Carson. Avon. ISBN 0060840994. McMahon, Ed (2005-10-18). Heres Johnny!: My Memories of Johnny Carson, The Tonight Show, as good as 46 Years of Friendship. Thomas Nelson. ISBN 1401602363. Smith, Ronald L. (October 1987). Johnny Carson: An Unauthorized Biography. St. Martins Press. ISBN 0312010516. Zoglin, Richard (1992-03-16). And What A Reign It Was: In His thirty Years, Carson Was The Best.. Time. Humor element collections Carson, Johnny (1965). Happiness is a Dry Martini. Double Day as good as Company. Carson, Johnny (1967). Misery is a blind date. Double Day as good as Company. Johnny Carson Collection, Manuscript Division, Library of Congress, Washington, D.C. External links United States Navy portal Wikiquote has a pick up of quotations associated to: Johnny Carson Johnny Carson during a Internet Movie Database Johnny Carson during a Internet Broadway Database Johnny Carson during Find a Grave Official website for The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson Article upon Johnny Carson. Archived from a bizarre upon 2007-10-13. http://web.archive.org/web/20071013161038/http://dir.salon.com/people/bc/2001/02/20/carson/index.html. during Salon On Carsons grant to Late Night. Archived from a bizarre upon 2007-10-14. http://web.archive.org/web/20071014103641/http://www.tnr.com/doc.mhtml?i=online&s=siegel012405. during The New Republic 1978 form from The New Yorker by Kenneth Tynan The Johnny Carson Show from USA Today Johnny Carson autobiography during FilmReference.com Posthumous Letter to Carson from Steve Martin published in The New York Times Johnny Carson School of Theatre as good as Film during a University of Nebraska-Lincoln Johnny Carson Death onight Show Obituaries CNN obituary MSNBC obituary Johnny Carson necrology by James Wolcott Johnny Carson, Low-Key King of Late-Night TV, Dies during 79. The New York Times. Jan 24, 2005. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/24/arts/television/24john.html?ex=1264309200&en=6f658f88eb80aabd&ei=5090. A Good Friend Has Left Us. James Randi Educational Foundation. http://www.randi.org/jr/carson.html. Retrieved 2008-05-11. Media offices Precededby Jack Paar Host of The Tonight Show October 1, 1962 May 22, 1992 Succeededby Jay Leno Precededby Bob Hope Host of a Academy Awards 197982 Succeededby Liza Minnelli, Dudley Moore, Richard Pryor as good as Walter Matthau Precededby Liza Minnelli, Dudley Moore, Richard Pryor as good as Walter Matthau Host of a Academy Awards 1984 Succeededby Jack Lemmon vde The Tonight Show The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (1992) The Tonight Show with Conan OBrien (episodes) The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (2010) (episodes) Hosts Steve Allen (19541957) Jack Paar (19571962) Johnny Carson (19621992) Jay Leno (19922009, 2010resent) Conan OBrien (20092010) Announcers/sidekicks Gene Rayburn Hugh Downs Ed McMahon Edd Hall John Melendez Andy Richter Wally Wingert Tonight Show Band OBrien epoch Leno era Bandleaders Skitch Henderson Jos Melis Milton DeLugg Doc Severinsen Branford Marsalis Kevin Eubanks Max Weinberg Taping locations Hudson Theatre NBC Studios New York NBC Studios Burbank Universal Studios Hollywood Prime-time spinoffs The Steve Allen Show The Jack Paar Program The Jay Leno Show Recurring sketches Carnac a Magnificent Floyd R. Turbo Headlines OBrien epoch sketches Production companies Carson Productions Big Dog Productions Conaco Related articles Carsons Comedy Classics Late Night The Late Shift (book) The Late Shift (film) 2010 horde as good as timeslot conflict vde Hosts of a Academy Awards ceremonies Bob Hope (1961) Bob Hope (1962) Frank Sinatra (1963) Jack Lemmon (1964) Bob Hope (1965) Bob Hope (1966) Bob Hope (1967) Bob Hope (1968) None (1969) None (1970) None (1971) Helen Hayes / Alan King / Sammy Davis, Jr. / Jack Lemmon (1972) Carol Burnett / Michael Caine / Charlton Heston / Rock Hudson (1973) John Huston / Burt Reynolds / David Niven / Diana Ross (1974) Sammy Davis, Jr. / Bob Hope / Shirley MacLaine / Frank Sinatra (1975) Goldie Hawn / Gene Kelly / Walter Matthau / George Segal / Robert Shaw (1976) Warren Beatty / Ellen Burstyn / Jane Fonda / Richard Pryor (1977) Bob Hope (1978) Johnny Carson (1979) Johnny Carson (1980) Complete List (19291940) (19411960) (19611980) (19812000) (2001-present) vde Hosts of a Academy Awards ceremonies Johnny Carson (1981) Johnny Carson (1982) Liza Minnelli / Dudley Moore / Richard Pryor / Walter Matthau (1983) Johnny Carson (1984) Jack Lemmon (1985) Alan Alda / Jane Fonda / Robin Williams (1986) Chevy Chase / Goldie Hawn / Paul Hogan (1987) Chevy Chase (1988) None (1989) Billy Crystal (1990) Billy Crystal (1991) Billy Crystal (1992) Billy Crystal (1993) Whoopi Goldberg (1994) David Letterman (1995) Whoopi Goldberg (1996) Billy Crystal (1997) Billy Crystal (1998) Whoopi Goldberg (1999) Billy Crystal (2000) Complete List (19291940) (19411960) (19611980) (19812000) (2001-present) vde 1993 Kennedy Center Honorees Johnny Carson Arthur Mitchell Sir Georg Solti Stephen Sondheim Marion Williams Persondata NAME Carson, Johnny ALTERNATIVE NAMES Carson, John William SHORT DESCRIPTION Talk uncover host DATE OF BIRTH October 23, 1925 PLACE OF BIRTH Corning, Iowa DATE OF DEATH January 23, 2005 PLACE OF DEATH Los Angeles Categories: 1925 births | 2005 deaths | People from Iowa | Deaths from emphysema | American diversion uncover hosts | American stand-up comedians | American air wave speak uncover hosts | Nebraska entertainers | University of Nebraska-Lincoln alumni | United States Navy officers | American troops crew of World War II | Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients | Emmy Award winners | Kennedy Center honorees | Peabody Award winners | Television refuge | People from Adams County, IowaHidden categories: Articles that competence be as good prolonged from Jan 2010 | Too prolonged essay | All articles with unsourced statements | Articles with unsourced statements from Apr 2009 I am a veteran bard from Cheap On Sales, that contains a good understanding of report about smd led frame , low voltage spotlights, acquire to visit! 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One of Us: Art grows into 'a great companion and friend'
“I devour them,” he said, noting that he probably owns “just about every book” published on his favorite artist, Gerhart Richter. On Allen’s website, www.jackallenartist.com, there are testimonials from several art collectors about his wor
'How can you put a price tag on that?' Cold case unit faces closure
Allen, a 22-year veteran of the King County Sheriff’s ... “Someone was stopping and saying: her life was important” Marilyn Richter knows what closure feels like. It came in 2009 – 34 years after her sister Diana had been murdered.
Palace-bound: Patriot, Glenn grapplers qualify 5 each
Junior Allen Parker (36-12) also added a fourth at 140 for the ... finished third, while freshman Caleb Richter (26-17) added a fourth.
Sorry, Republicans, Your Savior Won't Come | The Nation
In Politico’s Playbook on Saturday Mike Allen reported that elite Republicans are still fantasizing ... having a conversation that resulted in this Richter-rattler: “A prominent Republican senator just told me that if Romney can’t win in Michigan ...
Burst of Buying at Modern Art Sale
The composition in oil on canvas and Formica applied on a panel was the work of Allen Jones, who signed it in 1966 ... A small “Abstract Picture” done by Gerhard Richter in 1994 in one of his less inspired moments, then managed to hearten ...
GOP backup plan: what if Mitt loses Mich.?
Mike Allen writes in today's Playbook of growing buzz among top ... AT THAT VERY MOMENT, ABC’S JONATHAN KARL was at the Capitol, having a conversation that resulted in this Richter-rattler: “A prominent Republican senator just told me that if Romney ...
Health Briefs: news from the health community in Lee and Collier Counties
n Taking control of arthritis will be presented by Dr. Allan Goodwin, a rheumatologist ... Kathleen Passidomo and Senator Garrett Richter and voiced their opinions of the Collier County Dental Association and the Florida Dental Association ...
'Nail Files,' 'Ink Master' renewed: TV Guide Network and Spike extend reality series
Nail Files' quickly found a loyal viewing audience on TV Guide Network," TV Guide Network chairman Allen Shapiro said ... Charlie Corwin, Jay Peterson and Andrea Richter exec produce "Ink Master" for Original Media. Click here for more articles ...
Rocket grapplers take nine to regional
Also making the cut for Wayne with fourths included Allen Parker (140), 34-10 ... Zachary Francis ran his season record to 39-1 by when he pinned teammate Caleb Richter, a freshman, for the 125-pound title. Also moving on to the regional ...
School briefs: 11 Washington County teachers named candidates for state award
Allen also will receive financial support to attend ... award and an all-expenses-paid trip to Washington D.C., where he will be recognized. Chloe Richter, a Woodbury High senior, was also recognized with a Certificate of Excellence as part ...
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Al Richter
Allen Gordon Richter (born February 7, 1927 in Norfolk, Virginia ) is ... Richter played ten seasons (1945; 1947–1955) in minor league baseball ...
David Koechner
partner, Dave 'Gruber' Allen , forming The Naked Trucker & T-Bones Show . ... his comedic charisma alongside guest stars like Richter and Shepard. ...
Ron Lynch (comedian)
Silverman Program , Andy Richter Controls the Universe , and Adventure Time . midnight at The Steve Allen Theater in Hollywood, California . ...
Crowninshield family
John Casper Richter von Crowninshield (Johannes Kaspar Richter von ... Richter von Kronenschieldt and Elizabeth Allen, survives as the ...
Poetry film
Impressionists Germaine Dulac, Louis Delluc, Man Ray, Hans Richter, and others. Allen Ginsberg , and Herman Berlandt, and developed into ...
Madeleine A. Pickens
Her daughter, Dominique Richter, was born in 1980. Thoroughbred racing ... In 1988 she married Gulfstream Aerospace founder, Allen E. Paulson . ...
Clarence Allen (geologist)
Clarence Roderic Allen (born Palo Alto, California on February 15, 1925) is a ... Clarence Allen, Charles Richter, George Housner, Hiroo ...
2012 British Columbia Scotties Tournament of Hearts
Teams 9 & 10 | Open Qualification Round 4 | 2 | Marilou Richter ... Sarah Wark (fourth) | Michelle Allen | Simone Brosseau | Roselyn ...
Roman Catholic Diocese of Grand Rapids
Bishops : Henry Richter (1883-1916) Michael J. Gallagher (1916-1918) ... Allen James Babcock (1954-1970) Joseph M. Breitenbeck (1969-1989) ...
List of gliders
Allen : (Aeronautical Engineering Society, New-York / E. Allen & E.P. Warner) ... German miscellaneous constructors : Richter Möwe – Hans Richter ...